Ah, it’s the middle of March and you all know what that means,
that’s right, more snow for us unlucky bastards who happen to be living in the North East. I actually spend most of my days now just spraying as many aerosol cans as I can into the atmosphere to hopefully speed up the Greenhouse Effect. I also want to clear up a common misconception. Many people think that I “recap” the WWE show
Smackdown for PWTorch.com.
A man as intellectually gifted as myself would never lower himself to merely reporting on what happens on a TV show, that’s what VCR’s were made for. I, in fact, “predict” what is going to happen on
Smackdown every Monday morning and send it off to Wade Keller, who, for some reason unknown to me, holds on to my exclusive report until late Thursday nights.
My success rate at “foreseeing” match results is unprecedented in the history of professional wrestling and in fact I’m currently being courted by Bryan Alvarez, RD Reynolds and Dave Scherer, among many others to predict Velocity for their websites.
Anyhoo, let’s get on to the mailbag and help some poor souls who unfortunately, whether through poor schooling or fetal alcohol syndrome, weren’t blessed with the same intelligence as me.
Q: Dear Mr. Burgan, Do you think Johnny Stamboli will ever become the WWE Heavyweight Champion? Sincerely, A.G. Marshall down the block from St. Bernadette’s
ADA: That depends, AG. We here at ADA aren’t about making educated guesses though, we’re all about facts. I’ve consulted top mathematicians and physicists around the world, including the world renowned Dr. Honeydew and Dr. Pepper on this very question. My think tank and I have actually put together a formula which gives exactly what “The Bull’s” chances are:
Johnny Stamboli(WWE Title) = JobberMTV Heat + (Hell Freezes Over/Vince Loses His Mind) / F.B.I + History of Major Titles[David Arquette + Vince Russo/ PPV Buyrates]
Q: If Bruce Campbell was a wrestler/wrestlers manager, and you were a booker, what gimmick would you give him? - Zyps via the Internet
ADA: Without question you got to bring him in as Ash. Not as the ultra cool Ash who kicked undead ass throughout all the
The Evil Dead movies, I’d go with the S-Mart employee Ash who was a complete braggart in a dead end job. How cool would that be for a heel manager, a friggin’ S-Mart employee! I can’t even imagine how great Bruce would be at portraying a character who on one hand is talking all the shit in the world, and in the other backing down like a coward to the threats of Spike Dudley until his men made the save.
Q: Love the ADA v 2.0 idea. Here are a few Q's that have perplexed me for the longest time. If a tree falls in a forest, but nobody is around to hear it, does Sid Eudy have any talent? If Kevin Kelly is Nailz, is Todd Pettingil really Batista? - Jason (Chicago Suburbs)
ADA: Sid Eudy, otherwise known as the Great Mutah, has been having tremendous success over in Japan, despite blowing out his knee several years ago in WCW. In fact, I find it hard to believe you feel Sid, who also wrestled as Sid Justice in the WWE has no talent as he is in fact the wrestler that first used what is now commonly known as the “Lou Thesz Press.” As for your second query, just because Kevin Kelly has had his salad tossed on many occasions by larger men, it doesn’t mean he was a former convict. A more appropriate comparison would be NWA TNA’s “Bruce” which would make Todd Pettingil a midget that beats off in a trash can.
Q: Derek, like you, I am now a world-famous wrestling columnist. I pay the mortgage, the cable bills and the delivery boy with the enormous wads of filthy lucre that I get from my amazing columnist gig. But, like you, fame has started to eat away at me. Specifically, it tells me that I could be getting lots more booty than I currently get.
My current plan is to ditch my fiancée, who I have been with for four years, for the screaming throngs of wrestling columnist groupies. My question is: after I boot the old woman's sorry ass to the road, how do I go about sampling the eternal fields of ass available to me? Do I introduce myself as "Jeb Lund, the world-famous internet wrestling columnist"? Or do I wait until I get recognized at the bar? Surely my erudite and wrestling-related patter with the bartender will be a dead giveway that I am "that famous
guy." Or maybe I'm wrong here. Tell me, how do you do it? And when is the "Girls Gone Wild: PWTorch" DVD coming out? -
Jeb Lund, OnlineOnslaught.com
ADA: Jeb, big fan of your work. And when I say “big fan” I mean, “I’ve never heard of you.” We’ll answer your questions in reverse order. The PWTorch: GGW DVD is set to arrive in stores the week of July 25th. While Wade is charging $29.95 per disc, I can tell you it’s worth the money considering it has exclusive “MST3K-like” commentary by myself,
James Guttman and
Mike Sempervive, deleted scenes and a hilarious audition tape from when the Torch Diva Bobbi Jo Bethel tried out for the movie Cat Girls in Heat.
As for your bigger issue of how to attract the young Hooch, well that just happens to be my specialty. First of all you need to be hanging out at the hot clubs of your area. This is imperative because alcohol increases the chances of getting laid by a factor of at least 10. The history of the world has put out but two universal truths. One is that we are all going to die. The second is that a drunk chick puts out. To impress the ladies I would recommend a wrest ling T-shirt. What could possibly look more attractive than a man in a “Toothless Aggression” shirt? A cowboy hat screams “John Wayne” coolness, so be sure to include that in your ensemble. Next up is what we in the hood call bling, bling. How about putting one of
these babies on a necklace and wearing it to so those pieces of ass that you mean business! Constantly hum the song “Killing me softly” by Lauren Hill to show these potential sperm banks that you have a soft side as well. Follow this advice Jeb, and I guarantee you’ll be swimming in poontang pie. Be sure to update us here at ADA with pictures of all the asses that you tapped!
