The Inside Dig
By Dusty Giebink
Hello everyone and welcome to my debut column here on GumGod.com. In this column I intend to look at What’s Hot and What’s Not in the magical world of professional wrestling, along with that pesky little devil known as the Internet Wrestling Community. This list is by no means comprehensive, as believe me, there is much, much hot, hot stuff going on right now. The kind of stuff I’d like to really sink my teeth into, if you know what I mean. But this list offers a look at the very best of the best, the hottest of the hot and the nottest of the not. Feel free to disagree, but most importantly, I hope you enjoy.
WWF’s Hottest Matches videotape. This red hot videotape starts out with an advertisement for WWF action figures, and is then hosted by Sean Mooney. Now, I don’t really think I need go any further to explain why this tape on the hot list. I mean, have you heard Sean Mooney’s voice? The cool, crisp, calming timber of his dulcet tones are enough to set anyone at ease. The voice acts as a reassuring device, a soothing, satisfying salutation assuring you that the action about to be unleashed in front of your eyes won’t succumb to salacious indiscretions.
Oh yeah, and there’s matches on the tape as well. Judging from this website (http://www.websurfnicaragua.com/spin/wwfhottest.htm), there are four of them. Each one filled to the brim with exciting, exuberant action of the highest sort. It doesn’t matter if none of the matches are any good. This tape is worth buying for the interaction between Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. Keep score at home as Hayes takes big British dump after big British dump on everything Mooney has to say~! Oh Lord Alfred, you are such a cad, but good ol’ Dusty loves you anyway.
Inferno Matches. I will never forget the original super sizzling Inferno Match spectacle. It took place at the Unforgiven 1998 pay-per-view between Kane and the Undertaker. The object of such matches is simple: be the first one to set your opponent on fire. And sure enough, clear as day, I remember Kane getting his padded, wrapped up arm set on fire and him jogging to the back as quickly as possible.
Now I’m not going to be a Negative Nelly and complain about how cheap that ending was. I don’t think it was at all. Who can argue with the site of a big, muscular man with a red mask on his head getting set on fire and running out of the arena? It’s a sight I’ve hit the rewind button in my mind on many a time in the past, let me tell you. Kane, hate to see you leave, love to watch you go. And before I go I think it is wonderful that Clint Eastwood won an academy award for directing that Pay Per View. Unforgiven may not be at the level of his previous efforts such as This Tuesday In Texas or AWA’s SuperClash, but sometimes you just need to reward someone for a lifetime of greatness.
Disco Inferno. Following along the same lines as the Inferno Match, this wrestler was ready-made for any hot list. I mean, he had the bell bottoms, he had the hair, the look, the moves that would make you grove. . .he had it all! He had the personality, he had that certain something that makes a star. A true sign of how out of control politics were in WCW is the fact that this guy never got a run with the World Championship. But I digress.
Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that the artist formerly as Disco has decided to continue his career in the NWA TNA promotion under his real name, Glen Gilbert. Glen, word of advice to you: there goes your career! It may work for a certain lovely and talented
Melissa, but this isn’t Little House on the Prairie and you shouldn’t use it as a wrestling name. I would put you on the not list, but I unfortunately do not watch TNA as I am a mere poor, starving college student that can’t afford to spend ten bucks to see one of my heroes lose his name and me lose all my respect for him. Instead, I will forever cherish the moments of you shaking your hips and warming all our hearts. Nothing can ever take that away from me.
Triple H. This one needs no explanation. So, here’s the explanation: The man is once again the Raw Brand’s World Heavyweight Championship. He is married to WWE owner Vince McMahon’s smart as a whip daughter, Stephanie. And, he has beautiful, gorgeous, long, flowing frizzy hair. One can go far in the wrestling business with beautiful, gorgeous, long, flowing frizzy hair.
