ADA #10


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Welcome to yet another exciting and informative installment of Ask Derek Anything: An International Affair. 

You know the deal by know, PWTorch Euro Heat Guy Varini has graciously devoted his precious time (let’s get real, like there is anything else to do in France. Have you seen the women over there?) helping to answer all of the questions that are seemingly unanswerable. Celian’s IQ has been tested to be “off the charts” and equivalent to the power generated by at least three hamsters running in a wheel. He has been called the David Blaine of knowledge; not only because he is often doing the impossible, but because he is France’s biggest publicity whore. If you have a question you would like to have answered, Send It In!

Q: Well Mr. Know it all, how do they get Teflon® to stick to the pan?? - Jeremie Hooper via the Internet

ADA: According to, Teflon is a hoax. One of the biggest scams in the history of the universe (sic). It just shows you the power the mind has. For years now the Teflon company has made all of us believe that nothing could stick to Teflon. Actually the cookware they sell is exactly the same as the other brands, its just that our minds have been so used to the slogans and the urban myths that nothing is supposed to stick to the pan, that we don't see it. An easy test to prove that, and that I urge all of gumgod’s readers do to prove it is this: put a Teflon pan on the stove at full power. Put some oil in it and wait for it to boil. When it does, gently press your cheek (right or left, you choose) on the pan and wait for you skin to melt. Then try to get your face off the pan. You won't be able to, because melted skin has been proven to be one of the many things that sticks to Teflon. Just ask our little friend here who recently made the test. PS : Say hi to Tobe for me.

Q: If the temperature now is 0 degrees, how cold will it be if it is twice as cold? -auntymazza via the Internet

ADA: F = (C x 1.8) + 32
C = (F - 32) / 1.8

Once again Europe proves its superiority on the US. Not only do we use the metric system, which is more practical and logical than whatever you guys use, but we also judge the degrees in Celsius, not Fahrenheit. You see, water boils at 100°C and freezes at 0°C. Quite simple isn't it? So when it is 0°C, it actually is 32°F. So twice as cold would be:

F = (0 x 1.8) +32 / 2 
F = 16 
So for my money, 2 x 0 = 16

Q: Dear Derek, I have to complement you for answering my last question regarding my masturbatory habits. The use of sausage on the pizza was so obvious! My question concerns the name of the wrestling hold "the Sharpshooter". How many names does it have? I have heard of many names to describe this move used by Brett Hart, Sting, Chris Benoit, The Rock, and most notably, the best WWF heavyweight champion of all time, Rugged Ronnie Garvin. Sharpshooter, scorpion deathlock, pretzel figure four, grapevine Boston crab. Are there other names that you know of for this move, and which one is the CORRECT name? Thanks Derek! -RT via the Internet

ADA: Usually I don't even answer to people that write "Brett" Hart with 2 Ts, but the truth on the matter must be told.

Back in 1887 George Hackenschmidt first used the move in a match against Terry Funk in the "Elysees Montmartre" in Paris, France. Everybody was stunned since back in those days (and until 1996) most of the matches consisted in punches and kicks, what is now commonly known as “The Strong Style” in rasslin’ promotions such as Ring of Honor. Roger Couderc, who was commentating the match for French TV almost choked when he saw the move and called it on the spot: "Quelle prise!” So the official name of the Sharpshooter would be a "Quelle prise!” But since it does seem a bit pretentious to call a name by its original name when you don't even understand what it means (see Quebrada, Enziguiri, Tope, Huracanrana, 3 Point Stance etc ...), Vince McMahon simply translated the expression to English using the BabelFish online translator back when it was in its infancy, and actually got the correct translation: "Waddamaneuveur".

Till next time, Célian


Derek checking in here. I can see Célian pulled out that stupid metric system again. If I had a choice between that, soccer, and alleged pop “superstar” Robbie Williams, I honestly don’t know which one I would pick to explain why I can’t stand Europe. Anyhoo, it’s time to answer a question from the world of oiled up, hairless men who pretend to hit each other, so let’s get to it!

Q: My question is in regards to Stacy Keibler. When WCW held their Nitro Girl search, was Ms. Hancock the pre-determined winner or was the contest legit? I know at the time she was a Baltimore Ravens' cheerleader with no involvement in wrestling that I'm aware of. - Todd Fisher of Ramstein, AB,Germany via Ask The Torch

ADA: This is a bizarre story that in hindsight looks even more weird. Eric Bischoff, who was head of WCW at the time, had just introduced Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. The characters were an immediate success because the fans took to it like a “WWE Invasion.” Bischoff wanted to recreate this magic and scoured the WWE archive looking for things he could rip off. He decided to steal the idea of the WWE using “mini” versions of their wrestlers such as Mini-Vader and Mini-Mankind. Bischoff sent agent Terry Taylor to contact the Keibler elves from Nabisco. Even after repeatedly being told they were cartoon characters by the representatives of Nabisco, Bischoff refused to back down from his idea. This stubbornness would be seen years later with Bisch backing the doomed MatRats rasslin’ promotion way beyond the point when any normal human being would have given up.

Meanwhile WCW was doing a Nitro Girl search for the sole purpose of getting hot girls to send them pictures, a idea that is genius in retrospect and has been taken to the next level by magazines such as Maxim and Stuff. As Bischoff was going through the applications he saw one by “Stacy Kiebler.” Bisch was determined to get a Kiebler in his organization no matter what the cost, and even cut Master P and the Rough Riders from WCW in order to offer Stacy a more lucrative contract. This, coincidentally, is what really started the East Coast/West Coast “rap war” that is often mistakenly credited to Suge Knight. After Stacy signed on the bottom line, Bischoff immediately created the idea of a worked “Nitro Girl” contest as a way of ripping off the WWE’s “Karate Masters” tournament and had the newly named “Ms. Hancock” win. The rest is history.

And for the record, the WWE’s Brawl For All continues to this day to be the only legit competition in the history of American professional wrestling.

Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the angriest. His top 3 favorite DVD’s in 2003 are Finding Nemo, The Lion King . and Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl. And no, Michael Eisner didn’t pay him to write that. Have a question for Derek? Ask Away!


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