ADA #5


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Welcome all to another fun and exciting installment of the internationally revered Ask Derek Anything!

While the rest of the United States is enjoying the beautiful weather that Spring brings, we here in New Hampshire are still being assaulted by mother nature, with yet another blizzard being predicted for Monday. Although today it’s a balmy 35 degrees outside, so who can complain?
Let’s get right to another batch of reader questions and afterwards, we’ll correct some questions that were answered incorrectly by my brethren in the legitimate press.

Q: Salut Derek, je voulais savoir : si tu avais le choix de tuer quelqu'un qui a participé à Loft Story 2, tu choisirais qui ? Leslaï, Angie ou la Ch'tiotte Nénette ? -Célian Varini, France

ADA: See kids, this is exactly why we hate France. Can you picture a more irritating language? I would have to say Pig Latin is on a level of tolerability that French will never achieve. None the less, I will answer Célian’s query. For those of you who need to know, Célian is asking about a show called “Loft Story 2” which is only aired in France and gay Turkish bath houses. It’s a reality series that is sort of a combination of Tough Enough, Blind Date and Big Brother. It is also possibly the worst show ever created by man.

The gist of it is this. 20 people between the ages of 21-29 (10 men and 10 women, but since this if France you can be assured that they are all ugly) live in a loft for 12 weeks. They are “professionally trained” by well known wrestling trainer-sociopath Tommy Fiero who, along with taking bumps, includes the art of spamming websites in his training. The 20 kids have a series of Inter-gender, which, as you all know from Raw, are completely different from mixed gender matches. Whoever loses gets tossed off the show until there is one overall winner, who becomes known as Les Incompetent. Throughout the entire episode a ton of pop-ups assault your eyes, just like Blind Date, but because these so called “jokes” are written by French writers, they are most assuredly the unfunniest thing this side of a Roddy Piper promo.

So answer your question Célian, I would kill none of your selections. I would in fact kill Félicien Taris because of his world famous song “cum cum mania”, which to me, gives a bad name to the term bukkake.

Q: Dear Dezza, I have a question (or 2) that demand(s) your expertise. You see, I have a friend in New York who told me that he saw the 'wrestler' known as A-train (formerly Albert) at a bistro. Then, another man moseyed on down and sat next to him. They exchanged kisses and my friend could just hear A-train say "Hi Wade-babe". Now who the hell is this 'Wade-babe' and where does he come from?? Eh????? Apparently, when they left, skipping whilst holding hands with roses in their mouths, a piece of paper dropped from 'Wade-babe's pocket which predicted that the WrestleMania match with Big Slow, Underseller and Nathan Green would be *****. What's going on!???

Also, is Psylocke the fittest Marvel comics femme or am I just a sad twenty one year old who really ought to think about getting a girlfriend and losing the memories of the hormone-popping early teen period?- Mark from the UK

ADA: “Wade-babe” is actually a well worn slang word used by the New York homosexual community. Just like the rappers have their on sub-culture language with words like “bling bling” and “hype”, the gay culture has their own as well. “Wade-babe” is equivalent to a rapper’s “Dawg.” I do find the piece of paper with the match rating interesting, and while it would be a little difficult to figure out exactly who it was, we do know that it was in New York, where is located. So, being the World Champion (1995-current) of the game Clue that I am, I’m going to piece everything together and assume Dave Scherer is our mystery man.

Psylocke wouldn’t even be considered in the top 10 of Marvel babes. This is actually a topic that fellow Torch writers Keith Lipinksi, Gregg Allison and I discuss at length, usually ending with one of getting physically punched in the gut by another. Yes, it’s a “hot” topic, not unlike abortion or affirmative action, but we feel it must be discussed ad nauseum. Currently the first MILF in comics history, Sue Richards of the Fantastic Four gets my top spot while Millie the Model heads up Gregg’s. Keith keeps picking “The Oracle”, despite the fact she’s a DC character, because he has some bizarre sexual fantasies involving women in wheelchairs that, trust me, you do not want to hear about.

Q: Dear Idiot in Manchester, What makes Abercrombie & Fitch so incredibly gay? I walked in there the other day and they had the worst music playing to the point where the whole store was vibrating. I looked around and saw that majority of their clothes were purposely torn, ripped, and wrinkled. Since when was it cool to pay designer prices to look like a street hobo? Did you know the stuff the pockets of shorts to further enhance the "I just woke up from the gutter" look? I had a hard time distinguishing the guys from the girls because they all looked like they were wearing tube tops and mini shorts. It was an absolute nightmare...between the loud music, the confusing genders of people, and everything else, I felt like I was having a panic attack or some sort of acid trip.

