ADA #4

 

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Well it’s been quite a crazy week in this world of ours.

I find it hard not to be depressed when I turn on the news and see over and over one of the most tragic events of my lifetime filling up the screen. Of course I’m talking about the University of Illinois getting beat by Notre Dame in the March Madness tournament. I’ve found it best not to dwell on the past though, so to release that pent up frustration we’ll answer some questions.
Before we start though let’s send out a thank you to Labarron McCaskey from Alabama for taking home the DVD this week. I haven’t decided which disc I’ll give away this week but rest assured I’ll keep throwing them out to random questioners until I get sick of it.

Q: Hi Derek, Its been about 6 months since my woman left me back in September which has given me a lot of time in my life to think about the important things that matter in life. My question has fueled endless hours of debate and name calling for some time and I was wondering if you may be able to give a final answer for it. Who would win in a fight between the X-Men and the J.L.A? I'll leave it up to you to decide which incarnation of the groups to use in coming up with your answer. Also perhaps you might be able to figure out why my woman left me in the first place, that would really help out too. Thanks, Robert via the Internet

ADA: These is a very important question Robert that has haunted many the waking hours of undersexed geeks worldwide ever since the X-Men versus Teen Titans book came out many moons ago. The comic industry has had it’s share of King Kong vs. Godzilla battles including Muhammad Ali against Superman, Archie against the Punisher and of course, Cherry Poptart versus double input. Many variables have to be considered in each battle and here are the biggest three in our particular discussion. 1) DC comics completely suck. 2) Grant Morrison’s New X Men is the best X Men book ever done & 3) Did I mention DC comics completely suck? Oh sure, if this were done every political game in the book would be played and the two companies would put out their own versions of the epic battle with each side having their heroes win, but since no one buys DC books, history will show the X-Men soundly defeating JLA. I personally would love to see Wolverine dip his admantium claws into some liquid kryptonite and kill Superman once and for all.

However, the Justice League cartoon could kick the X-Men cartoon counterparts very easily.

Q:Here's the one question that has plagued man's mind for all of eternity: What's love, in fact, got to do with it - Subliminalname via the internet

ADA: Love has about 8% to “do with it.” The rest of the mix includes, alcohol (18%), breast to hip ratio (32%), financial status (12%), spit or swallow (14%), triple input (9%) carpet matching the curtains (6%) & intelligence (1%).

Q: Who's going to win the NCAA Tournament? It's Michigan State right....right?? What? Oh come on, Kentucky's only won like 20 something straight games. So we agree, MSU NCAA 2003 champions!!! -RyeBread800 via the internet

ADA: MSU has a better chance at winning the women’s championship that it does at winning the men’s. Although I assume you are not talking about the Women’s Final Four because you, like the rest of the world, probably don’t give a rat’s ass about women’s basketball and are like me, going, “What the fuck?!” when you turn on NBC and see a WNBA game on. It’s common knowledge that the only good thing that has ever come out of Michigan is the Detroit Red Wings. I’m going to go on record and peg the Men’s Final Four at Duke, UK, Syracuse and Florida. I’m also going to pick the women’s Final Four. BWA HA HA!!!! Oh man, sometimes my sense of humor even amazes myself. As a sidenote “humor” is spelled “humour” in Canada. Why? Because they are fucking morons.

Q: I am constantly finding myself attracted to unattainable men. Married, engaged, gay, living on a tiny island off the coast of Sweden, whatever. The last time I tried having a boyfriend, his brothers got jealous and kept telling him I had no personality, so we broke up after only two months. It's spring and I want to find a good man without having to get drunk or put out on the first date (Molly Holly and I are the last two Professional Virgins in America). What is your advice? Thanks, Ellen via the Internet

ADA: Ellen, I get this question asked all the time by women with small breasts, so don’t feel like an idiot for asking. It seems to me your best chance is with men we call “strays.” That being they are straight now but are going to turn gay sooner or later. These men are probably being drawn to the power of the cock, so don’t bother with wearing low cut dresses or anything. Might I suggest you walk through stores such as American Eagle and the Gap humming Elton John tunes such as “I’m Still Standing” and “I guess that’s why they call it the blues”? Here’s a huge tip. If you see a guy with his tongue pierced it is like that little watch that Tom Cruise had in Minority Report that counted down to Zero Hour. These men are on the edge of turning gay and have most likely already had their first taste, so get to them quick!

Q:Hey Derek, I was looking over the website when I came across your section. I like it, therefore I have a question for you. For the past five years, I've had a best friend who I think is the coolest guy in the world. He told me that we should get a place together and make it a pimp pad!

I thought about it and we did it. We get lots of hoes! But, here the problem: The fucker don't clean up after himself! I'm talking, he'll make Mac N' Cheese one night and leave the damn pot on the stove for about two weeks without washing it! He's a freaking slob! He's a cool guy and all, but I don't how to tell him to start cleaning up his shit! What do you suggest? Regards, Ben New Orleans, LA


ADA: This is a question right up my alley as not only do I share the same affliction as you Ben, that being I have a complete slob as a roommate, but I can also help you out. You see in the time honored tradition on wrestling there is this great word called a “rib.” It’s basically something you do to someone when they are pissing you off or in case you are someone like Bradshaw, something you do just because you are an asshole. Anyhoo, a stage one rib is to literally take a shit and place in your roommate’s shoes or gym bag. If this doesn’t get his attention, it’s time for Stage 2. When your “bud” is asleep, light his bed on fire. Lighter fluid tends to work best in this case. If he still won’t clean up his shit I can give you a last resort. It’s the number of a friend of mine who breaks guys legs for fun. His name is Keith, but let me tell you in advance, this kid is crazy and you need to be able to live with the consequences.

