ADA #1

 

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Welcome to the brand new column, "Ask Derek Anything!" 

As a fan of just about anything in pop culture, I immerse my self in all sorts of media every day. I began to notice in other Q&A columns that the answers they were giving to the readers desperate for help was either inaccurate or just plain bullshit.  Being a self proclaimed “genius”, I felt it was my duty as a responsible citizen to spread my knowledge to the masses.

Q: "I was looking on the OVW page and noticed one show that had pics of the Undertaker. He was riding his motorcycle and was wondering if WWe transports that bad boy all over the country for him?" – Anonymous (Ask 411)

ADA : In a way, yes. Back in the early 90’s the WCW had a red hot angle in which their lead babyface, Sting, was being tormented by an evil magician named The Black Scorpion. The Black Scorpion was actually played by comedian Larry Lee Lewis. After it was realized that the angle was catching fire, the usual wrestling political games took over and WCW “revealed” that it was Ric Flair who was playing the Black Scorpion. The Stinger and Flair continued their boring feud which continued until the very last day of WCW. The Black Scorpion meanwhile, was never used again in the company. Fast forward years later and the WWE created a new gimmick for its phenom, the Undertaker. Instead of the dead-guy-who-possess-people, Taker would simply become a biker character after the unbelievable success of the DOA gimmick. The problem was this, in real life the Undertaker was deathly scared of motorcycles and the cost of transporting them via truck was just too much. The WWE hired the Black Scorpion, on paper as an “agent”, but his only job is to mysteriously transport the Undertaker’s motorcycle from one WWE event to the next.

Q: My wife is a very loving and kind person but, unfortunately, we’re just companions. She doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I believe this is a very important part of a relationship and without it our marriage is doomed. I’d appreciate any advice you can give me. –TG, St. Paul , Minn (Ask Ivana, The National Enquirer)

ADA : Well, let’s take a look at the situation. First of all, is your wife ugly? If so that’s probably a good grounds for divorce even if she was giving it up. Secondly, if she makes a lot of money you may not want to be so hasty in getting out of this relationship. In fact, there is no mention of you being averse to having sex outside of the marriage.  If there is one thing I have learned in my years of being a wrestling fan it’s that relationships between a man and a women can only be strengthened by the addition of a third (or more) party.

Q: I'm a freshman in college and I live with a nymphomaniac! Every night she's in bed with a different person -- and the worst part about it is that they are not always men. I'm not quite sure how to confront her about it. I mean, she's a really nice person and a good roommate. It's just that her sexual behavior is way out of hand. What should I do? – Anonymous (Ask Irma, Cosmopolitan)

ADA : I think this situation clearly calls for an immediate intervention. Please send the ADA staff your address immediately, along with any pictures you may have of you and your roommate. This sounds serious and I may have to use the battle technique of the French called the coup de main. If that doesn’t work then we may invoke Plan B: ménage a trios.

Q: What’s the deal with Indonesia ? These guys are always winners in the “Letter Art” section. – Miguel Garay, Lima , Peru (Wizard)

ADA : This all started from a trip that artist Pablo Picasso took to Indonesia back in 1921. Pablo was there to be the honorary celebrity who cut the ribbon on the first Nike factory in Indonesia . Picasso is widely regarded in art circles as, well, how to put this delicately…as, a man who likes to dip his brush into a lot of bottles of ink. His dalliances with the women of Indonesia became legendary and he became the literal “father of modern art” on that very same trip. It’s a little known fact, but Jackson Pollack, Todd McFarlane, Leroy Niehman, Art Hirschfield, Salvador Dali, Norman Rockwell and Alex Ross, along with hundreds of other well known artists were all born in Indonesia .

Q: What are your thoughts on Terry Glenn? -- Johann Theissen, Milwaukee , Wis. (Mort’s Mailbag, ESPN)

ADA : Don’t get me started on Terry Glenn! I was almost in shock when Green Bay picked up Glenn last year wondering how in God’s name they missed Glenn’s entire career in New England . He is quite possibly the biggest piece of crap to ever walk this Earth. All right, maybe the second biggest after Courtney Love. I also just found out that Curtis Conway of my beloved Sand Diego Chargers was just released. This better be because the Bolts plan to draft Brandon Lloyd out of the University of Illinois or I will become a very bitter man come next September.

Q: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind," the fantasy-biography of TV producer Chuck Barris, revives an old debate surrounding "The Newlywed Game." In the film, we see a clip from the game show in which host Bob Eubanks asks a young wife named Olga, "Where is the oddest place you have ever had the urge to make whoopee?" After some bashful hemming and hawing, the woman answers, "In the ----." Her husband laughs heartily while Eubanks, stunned, tries to rephrase the question. Now, it was my understanding that this "Newlywed Game" moment was an urban legend, and that Eubanks had denied that such an exchange ever took place. Did the creators of "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" unearth the original risque footage, or did they simply fabricate the clip in imitation of the legend? - Maureen Stabile, Streamwood (Roger Ebert’s Movie Answer Man)

ADA : This one had me stumped as I really had no idea of what the “---“was. I put the word out to see if anyone could help me solve this riddle and was saved by my Smackdown recap partner at the Torch Diva Bobbi Jo Bethel. Apparently this woman was talking about was her fantasy of making whoopee “up the ass” with her husband. This event most certainly did occur as NBC, the station that will never, EEEEEEEEEVER deal with Vince McMahon again, regularly airs those “most outrageous moments” clip shows and that infamous moment was on one.

Q: Who do you think would win in a face off: Metroid’s Samus or Star Wars’ Jango Fett? Are they both not bounty hunters? Do they both not kick ass? Let me know where the people in the office stand on this important question. – Pedro P (Electronic Gaming Monthly)

ADA : Finally! A legitimate question that will take all of my mental acumen to answer. I’m assuming this battle between the two would take place before Jango got his head cut off in Attack The Clones. Oh sorry, I guess should have put a Spoiler Warning before that. My bad. Anyhoo, I think it’s obvious that Jango would win this battle because a man is going to beat any woman. Unless that man is Bobby Riggs or the woman is someone like the “Man Beast” Chyna. Samus though, is an undeniable babe. Wait a second, she could use her feminine guile to find Jango,and all males, one true weakness, the attraction to breasts. Through my flawless reasoning I have decided this question is unanswerable.

Have a question for Derek? derek@gumgod.com Send it in!

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.