ADA #9


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Welcome to another installment of Ask Derek Anything: An International Affair

Shamelessly ripping off an idea from Fox television, we are asking our resident expert on foreign affairs and big-boned women, Celian Varini, to help answer your questions. When we say “foreign affairs” we don’t mean anything political, Celian is just a Frenchman who enjoys sleeping with married women. Anyhoo, Celian resides in France, yes that France and wants the world to know that not every person in that country sucks, contrary to popular opinion. Celian has volunteered to answer some of your questions because Derek’s usually too busy banging dirtsheet rats interning at the lavish GumGod offices.

Take it away Cel-

Q: Cool site and column. My question is this: Since wrestling writers tend to take poetic license, making up words and phrases like "bonzo-gonzo," "apesh*t," and "World Champion Chris Benoit," I'm curious: What do you think is the silliest, most pointless word in the English language? Conversely, what's the most overused word? My choices would have to be "smark" for overuse, and "Intercontinental Title" for pointlessness. Thanks! 

-Erskine Thompson Director, Seven Hills Championship

ADA: Once again, you people are way off and assume you know everything. The terms "bonzo-gonzo", "apeshit" and "World Champion Chris Benoit" do not come from the wrestling biz. I am probably going to burst the bubble of many of readers, but the wrestling biz isn't the center of the universe. The porn biz is.

The term "Bonzo-Gonzo" comes from Matt Stryker, who is neither one of the 2 Matt Strykers of the US Indy wrestling scene, but in fact Jeff Stryker's little brother. He followed in his brother's footsteps and also became a porn star in the late 80's in straight films. But instead of having a thick blue veined rod like his bro, little Matt had a tiny weenie, but had another enormous appendix : a Triple H nose.

He first starred in Ed Power's "Dirty Debutants #1: Nasal Love". It was Power's failed attempt at introducing (no pun intended) a new type of porn in the biz, i.e.: sex only with the schnoz. Apparently, Lord Of The Rings’ very own Peter Jackson was such a fan of this movie, that he even did an homage to it in his hit movie "Meet The Feebles". True story. Anyway, Matt Stryker got the nickname "Gonzo" in the biz, after the Muppet character, because of his big nose. His brother got ashamed and made him quit the biz. Matt got back to his normal life and is now working in a "Wendy's" in San Jose, California. The term Gonzo stayed and has of course been stolen by other popular culture vehicle such as wrestling, but its initial meaning has been lost.

I encourage our readers to go to and request that the next anatomically action figure be of Matt Stryker, so we can all pay homage to the Man. WHHHooooooooooooo.

"Ape-shit" comes from the site The guys on the site used to specialize in scat movies featuring monkeys, which is the number 1 pet in Brazil, and of course was the first zoo/scat website in the world. They had to change because they didn't have enough numbers and have now gone back to being a simple regular scat site. Thank God !

The little "*" replacing the "i" in the word "apeshit" is a complete invention of the wrestling dirt sheet industry. Or should I say dirt sh*t ?

Back when he had all of his teeth, Chris Benoit (real name: Ben Chrisoit) was also a major porn star in the gay industry, just as most of the current WWE Superstars by the way. Benoit was simply known as "The World champion" in the biz. While he is now married and has a child, Benoit is well known in the WWE locker room to sometimes hit on his most butch colleagues: A-Train, the late Rick Rude, Dawn Marie Wilson : these guys all felt the power of the "Champ".

Oh, and to answer your questions, I'd say: "flan" and "shiznit".

Q: hi derek, you are my favorite columnist at pwtorch. I have two questions, as part of the ask derek anything program. what is your favorite brand of peanuts? despite being high in fat, are peanuts clinically proven to prevent heart problems? because I heard they are, but I’m not quite sure.

and why do you have so much time on your hands? and why are there more than 20 questions on the top 20 questions page?

ok, so it was actually 4 questions, but you are such a genious that you should be able to answer them all with little effort. thanks! -Mirkane

ADA: As you can see the question refer to the word "genious" (sic), so it was obviously a shot at Derek Burgan. Since I am just a puny French guy with the brain capacity of poultry, I will only be answering one of these 4 questions. But I do have a few questions to ask you myself. First my answer is: "You will die alone".

And now here are my 4 questions : What kind of a name is Mirkane ? How come you don't ever put capital letters anywhere ? Have you starred in gay porn ? What are peanuts ?(this ties into my above question because like the terms “fluffer” and “money shot”, “peanuts” is a porn industry term for a man with an incredibly small sack)

- Célian Varini

***Another excellent performance by Célian, who hopefully will one day also take the time to explain why he has that stupid accent mark above the “e” in his name. I will take the question of a poor, unfortunate soul over on the Wrestling Observer site.

Q: What ever happened to the winners from Tough Enough 3? The other winners came out fast. What's up with these guys? Let me know thanx - Danny via the Wrestling Observer comment board)

ADA: The winners of Tough Enough 3; Matt Capolleti and John Hannigan, got into a little heat when they were seen eating at the T.G.I.Friday’s that Johnny Jeter works at with former Tough Enough contestants Darryl, “Danimal” and that hot little minx Jessie. Jim Cornette had steam coming out of his ears, especially when he read in the PWTorch’s The Powell Report that other Reality Television stars such as The Real World’s Judd Winnick and Puck, Survivor’s Richard Hatch and Johnny Fairplay along with Joe Millionaire himself, Joe Marriott, were also in attendance. James E. actually was most upset that the party left an 18% tip, which is completely ridiculous to a penny pincher like Cornette, who in the words of Gorilla Monsoon, “has deep pockets and short arms.”

To punish Matt and John, Cornette decided to set an example. John was immediately whished away to the “Big Ring” to work the style of Kaiju Big Battel. Cornette feels that with working with Good Hands such as Kung Fu Chicken Noodle and Los Plantanos, Hannigan might get a better feel for the ring. Matt was demoted to being the chef down at Ohio Valley Wrestling and is being called “Cookie” by the boys. Cornette really likes to rib young Matt and forces him into Making Meals Like This.If both Matt and John serve their time without complaining, it’s rumored that Cornette will bring them back to OVW by the end of the month.

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the angriest. His top 3 favorite films in 2003 are Finding Nemo, Kill Bill and X2. Have a question for Derek? Well, send it in!

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.