ADA #2

 

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Has another week already passed us by? 

My aggravation last week of my beloved Chargers letting Curtis Conway go was lessened by the signing of David Boston, so I’m in a much better mood this week. I also want to thank everyone who checked us out last week and especially those who sent in questions. Remember, the only stupid question is the one not asked! Actually that’s not true; I’ve heard many stupid questions asked in my life so whoever thought of that expression was a complete moron. The A.D.A. staff will be sending off an Lord of the Rings DVD to a random person who submits a query for the “World’s Smartest Man”©, so fire off yours today and Ask Derek!

Q: From recent census reports there are 12% African-American people in this
country and 13% Hispanic. What percentage does the WWE have of these
two minority groups? I can only think of 5 African Americans and 3 Latino. -Richard via the internet

ADA : I think you might have given the WWE the short end of the stick when it comes to hiring minorities as I count Jazz, Booker T, “Coach”, Teddy Long, Maven, Linda Miles, Jaqueline, Rodney Mack, Mark Henry and Ron Simmons off the top of my head. In fact I’d be inclined to throw The Rock, Tazz and Jamal & Rosie in that list as well only because I have no idea of what any of them are. Your question did have me intrigued though, so I decided to check out the full roster and here’s the current breakdown of current WWE Superstars:

10 African Americans (possibly 14)

5 Latinos (I’m putting Nidia, Rey Rey and Lilian Garcia in with the Guerreros)

4 Dumb Blondes

3 Other Girls

6 Italian-Americans

2 Japs

1 Super-hero

6 Announcers Who Suck

2 Flamingly Gay Interviewers (Matthews, Lloyd)

5 Big, fat pieces of shit (A-Train, Big-Show, etc)

4 Canadians (which equal about 1.2 Americans)

2 Former Vampires

5 Big, tall, useless pieces of shit (Test, Kevin Nash, etc)

1 Redneck

and 44 White Guys On Steroids

As luck would have it, the WWE employees exactly 100 Superstars. So the answer to your question is 10% and 5% respectively.

Dear Derek,
Love the
ADA idea. We desperately need some humorous insight in our society at this time.

Here's my very topical question:
If there's a terrorist attack using a chemical agent in a US city and the following 5 infected people are transported to an area hospital that only has enough counter agent to treat 2 of the people, who should the emergency room physicians save and why?

1. A "live long and prosper" spouting hardcore Trekkie
2. A Daredevil T-shirt wearing comic book fanboy
3. An Everquest playing, Magic card buying, role-playing introvert
4. A dirt sheet subscribing, pro wrestling fanatic with poor hygiene
5. A Monty Python quoting,
Fawlty Towers fansite hosting webmaster

Thanks,
Pierce (
Tampa, FL)

ADA :  An interesting question you pose Lance, one which needs to be looked at in several different ways in order to truly understand the answer. First we have to look at the question logically and from a financial standpoint of the hospital. The comic book fanboy and EverQuest introvert are assuredly still living with their parents regardless of their age and thus have the highest probability of being under some sort of health plan.

The next thing we have to consider is the possibility of contaminating other individuals. We are talking about a chemical attack, so who knows what may be left in the survivor’s system. In this case I think we have to consider treating the Trekkie and Monty Python fan because the chances of them getting laid with a women and possibly spreading the chemical agent are slim to none. 

Lastly, we must uphold the basic fundamentals of any E.R. triage and ask ourselves a couple of questions internally. Are any of these 5 individuals a young, hot woman that we could possibly feel up while they are under anesthesia? Are any of them willing to slip us a little scratch on the side to ‘grease the wheels’, so to speak? If the answer to either of those questions is, “no” then we must follow one of the above guidelines, depending on our own particular beliefs. The only thing not in question is that the pro-wrestling fan must be sacrificed for the good of humanity. I mean let’s get real, anyone who subscribes to one of those so-called “dirt sheets” has nothing to offer society anyway.  

Derek,
I've been a big fan of your recaps for a while now. Funny, funny stuff.  Please keep up the good work there. However, I have a couple of related non-wrestling  questions that have vexed me for many years, and am hoping you could shed some light on the following  related hypothetical situations / ethical dilemmas: Suppose you invented a time machine.  You went back in that time machine, say, a week, and met up with yourself from the near past.  After a suitable introduction / small talk / drinks, you and your past self go to a dark room and give each other a hand job.   Is this a homosexual act, or is it merely masturbation? - Lacquerboy (
Chicago , IL )

ADA : Interestingly enough, this is the exact question which caused the great scientist Albert Einstein to commit suicide in 1955. I have put many man hours into this though and have come up with the answer. My exact theory is a little too complex for the average person to comprehend, so I’ll dumb it down a little with the following analogy. Let’s say you were in a car accident and declared dead at the hospital. Your “unit” was then surgically removed and transplanted on a less endowed individual. As luck would have it, your nephew John Henry had you cryogenically frozen and 2 years later through the advances of modern medicine, you were able to be brought back to life. Now, if you tracked down the man who was now in possession of your “unit” and gave him a hand job it would most certainly be considered a homosexual act.