Q: Hey Derek, LTFT. Who would win in a fight between Mike Mignola's Hellboy and The Big Show? Second, would the outcome be any different if the referee were a giant semi intelligent nazi cyborg ape? - Tenacious M, Wynantskill, NY

ADA: First of all, for my ADA readers who are “hip challenged”, LTFT is an acronym for “Labium Tastin’ Fellatio Takin’” and it’s usually only reserved for the most hardcore of my ADA freaks, like Tenacious here. Considering that Big Show has jobbed for every member of the WWE, including Jeff Hardy and even himself for God’s sake, I think it’s obvious that Hellboy would kick the shit out of that fat slob even without the help of the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. As for a “giant semi-intelligent nazi cyborg ape”? Well, if A-Train were to get involved I’m not convinced it would change the outcome one bit except maybe lower the star rating from Scott Keith.

Q:Dear Derek, Sometimes when I go to sleep just after jerk off while thinking about my Italian girlfriend, the image of a pizza with lots of knockwurst on it enters my dream. Given that you are the number one dream doctor, what is the significance of this pizza with knockwurst, and why doesn’t it have the standard pepperoni on it?- Richard Tarbell via the internet

ADA: Let’s take this one step at a time. You dream of pizza because it is by far the greatest food that man has ever created. Pizza shares many things in common with your Italian girlfriend’s snatch, they are both warm, they both taste good and they both should be as hair free as possible. Your sub consciousness realizes what your head doesn’t though, that pizza will never, ever cheat on you something your girlfriend has already done on many occasions. Secondly, be glad that the pizza doesn’t has pepperoni on it. As soon as it does, along with Italian sausage or Salami, you are halfway home to getting your tongue pierced and everything that comes along with that. Do what I do, jerk off to Mary Kate & Ashley

Derek, some of these may be too demented for you to use, but I thought I'd toss them your way. - Thanks, Howard via the Internet

ADA: Let’s clear something up. There is no such thing as too demented for me. I come from the hard streets of Manchester, New Hampshire. I’ve seen it all and I’ve done it all. Secondly, while I appreciate you sending in 40 questions, I had to narrow it down to your best two in order to give space to others.

Q: I heard that if Kurt Angle was not able to fight as Wrestlemania that the WWE would've hotshoted a feud culminating in Droz vs. Christopher Reeve headlining Wrestlemania XIX. What would the stipulation for that match be?

ADA: It would be under the rules of a “First Drool” match which is very similar to a “First Blood” match that you see in many promotions today. I have it heard from many sources within the wrestling industry including Bryan Alvarez and Mike Sempervive that the WWE has Stephen Hawkings on retainer to be a guest ref in case said match happens.

Q: Why hasn't Tiger Ali Singh been given a push to the stars? He was my cab driver in New York City last week, and I give his charisma four stars on the Meltzer-O-Matic. He was especially funny when slowing down for Danny Glover, than speeding away as Glover reached for the door.

ADA: Tiger Ali Singh already was given his big push. For years he wrestled under a mask as Mil Mascaras and would rarely, if ever, suffer a pin loss. He was in a WWE Royal Rumble several years ago. When the economy in Mexico collapsed thanks to NAFTA, Singh decided to give up the squared circle and follow his life long dream of being a New York City cab driver, something that has been in his head since the day’s of watching Louie Depalma verbally spar with Alex Reiger on TV’s “Taxi.”

Q: I have a couple questions about the "disarmament" in Iraq:

1a) "An Iraqi soldier guns down Geraldo Rivera. Should he be indicted on war crimes or be awarded the Medal of Honor?"

1b) "Is it considered friendly-fire (now given the name 'fratercide') if we accidentally bomb a unit and kill off a couple of reporters, or is it considered a mercy-killing?" - Thanks, Dann via the Trailer Park


ADA: Geraldo Rivera, better known as Odai Hussein, is currently in hiding with his father Sadam. Odds are that if he were to be shot it would be by an American soldier as the term “friendly fire” seems to be unique to Allied forces. That soldier would then be giving a choice of either the Medal of Honor or a chance to be a judge at next year’s Girls Gone Wild PPV. As for your second question Dann, it is what we in the business actually call natural selection, or thinning the herd to the masses.

Q: My question is simple; where is Mr. Wrestling 2 these days? If he is still alive I want to say thank you for being such a great role model for us kids in Columbus, GA in the 60’s- Andrew Jones via the Internet

ADA: Mr. Wrestling II, real name Peter David, was able to retire from wrestling after he trademarked the number “2.” David made a mint off the move “The Godfather 2” and recently has become one of the five richest American’s thanks to Hollywood’s reliance on sequels instead of original ideas. He now spends his time writing comic books and is best known for his work on The Incredible Hulk.

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the sexiest. He has gone into Pepsi-One DT’s since he has been unable to find the beverage for about a week. Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.