Has another week already passed us by?
My aggravation last week of my beloved Chargers letting Curtis Conway go was
lessened by the signing of David Boston, so I’m in a much better mood this
week. I also want to thank everyone who checked us out last week and especially
those who sent in questions. Remember, the only stupid question is the one not
asked! Actually that’s not true; I’ve heard many stupid questions asked in
my life so whoever thought of that expression was a complete moron. The A.D.A.
staff will be sending off an Lord of the Rings DVD to a random person who
submits a query for the “World’s Smartest Man”©, so fire off yours today
and Ask Derek!
Q: From recent census reports there are 12%
African-American people in this
country and 13% Hispanic. What percentage does the WWE have of these
two minority groups? I can only think of 5 African Americans and 3 Latino.
-Richard via the internet
: I think you might have given the WWE the short end
of the stick when it comes to hiring minorities as I count Jazz, Booker T,
“Coach”, Teddy Long, Maven, Linda Miles, Jaqueline, Rodney Mack, Mark Henry
and Ron Simmons off the top of my head. In fact I’d be inclined to throw The
Rock, Tazz and Jamal & Rosie in that list as well only because I have no
idea of what any of them are. Your question did have me intrigued though, so I
decided to check out the full roster and here’s the current breakdown of
current WWE Superstars:
10 African Americans (possibly 14)
5 Latinos (I’m putting Nidia, Rey Rey and Lilian
Garcia in with the Guerreros)
4 Dumb Blondes
3 Other Girls
6 Announcers Who Suck
2 Flamingly Gay Interviewers (Matthews, Lloyd)
5 Big, fat pieces of shit (A-Train, Big-Show, etc)
4 Canadians (which equal about 1.2 Americans)
2 Former Vampires
5 Big, tall, useless pieces of shit (Test, Kevin
and 44 White Guys On Steroids
As luck would have it, the WWE employees exactly
100 Superstars. So the answer to your question is 10% and 5% respectively.
idea. We desperately need some humorous insight in
our society at this time.
Here's my very topical question:
If there's a terrorist attack using a chemical agent in a US city and the
following 5 infected people are transported to an area hospital that only has
enough counter agent to treat 2 of the people, who should the emergency room
physicians save and why?
1. A "live long and prosper" spouting hardcore Trekkie
2. A Daredevil T-shirt wearing comic book fanboy
3. An Everquest playing, Magic card buying, role-playing introvert
4. A dirt sheet subscribing, pro wrestling fanatic with poor hygiene
5. A Monty Python quoting,
fansite hosting webmaster
Pierce (Tampa, FL)
interesting question you pose Lance, one which needs to be looked at in several
different ways in order to truly understand the answer. First we have to look at
the question logically and from a financial standpoint of the hospital. The
comic book fanboy and EverQuest introvert are assuredly still living with their
parents regardless of their age and thus have the highest probability of being
under some sort of health plan.
The next thing we have to consider is the
possibility of contaminating other individuals. We are talking about a chemical
attack, so who knows what may be left in the survivor’s system. In this case I
think we have to consider treating the Trekkie and Monty Python fan because the
chances of them getting laid with a women and possibly spreading the chemical
agent are slim to none.
Lastly, we must uphold the basic fundamentals of
any E.R. triage and ask ourselves a couple of questions internally. Are any of
these 5 individuals a young, hot woman that we could possibly feel up while they
are under anesthesia? Are any of them willing to slip us a little scratch on the
side to ‘grease the wheels’, so to speak? If the answer to either of those
questions is, “no” then we must follow one of the above guidelines,
depending on our own particular beliefs. The only thing not in question is that
the pro-wrestling fan must be sacrificed for the good of humanity. I mean
let’s get real, anyone who subscribes to one of those so-called “dirt
sheets” has nothing to offer society anyway.
I've been a big fan of your recaps for a while now. Funny, funny stuff. Please
keep up the good work there. However, I have a couple of related non-wrestling
questions that have vexed me for many years, and am hoping you could shed
some light on the following related
hypothetical situations / ethical dilemmas: Suppose you invented a time machine.
You went back in that time machine, say, a week, and met up with yourself
from the near past. After a suitable introduction / small talk / drinks,
you and your past self go to a dark room and give each other a hand job.
Is this a homosexual act, or is it merely masturbation? -
: Interestingly enough, this is the exact question
which caused the great scientist Albert Einstein to commit suicide in 1955. I
have put many man hours into this though and have come up with the answer. My
exact theory is a little too complex for the average person to comprehend, so
I’ll dumb it down a little with the following analogy. Let’s say you were in
a car accident and declared dead at the hospital. Your “unit” was then
surgically removed and transplanted on a less endowed individual. As luck would
have it, your nephew John Henry had you cryogenically frozen and 2 years later
through the advances of modern medicine, you were able to be brought back to
life. Now, if you tracked down the man who was now in possession of your
“unit” and gave him a hand job it would most certainly be considered a
So basically, if you are jerking of a male
“unit” that isn’t intravenously connected to the hand doing the jerking
off, it’s a homosexual act.