Q: Dear Derek, Say, me and my girl just moved in together this past weekend. Getting booty
every night is all good. But, there's a minor problem. The problem is that, well, she bought her cat over to live with us. I don't really like cats, and she loves her damn cat. I just don't know how to break it to her that I really don't like the little bastard and want him out of the apartment. Thanks. - Engene (Washington, DC)
ADA: Engene, lucky for you I was put on this Earth to solve such conflicts. Many men, a large percentage of them professionals, have looked to me for advice when it comes to dealing with the women in their life. O. J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Ted Kennedy, and Jason Kidd are just a few of the names I like to drop when talking about the success I’ve had when it comes to handling domestic issues. As for you personally, here’s what I’d do. First of all, call your woman at work and tell her to meet you at Chili’s and you’re going to treat her to dinner. She’ll be so excited at getting a free meal like all those money grubbing, ungrateful sows are, that she won’t even think for a second about your master plan. Now, before you head to the dinner you need to break one of the windows in your apartment. Strategically knock over several items in the house. In fact, break several things, but MAKE SURE the things you break are hers and not yours. Lastly, kill the cat. May I suggest the microwave? I’m pretty sure you’ve got a good idea of how to do this part anyway, so let’s skip to the dinner. Try to put up with her inane talk about work for a couple hours before taking her home. Upon walking in, act shocked. When your girlfriend finds the cat, be sure to fabricate some heroic story of how the cat must have stumbled onto the burglars and died a “hero.” Make absolutely sure you do not laugh during this story.
Yeah, you’re out the cost of the window, but hopefully your girlfriend had some money stashed in the house that you can claim was “stolen” to pay for that. The cats gone and you’ll be up to your ears in sympathy sex for at least six weeks.
Q: Derek, I was in my local gentlemen's club the other night having a few beers when I overheard a conversation between two of the "entertainers". A blond was telling an Asian chic about a how she got picked up by a guy the other night at a bar. She said she had sex with him but she didn't give him oral pleasure because she really liked him and wanted him to respect her and not think of her as a slut. Is it just me or is this one of the craziest things you have ever heard. - Labarron (Mobile, AL)
ADA: A girl that doesn’t give head? Man, like VHS tapes, that’s a dying breed. That’s pretty crazy, almost as crazy as someone going to a strip club to see Asian chicks. Let’s face it, the term bukkake was invented solely to make Asian women tolerable to look at.
Q: Hey Derek, At my office, many of my co-workers are bilingual (they speak Spanish, French, Italian, Hebrew, etc.) and often engage in non-English conversations right in front of me. I consider it rude and automatically become suspicious that there's something they don't want me to know. What should I do about it without seeming like a bitch or a lunatic? - Ellen via the Internet
ADA: Ellen, this question is typical from people working in entry level jobs, like yourself, so don’t feel stupid in any way for asking it. What you should do is something we in the biz call “working the marks.” I was taught it by Bruce Mitchell and I’m going to pass it off to you. When you happen to be around these co-workers, start to randomly throw words that make no sense into the conversation mid sentence so that they become as confused as you are to their conversations. Here’s some sample words to help start you off: qwazz, Kellerooni, gig, heel, potato, swerve and tweener. Soon your co-workers won’t want to be within 10 miles of you and your problem will be solved!
Q: According to GI JOE, knowing is half the battle. What is the other half of the battle? -Drew Ste. Marie (Los Angeles, CA)
ADA: There are actually three halves to the battle. Yeah, you know and I know that there can only be two “halfs”, but keep in mind we are talking about the military which is composed of all the kids who knew they couldn’t get into college anyway. It’s not the best and the brightest we are talking about here folks. So we know that one half is, “knowing.” An often overlooked half of the battle is, “training.” It is imperative that in any battle, whether it be a full scale assault on Saddam Hussein or a personal battle with those love handles that have been bothering you for years, that you train hard and smart, preparing constantly to achieve the desired result.
The last half is, “alcohol.”
I’m glad you brought up GI Joe, as that series has had an unbelievable impact on my life. Many personal traits which I have acquired come directly from it. I look back at think that from GI Joe I learned about honor, integrity and doing the right thing. I also learned to masturbate to the thought of doing Lady Jay and Zarana in a Ménage à trois.
Q: Where are my keys? Thanks for your help. - SD via the Internet
ADA: For my ADA readers who are “hip challenged”, the word “keys” is slang for the needles that steroid users have that they use to inject the “juice” up their ass. The juice then does wonderful and miraculous things to their muscles, making them much bigger and more attractive in general
to the ladies. Anyhoo “SD”, I sent out the package last Tuesday. I use “media mail” because I can use the money saved on postage to re-up my subscription to Bang Bus.
Q: Who better than Kanyon? (This will be a moot point after he jobs to Rikishi on 367,496 Smackdowns in a row). Thanks, Ed (North Carolina)
ADA: Johnny Stamboli.
Q: Hi Derek. I forgot my question. -Nice Moore, Mars
ADA: Don’t feel bad Nick. You see, there is a weird occurrence that NASA scientists found out in the early 70’s, and that being the inverse relationship between the distance one is from Earth and that person’s memory. Now you, being from Mars, have had a very minimal impact, only forgetting your question. As you can see from last summer’s hit movie
Signs, the effect gets greater the farther from Earth you are from. Those aliens, who have mastered the ability to break the time/space barrier, forgot that our planet is made up of 80% water and our bodies are consist of about 75% of H2O.
Derek Burgan is the most widely read writer on the Internet, appearing on close to 3,000 websites. He hails from Manchester, New Hampshire and really doesn’t like snow. Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All