I'm confused, afraid, and a little concerned. I felt embarrassed walking in that store...sorta like the same way someone feels when they walk into some sort of sex/porno shop. Please help, Concerned from Mars

ADA: This is a well kept secret in the fashion industry, but The Gap, Abercrombie & Fitch along with American Eagle were created in the mid 90’s by noted homosexual designer Gianni Versace in an attempt to turn the entire youth of America into an asexual, homogenized group of trained lemmings. In 1997, the owner of the store, Hot Topic, Andrew Cunnanan tried to stop this madness by killing Versace. Cunnanan went to jail for this quote-unquote “crime” and while there was introduced to the homosexual lifestyle. Upon his release he immediately opened a chain of stores named “Tossed Salad”, more commonly known as “Old Navy” today.

Q: The hot news of today, EZE Bischoff fired Stone Cold Monday night on RAW. Why? EZE said he had doctor’s orders. But knowing Bischoff it was his ego. And to add insult to injury Goldberg shows up the same night!- Andrew Jones, via the Internet

ADA: Eric Bischoff fired Stone Cold because, according to the PWTorch Newsletter, Steve walked into the building Monday, saw that he was putting over The Hurricane, and was about to walk out. In order to prevent a re-occurrence of the last time Austin walked out, a story line was quickly concocted about a fictitious neck injury. The X-Rays that Bischoff had were not Austin’s but actually Josh Matthews, who’s C3-C7 vertebrae have all had to be fused over the years due to excessive performances of fellatio on men up to three times his own size.

Q: What is the meaning of life, besides the number 42? Ellen, via the Internet

ADA: Ellen, because of most women’s predisposition to not understand things like math or science, I get this question all the time from them, so don’t in any way feel stupid for asking it. First of all, the number you are thinking of is 37. Not to say that 42 isn’t significant, because it is. In fact it relates to me in a very special way. If you take Sergei Federov’s number (91) and subtracted Bret Hull’s (17), Steve Yzerman’s (19) and Pavel Datsyuk’s (13), you would get 42. Those four are probably the best players in the entire NHL right now and on the World Famous Detroit Red Wings.

As for the meaning of life? Here you go!

Q. I just got back from seeing "Willard" and also came to the conclusion, before reading your review, that the creature who played Ben was not a rat. But what was he?- David Mitchell, Franklin, Mass. via Movie Answer Man

ADA: Ben was played by an unusually small Yorkshire Terrier named “Comet.”

Q: Hi, I was wondering if you have any information on Paul Heyman and why he hasn't been on TV over the last three weeks? M.L, via Ask The Torch

ADA: While on the road with the Smackdown crew, Paul Heyman spent many nights in hotel rooms up late at night. See, unlike every other performer on the roster, he does not ingest 10-15 Somas© before going to bed. This is actually the result of a rib in which Shannon AllThatAnd Moore had Heyman convinced that Somas© contained pork. So while he was up at night, Paul repeatedly saw the infomercial for a product called “Bow Flex”, and more specifically, the “Box Flex Six Week Challenge.” Heyman ordered the product and is currently in the process of improving his physique, ready to re-debut with the WWE in a series of Subway-like “Jarred” vignettes in the coming weeks.

Q: George W. Bush is one of the most conservative Presidents in our history. What about his wife Laura? Dennis Connaly, Boston, Mass via Parade Magazine

ADA: I’m sure you be quite surprised to hear that Laura Bush is almost the polar opposite of her husband. In fact she actually started the website MILF Hunter, only severing ties with it after her husband won the election. The media also kept out the fact that all the times we saw Bush’s under aged daughters arrested for a variety of alcohol-related offenses, Laura was also involved. In Washington circles, Laura is a well known party animal who has even been rumored to be intimately involved with Eminem, Bowser, from Sha Na Na, and FFW~’s Bryan Alvarez.

Q: I’ve heard there’s a long word to describe a person who uses long words. Do you know what it is? Steve Waterbury, Los Angeles, CA via Ask Marilyn

ADA: The word is “asshole”, but I wouldn’t call it unnecessarily long.

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the sexiest. He asks that if any of his readers work for a Pepsi distributor to contact him immediately! Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!

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