So basically, if you are jerking of a male “unit” that isn’t intravenously connected to the hand doing the jerking off, it’s a homosexual act.

Q: Why are men such bastards? -Marissa via the Internet

ADA : This is a common misconception, so by all means don’t feel like an idiot for asking this question. Basically, as humans, we have a predisposition to be jealous of people smarter, more successful or talented than we are. From the Latin Spiteus Responsus, this is a gene that makes us resent teams like the New York Yankees and have a strong desire to see the celebrities in America crash and burn (hence the volume of business that tabloids such as the National Enquirer and The Globe do.) Men, on average, are smarter, stronger and make more money than the average women, so it’s only natural to think of them as “bastards.”

Q: Okay:  who do you think would win in a hardcore match--Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or the Hurricane? - Ellen Cohen via PWTorch.com

ADA : See above answer.

Actually, let’s look at this logically. Maybe, maybe if Buffy and her sister Dawn were to undress and start to kiss each other than the Ace Reporter Gregory helms might be caught in a momentary lapse of concentration and caught off guard. But, the Hurricane? He’s a friggin’ Super-hero! My inside sources says he’s been with Witchblade, Fathom and all three of those hot chicks in a Danger Girl, so it’s highly unlikely a girl that’s married to a boob like Freddie Prinze, Jr. is going to turn his head.  Buffy does have an above average chance of beating Vampirella in a Hell-in-a-Cell match though.

Q: Why does Tara Reid seem to appear in the coverage of every Hollywood party? – Gayle Stephenson Austin, TX (Parade Magazine)

ADA : Tara Reid was born with the name Tara Epstein and is the sister of the general manager of the Boston Red Sox, Theo Epstein and his much less successful brother, Scott. They come from an extremely rich Jewish family and, as it is commonly known in Tinseltown, the Jews control all forms of media including TV, newspapers and even Hollywood itself. The sole exception to their domination and control is pro-wrestling dirtsheets like the PWTorch and the Figure Four Weekly.

Q: Please help settle a debate with an objective risk analysis. If a toddler’s parents are extremely attentive, and the toddler is remarkably obedient, would you consider it a significant risk to keep a fan on the floor? The grille has holes big enough for adult fingers. One party says the fan should be moved. The other party says that risks are everywhere, and the danger of the fan is too minimal to be of concern. – G. Walker Chicago, Ill (Ask Marylin)

ADA : Risk analysis? We would all be so lucky if that little brat would run into the fan and possibly maim himself. One less crying brat I say! You would be doing your fellow man a huge favor if you might drop some of those Japanese caltrops or rusty nails on the floor for the kid to step on, or if you don’t have anything on hand, just casually trip the little rug rat…hopefully into that fan.

Q: Who is Rodney Mack and what is his background? I feel bad that he's been stuck in a role that D-Lo couldn't pull off, but I know nothing about him. – Russ Fineman (Ask The Torch)

ADA : Rodney Mack is a former West Coast rapper who went by the name Tupac Shakur. A couple years ago Shakur and an East Coast rapper by the name of Biggie Fries worked the entire Hip Hop world with an elaborate shooting that supposedly left Shakur dead. Instead, Shakur finally had the paparazzi off him and decided to follow his lifelong dream to train at the All Pro Wrestling Boot Camp. Shakur changed his name to Rodney Mack and soon ballooned in weight, causing APW owner Roland Alexander to be concerned that his Twinkie stash might be compromised, so he shipped him off to the WWE.

Q: What is your opinion of blind dates? A good friend of mine, who is married, has been trying to fix me up with some girl he knows from work. I have not agreed to take her out yet. I don’t know what she is like or even what she looks like. What do you think I should do? Take her out and risk getting mad at my friend if things don’t go well or is it best to just forget about the date and leave it alone? Have you ever gone on a blind date? – S.L. Dallas, TX (Musclemag International)

ADA : Blind dates are the best because you can actually wear your wrestling shirts out on a date. Let’s face it, most girls seeing an “ Austin 3:16” shirt or even a classier one like Jericho ’s “Assclown”, would be immediately turned off. But these girls are blind and therefore can’t see a thing! Time to get that “bWo” shirt out of the laundry basket and wear your “Big Evil” shirt with pride! They are also the only girls you can take to a bar and pretend to be interested in all that useless talk that women love to bore us with while staring at all the young hooch walking around. I would have to take blind dates over deaf dates any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

A guy who sits near me at work is a real motor mouth. Most of the time, it’s not a problem and I enjoy his conversation. But he doesn’t know when to shut up and can be distracting when I’m busy. I tell him I have work to do, but that usually doesn’t stop him. I can’t move to another desk and don’t want to complain to management. Do I have any other options? – G.H Boca Raton , FL (Ask Ivana)

ADA : While you can follow the masters of conventional wisdom (©Wade Keller) and resort to clichés like voodoo dolls and gypsy curses, have you thought about the possibility of just shooting the bastard? I recommend a 9mm Glock. Be sure to write up some sort of sappy suicide note and leave it and the gun with this idiot after you cap him.

Have a question for Derek? derek@gumgod.com Send it in!

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.