ADA #6

 

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You know, I was just at Best Buy going through DVD’s

and they had Colin Farrell’s “Tigerland” in the bargain bin at $6.95. Even though I already have a copy I almost wanted to buy another one out of sheer principle. Jesus Christ, Beverly Hills Ninja is 20 bucks and Tigerland is 7? What the hell is this world coming to?

Q: In a winner-take-all match-up, who do you think would come out the victor? The Detroit Red Wings, or The Care Bears? It seems that cartoon-based teams seem to have a surreal ability to lull the Auto-city ballerinas into a defenseless state. Also, what are your odds on next year's super bowl team will be the Little Giants? - Dan Bucker via the Internet

ADA: For those younger readers of ADA who may not have a clue as to what the Care Bears are, let me give you a brief summation. The Care Bears are small, colorful bears that live in a land, up in the sky, called Care-A-Lot, which is conveniently located near “Mojo-ville”, a retirement home for cantankerous wrestling writers. They live among puffy clouds, smiling stars, and colorful rainbows…much like the place former WWE Superstar Jeff Hardy lived in when he’s half whacked out on acid. Okay, now that you’re up to speed, we’ll answer the first question. You know the Care Bear Stare has been known to take out some very powerful opposition such as Evil Dark Heart and, I believe, Skeletor. The Red Wings would have no problem completely destroying a team made up of animals with the names of Bedtime Bear or Brave Heart Lion, unless or course it was in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. The Wings have been beaten by both the Sharks and Ducks in the first round, quite embarrassingly I might add, so any other animal would have just as much of a shot.

As for your pigskin query, I would have to say the Little Giants certainly have a better chance to win the Super Bowl than the New York Giants. However, if I had to pick a team early, I’d have to go with the San Diego Chargers, who made a good offense great with the addition of David Boston. God, all I can think of right now is that old arcade game Cyberball and how much better it was than any EA Sports Madden game.

Want to Kill some Care Bears? Click Here!.

Q: Yoeth, my brother doesn't know what to get me for my birthday, so I was thinking about him getting me a wrestling book or two. Could you recommend any? Both biographies and non biographical? Thanks dudeage, -Zpy

ADA: The following books should be in every real wrestling fans bookshelf. Foley is Good, Have A Nice Day : A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks, Long Bomb: How the XFL Became TV's Biggest Fiasco, Dave Meltzer's Tributes, and Pure Dynamite: The Price you Pay for Wrestling Stardom. I would put the XFL book as first on my list as it has the best case for how insane Vince McMahon really is and gives you a better understanding of why he does so many idiotic things in wrestling. Pure Dynamite is also a book you can’t put down, although you might want to because it really paints a bad picture of the business and the men in it, who would clearly sell their souls for “one more push.”

Q: Derek, I have a problem. I write a weekly wrestling column and have been made to feel so freaking out of place. I'm a good looking, happy, successful, sexually active guy who doesn't live with his Mom, watch Japanese cartoons, or think that Art Bell knows the meaning of life. I hate Star Trek and people who talk solely in wrestling lingo. And to top it off, I don't think that Chris Benoit is God or that Triple H is the devil.

I like what I do, and would like to keep doing it, but I'm sick of getting angry e-mails about "workrate" and seeing other columnists rip on, and rip-off, my work on other sites. Being a success, how are you able to feel so comfortable while dealing with the dorks who e-mail you and think that Dave Meltzer doesn't talk enough "lucha," and being mocked by other writers that think that hanging out and playing Magic: The Gathering is a hot Saturday night? Please don't print my name. Even though I've tried to adapt, I get scorned by this group of weirdo's who call themselves the IWC. Thanks for your help. MIKE SEMPERVIVE call me the pillar of the Torch LOUNGE. p.s. Can I borrow five bucks?


ADA: Mike, I mean “pillar”, what you ask is something that used to keep me awake many a nights, not unlike the thought of Britney Spears in her outfit for the video Hit me baby, one more time. You’re letter is full of contradictions. You are a wrestling writer but don’t think that Chris Benoit is God? You are a wrestling fan and yet you are good looking? I have half a thought to throw this letter in the garbage as fantasy, but I will humor your question.

I myself have been deluged by idiots who apparently feel the need to tell me that I write too much when I share my God-given gift of recapping Smackdown, so I feel your pain. Last summer there was a great song by one hit wonder Jimmy Eat World called “The Middle” that was the rage for a couple months. They lyrics of that song though, really should resonate with a writer in your/our position. Here, in fact, is a small sample that should remind you to fight the good fight and let the WWE haters continue their incessant rambling.

hey you know they're all the same you know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in live right now just be yourself it doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else

Q: Dear Mr. Brogan: I say that Black Canary is the hottest comic book babe of all time. I dare you to prove me wrong! -Anthony G. Marshall PS. The word is "sesquipedalian”

ADA: For those of you who have a great memory, the word “sesquipedalian”, that Anthony refers to, was from the question of ‘what is the word that describes people who have a tendency to use big words?’ This differs from the word redundant, which would be best used to describe a person such as Mr. Marshall here who continues to beat a dead horse the way Dave Meltzer lavishes praise upon Bob Sapp. Anyhoo, it’s hard to take seriously any statement that contains the words “Black Canary” and “hottest babe.” Maybe, and this is a stretch, if Canary guest starred in Batman and was drawn by Jim Lee, she would look acceptable, otherwise she wouldn’t even rank in the top 25 of Marvel Babes behind such hotness as Kitty Pryde, the White Queen and Mary Jane Watson.

