ADA #7


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Harris Black of Vancouver, B.C. asks: For the backstage segments, does WWE really fly in the talent just to film that segment? Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to film the scenes (for the month) all from any generic locker room set? (From Ask The Torch)

ADA: What the WWE doesn’t want known as public knowledge is that many of the “Superstars©” in backstage segments are actually housed at Titan Towers 24/7 and unable to leave until they pay their debt to Vince McMahon. The debt is usually started when the performer is “sold” to Vince McMahon by their former promotion. McMahon then charges an exorbitant amount for rent at Titan Towers. Many years ago, according to the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter, Nailz was the first wrestler to actually ever pay off his debt. This made McMahon so mad he concocted the story of Nailz trying to assault him so that the wrestler would be blacklisting. From that point on McMahon changed the way he charged wrestlers for the food they ate from an exciting food pricing program he saw being launched at movie concession stands and sports arenas across the country.

In related news, recently Erin O’Grady (Crash Holly) was reportedly “released” but he had actually paid off McMahon after selling much of his videogame collection to Electronics Boutique. How McMahon will deal with this has yet to be seen but Those In The Know say McMahon had Bradshaw take Stevie Richard’s X-Box and destroy it.

John McKinney asks: Just wondering what the "gorilla position" refers to? From what I can gather it is almost some sort of backstage enforcer either that or the Kangaroo Kourt judge. (via Ask the Torch)

ADA: The Gorilla Position was a term devised as a rib on the wrestler A-Train. According to several sources, when Brian “Spanky” Kenrick was learning the ropes during his first few weeks with the Smackdown Brand, he was amazed to see the amount of ring rats that A-Train was taking to his hotel every night. Spanky was overheard saying the following, “What, does he do them in the missionary position, or the Gorilla position?” While he generated a laugh at the time, Spanky was stooged out to A-Train by another wrestler and has been in the WWE doghouse since.

[Author's Note: Because all these "professional" advice columnists like Dear Abby and Dr. Phil really PISS US OFF here at GumGod HQ, I felt the need to offer real-life answers to some serious questions. I expect the authors of the dilemmas below will contact me to express their heartfelt thanks for not bullshitting them with the typical psychobabble so here's a "You're Welcome" in advance.]

DEAR ABBY: I just found out my 18-year-old daughter, "Lorraine," and I have drastically different views regarding sex.

Since her 18th birthday, Lorraine has had sex with three different men. She will meet them, spend a day with them, and have sex as part of the date. Lorraine feels that sex is "no big deal," but I am heartsick. She is putting her health in danger -- and I don't think what she's doing is emotionally healthy, either. Lorraine says I wouldn't feel this way if she were my son, but she's wrong.

Don't young people today care about their physical and emotional health? How can I make her understand that it is important to have an emotional attachment with someone before having sex? -- WORRIED MOM IN WASHINGTON

ADA: Oooh la la! An 18 year-old chick banging guys left, right then left again? From my Hetero/Male/Sexist (HMS) Perspective I CANNOT possibly imagine how this is a bad thing. However, I can easily imagine a couple of pertinent details the mom may have left out in her letter that need to be known so we can respond more appropriately to the issue at hand:

The daughter is most likely Chelsea Clinton dog-ass ugly. I’m talking fat, pimply, red-headed - and NOT in the Angie Everhart hot way - replete with an untamed bush smelling like a Red Lobster dumpster on a late Sunday afternoon in July, a swarthy coating of she-male hair on the arms and below the nose that makes you want to wretch as though dry-heaving could clear your head of the horrific sight before you. Yeah, I’m talking THAT kind of dog-ass ugly. Chances are the daughter was raised in a single-mom household and is DESPERATE for a father figure. No, I’m not talking about a Father figure like the tweener diddling Priest down at your local rectory. I’m talking a father figure like George Michael sang about. The kind that doles out discipline with a stiff rod (wink, wink) and an oh-so-firm hand that leaves ass cheeks white with palm prints and flush with so much red flesh that squatting to pee becomes a necessity for the next six hours. The father figure that spanks and pinches and tells his "daughter" that naughty girls DON’T get to wear panties when they go to the mall. Yeah, that kind of father figure.

Ok, we’ve narrowed down the subject matter to a fat Darlene (from the old Roseanne show) looking promiscuous young lass endlessly searching for a father figure to love her. Well, here I am, baby! Come on over and we’ll find some use for you. Oh, wait, that’s not very professional of me. Let me regroup and collect my thoughts.

Here are the proper answers to the mom’s questions: In most cases a young person’s emotional health is in direct correlation to their physical health. If the mirror screams back, “You fat f'n bitch!” chances are the chick is going to hate herself (and with good reason). This leads to no friends - at least no good looking friends, no boyfriends and certainly no Prom (The horror! The horror!). And an emotional attachment before sex? The mother is clearly grasping at straws here. Face it, old lady, the daughter was born with your pear-shaped figure and oily complexion. The same reason your husband ran out on you lo’ these many years ago is the same reason your daughter has to spread like cream cheese on a first date to keep a guy interested, YOU UGLY SOW.

In summary, mom, you should be happy that your daughter obviously has a fully-functioning vagina and knows how to use it. The first rule in the course on “How to Make Friends and Influence People” if you’re a female is USE SEX AS A WEAPON. So it’s clear that little girl that popped out of your nasty birth canal 18 years ago is carrying a f’n .38 Special between her thighs. Stand tall and be proud mom ‘cause your little girl is all grown up now.

Now, if I’m totally wrong on this and your daughter is actually a little hottie with an ass that don’t quit, well that’s a horse of a different color indeed. Clearly she’s a nympho and should move directly to Van Nuys to get work in the “Industry”. She can change her name to something like Candy Kane and get paid to have sex with many anonymous (can you name more than two male porn stars?) partners. With a fake name, fake tits and fake tan she’ll be out on her own and not shaming you anymore. And if it makes you feel better you can offer Candy a piece of advice before she hops on that Greyhound to La-La Land; tell her to save the anal for her off-screen boyfriends. They appreciate that shit.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old father of a 2-year-old son, "Joey." Joey has been living with me since my ex-wife, "Kathy," was indicted on federal charges that range from drug trafficking to money laundering.

Abby, I know I am a good father, but I am upset with Kathy for leaving me alone to raise Joey. My son needs his mother, too. Joey will be an adult when she is finally released from prison. My problem is, what do I say to Joey now when he asks, "Where's Mommy?" -- HALF EMPTY IN TEXAS

ADA: The conniving bitch got what was coming to her. How dare she get involved in drug trafficking and not cut you a share? She should have paid for Joey’s college education or at the very least knowing that little Joey has a snowball’s chance in hell of making it to college you could have spent the money on a month-long sex & gambling vacation in Costa Rica! What a sinister c~nt. She’s probably related to the mother in the previous question above. Stone Cold Steve Austin has a credo called DTA - Don’t Trust Anyone. Well, we here at ADA have a modified version of that code that is even more truthful; DTAW- Don’t Trust Any Woman. BeLee Dat!

Anyway, the answer to this question is ridiculously easy; just tell little Joey that “Mommy is DEAD!” then lock him in his room for a few days until he stops crying. If the little bastard insists on asking questions about his filthy mother then sell him into slavery on the black-market and use the proceeds to take that much deserved vacation in Costa Rica.

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the sexiest. He asks that if any of his readers work for Vivid Video to contact him immediately! Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.