Q: Why are men such bastards? -Marissa via the
: This is a common misconception, so by all means
don’t feel like an idiot for asking this question. Basically, as humans, we
have a predisposition to be jealous of people smarter, more successful or
talented than we are. From the Latin Spiteus Responsus, this is a gene that
makes us resent teams like the New York Yankees and have a strong desire to see
the celebrities in America crash and burn (hence the volume of business that
tabloids such as the National Enquirer and The Globe do.) Men, on average, are
smarter, stronger and make more money than the average women, so it’s only
natural to think of them as “bastards.”
Q: Okay: who do you think would win in a hardcore match--Buffy the
Vampire Slayer, or the Hurricane? - Ellen Cohen via PWTorch.com
: See above answer.
Actually, let’s look at this logically. Maybe,
maybe if Buffy and her sister Dawn were to undress and start to kiss each other
than the Ace Reporter Gregory helms might be caught in a momentary lapse of
concentration and caught off guard. But, the Hurricane? He’s a friggin’
Super-hero! My inside sources says he’s been with Witchblade, Fathom and all
three of those hot chicks in a Danger Girl, so it’s highly unlikely a girl
that’s married to a boob like Freddie Prinze, Jr. is going to turn his head.
Buffy does have an above average chance of beating Vampirella in a
Hell-in-a-Cell match though.
Q: Why does Tara Reid seem to appear in the
coverage of every
party? – Gayle Stephenson Austin, TX (Parade
: Tara Reid was born with the name Tara Epstein and
is the sister of the general manager of the Boston Red Sox, Theo Epstein and his
much less successful brother, Scott. They come from an extremely rich Jewish
family and, as it is commonly known in Tinseltown, the Jews control all forms of
media including TV, newspapers and even
itself. The sole exception to their domination and
control is pro-wrestling dirtsheets like the PWTorch and the Figure Four Weekly.
Q: Please help settle a debate with an objective
risk analysis. If a toddler’s parents are extremely attentive, and the toddler
is remarkably obedient, would you consider it a significant risk to keep a fan
on the floor? The grille has holes big enough for adult fingers. One party says
the fan should be moved. The other party says that risks are everywhere, and the
danger of the fan is too minimal to be of concern. – G. Walker Chicago,
: Risk analysis? We would all be so lucky if that
little brat would run into the fan and possibly maim himself. One less crying
brat I say! You would be doing your fellow man a huge favor if you might drop
some of those Japanese caltrops or rusty nails on the floor for the kid to step
on, or if you don’t have anything on hand, just casually trip the little rug
rat…hopefully into that fan.
Q: Who is Rodney Mack and what is his background? I feel bad that he's been
stuck in a role that D-Lo couldn't pull off, but I know nothing about him. –
Russ Fineman (Ask The Torch)
: Rodney Mack is a former West Coast rapper who went by the name Tupac Shakur. A
couple years ago Shakur and an East Coast rapper by the name of Biggie Fries
worked the entire Hip Hop world with an elaborate shooting that supposedly left
Shakur dead. Instead, Shakur finally had the paparazzi off him and decided to
follow his lifelong dream to train at the All Pro
Wrestling Boot Camp. Shakur changed his name to Rodney Mack and soon ballooned
in weight, causing APW owner Roland Alexander to be concerned that his Twinkie
stash might be compromised, so he shipped him off to the WWE.
Q: What is your opinion of blind dates? A good friend of mine, who is
married, has been trying to fix me up with some girl he knows from work. I have
not agreed to take her out yet. I don’t know what she is like or even what she
looks like. What do you think I should do? Take her out and risk getting mad at
my friend if things don’t go well or is it best to just forget about the date
and leave it alone? Have you ever gone on a blind date? – S.L. Dallas, TX (Musclemag
: Blind dates are the best because you can actually wear your wrestling shirts
out on a date. Let’s face it, most girls seeing an “
3:16” shirt or even a classier one like
’s “Assclown”, would be immediately turned off. But these girls are blind
and therefore can’t see a thing! Time to get that “bWo” shirt out of the
laundry basket and wear your “Big Evil” shirt with pride! They are also the
only girls you can take to a bar and pretend to be interested in all that
useless talk that women love to bore us with while staring at all the young
hooch walking around. I would have to take blind dates over deaf dates any day
of the week and twice on Sunday.
A guy who sits near me at work is a real motor mouth. Most of the time,
it’s not a problem and I enjoy his conversation. But he doesn’t know when to
shut up and can be distracting when I’m busy. I tell him I have work to do,
but that usually doesn’t stop him. I can’t move to another desk and don’t
want to complain to management. Do I have any other options? – G.H
: While you can follow the masters of conventional wisdom (©Wade Keller) and
resort to clichés like voodoo dolls and gypsy curses, have you thought about
the possibility of just shooting the bastard? I recommend a 9mm Glock. Be sure
to write up some sort of sappy suicide note and leave it and the gun with this
idiot after you cap him.
Have a question for Derek? email@example.com
Send it in!
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.