Q: Dear ADA, There was a sprited debate on the radio this morning regarding a top 10 sports themed movies of all time list they found on a website. As you're a self-proclaimed movie expert, what sports themed movies make up your top 10 list? - Lance in Tampa

ADA: A very good question Lance. And here they are: Caddyshack, Rocky (I’d even throw in 2-4), Bull Durham, Rudy, The Mighty Ducks, Beyond the Mat, Slap Shot, The Longest Yard, He Got Game and I will also throw in For Love of the Game, which may not suit everyone’s tastes, but it was done by Sam “Spider-Man” Raimi, and that’s good enough for me.

Q: Hey Derek, why is the word "I" always capitalized? We don't capitalize "me", "you", "him", "her", etc. Wuzzupwitdat?(tm) Ellen via the Internet

ADA: There are five words that are capitalized no matter what in the English Language. To ask why is to ask the impossible. You might as well ask how a plane flies. It just does. Anyhow, here are the five: “I”, “God”, “He” (in reference to God) , “Him” (again, in reference to God) and “Wade Keller.”

Q: Who would win in a three way match with Goldberg, Austin and Vic Mackey? - Drew , Syracuse

ADA: The Shield's Vic Mackey would definitely put up a good fight and most definitely take out a “scumbag” like Goldberg. However, Steve Austin would use this opportunity to hit Mackey with wrestling’s all time greatest finisher, The Stone Cold Stunner.

Q: Do you miss WCW as much as I do? -DAVE SHEVIL via NWATNA.com

ADA: I don’t think anyone misses WCW as much as you Dave, there are many other shows that I miss though, including Alf, Sledgehammer, TV Nation, Sportscenter with Keith Olbermann or Craig Kilborn, The Family Guy, Seinfeld, Blossom, Ducktales and HBO’s 1st and Ten.

Q: I remember seeing Tony Schiavone on a TNA show a couple of months ago and I got excited. However, after the show the following edition of "From The Inside" with Jeremy Borash said that it is unlikely that Schiavone would be making anymore appearances on the shows. I was wondering if you knew what happened there. David Saxon of Hot Springs, Ark via Ask the Torch

ADA: A couple of things happened actually. The first was that Tony showed up at TNA Asylum and didn’t realize what a minor league organization it was. In an exclusive “Torch Talk” with Jason Powell, Tony actually said taping in the basement of Jim Crockett’s house, like they used to do for the old NWA Saturday Night shows, was more professional. The other reason that Schiavone won’t be back is that TNA was served with a cease-and-desist order from Mark Madden, claiming that Tony was stealing his gimmick of an obese man wearing ridiculous Hawaiian shirts.

Q: I’m getting pretty sick and tired of seeing guys smaller than me bench more than I can. I’ve been stuck at the same weight for over a year now. Do you have any tips to help me overcome this plateau? - Anonymous via Musclemag International

ADA: As it so happens I have a preview copy of Triple H’s upcoming book and it contains many things which will help you out! First off, The Game says you need to ask yourself a couple questions. Luckily none of them include if you are willing to eat right or go to the gym. Whew! Who needs hard work like that? Anyhoo, the first three questions that the Cerebral Assassin wants you to ponder are these: 1) How much money are you willing to spend? 2) Are you adverse to sticking a needle in your ass? And 3) Do you consider things such as shrunken testicles, infertility or uncontrollable moodswings a “side effect” or a “benefit?”

Q: Whatever happened to the little redheaded boy who starred with John Ritter in Problem Child and its sequel? - Anonymous via Ask Star!

ADA: That little boy is all grown up, but like cousin Oliver in the Brady Bunch, he found he was typecast as a mischievous kid and no one in Hollywood would hire him. First off, he legally changed his name so he wouldn’t be haunted by his past. He t hen started to take some correspondence courses in Journalism through the mail. Luckily he could draw “Cubby” and the pirate pretty well, so the grades looked pretty good. He hit the road with his B.A. in Journalism searching for the lowest rung in the writing ladder. I’m happy to report that today is still enjoying his job and is currently dating a girl who quickly jumped to a 7.3, but fell down to a 4.8 at www.hotornot.com. If you happen to be the Twin Cities area and run into a “Jason Powell,” be sure to say ‘hi’ and tell him how much he made us all laugh as a precocious child.

Q: I’m 15 years old, flat as a board and worried that my boobs will never grow. I wear padded bras, but they don’t help much. Is there anything I can take or do to get bigger breasts? When I tell my mother I want implants, she just laughs. - SG, San Antonia, Texas via Ask Ivana

ADA: I’m not sure if answering this question violates my registered sex offender status, but I’ll take a stab at it. Your mom is right to laugh at the idea of implants as they regularly go for upwards of 3-5,000 dollars, which is a lot of money for a person working at Target. I suggest this. There are plenty of household items that can be used as a substitute for saline implants. You’re going to need a pretty sharp knife, at least two aspirin, and one of the following objects: a piece of boneless chicken breast, a Ziploc bag of Jell-o, a bag of Kit-Kat bites, one of the those “stress reliever” squeeze things, or small bag of frozen peas. Cut a three inch slit on your breast, as close as you can get to your armpit, and put your object in. Voila! You’ve just gone from an “A cup” to a “babe!” You can thank me later!

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the sexiest. He asks that if any of his readers work for a Pepsi distributor to contact him immediately! Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!


Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.