The decision by the Torch to put pictures of the Big Five writers on the website for their columns. It used to be that I could log on to PWTorch.com and read excellent columns by Bruce Mitchell and Pat McNeill, etc. etc., and be most entertained by the literature being laid before me. But there was always some intrigue; always a bit of mystery. I would lay awake at night, wondering, pondering, what exactly do these Rhodes scholar-worthy wordsmiths look like? Now, I need worry no more. Since the decision has come down from the Torch’s Powers That Be to post the pictures with the column, you’re looking at one happy man. Plus, the fact that Bruce’s website picture is completely different from his newsletter picture (which looks like it might have been taken in 1873) only adds to the intrigue.
On a side note, it is getting increasingly difficult for me to concentrate on anything Pat McNeill writes anymore now that he has a new photo plastered on top. To say this new pic is an improvement over the old one would be an understatement of epic proportions. I often find myself daydreaming of what it must be like to pour lotion all over Pat’s back and massage it under the glaring Mediterranean sun. But, again, I digress.
Al Snow. Seriously Al, what is up with your new haircut. Nobody died and made me fashion and beauty consultant or anything, but that skunk look has got to go. I was going to put you on my metrosexuals of the year list (coming soon~!), but with THAT hair, oh I don’t think so mister. I might not know much about beauty or hair care or anything like that, but let me put it to you like this Al: I might not be able to cook, but I can tell you that you just burned your pizza. Al, you have done the hair-equivalent of burning your pizza. And for that, along with the last name “Snow,” you earn yourself a spot on the not list, I mean what could be more opposite of the term hot than that? Well unless we count Stone Cold Steve Austin, or a wrestler named Chilly McFreeze if Vincent Kennedy McMahon ever decides to go in that direction. Look out Kevin Sullivan, The Inside Dig is on a booking roll!
2 Cold Scorpio. Another person with a name destined for failure. Honestly, Scorpio, how do you expect to get heat with the name “2 Cold”?! This isn’t rocket science, for the love of Wade Keller! It would be bad enough if that was the only thing I could find fault with your name for, Mr. Scorpio. However, the “2” instead of “Too”? What is that?! I’m sorry, but you’re not the Beatles, and you’re not even the Monkees. You can’t get away with a cute misspelling, and now you’re paying for it with obscurity. If you want to ever to learn how a true midcarder should act, read the beautiful prose of Matt Hardy in the WWE book “Existing 2 Expire.” Maybe then you can also date a nice and proper white girl like Matthew as well.
Ice Train. This is the guy that later in his career called himself M.I. Smooth. No sir, you are anything but smooth. You could block out the sun standing on Pluto, big boy, so you have no right to perpetrate these harsh lies to unsuspecting, unknowing children that might be in the audience. For that, you deserve this spot, Mr. Train.
Glacier. And the hits just keep on coming. Do these wrestlers have any basic understanding of how to get heat? Fact: how hot can you get when you’re a glacier? Besides, he didn’t even play a real glacier. He was some kind of martial arts guy or something. Not sure, my memory is fuzzy because of general outrage, so bare with me here. If you call yourself Glacier, you should pretend to be a real glacier! That means, maybe it takes you forever to get to the ring and the ref counts you out before the match even begins. The options would have been limitless, but you blew it. Say hello to the not list.
Sunday Night Heat. With a name like that, you would expect super sizzling spectacular non-stop simulated, totally real action. That has sadly not been the case over these past few months. Any show that calls itself “Heat,” but features such wrestlers as never-will-be-over-with-that-gimmick Rico and never-was-over Val Venis, and such “action” as John Heidenreich nearly killing Stevie Richards, well all that amounts to a coveted spot on the not list, if I do say so myself. Which I do. This is my column after all. And now it’s over.
Dusty Giebink is America’s least known Internet Wrestling Community member, and now holds the distinction of being
GumGod.com's least known and most obscure columnist. Stayed tuned, as over the coming weeks and months, Dusty plans on taking in depth looks at metrosexual wrestling personalities and perhaps conduct exclusive interviews with members of the Internet Wrestling Community. He would personally like to thank Harry Simon for his tireless work in helping the mentally handicapped achieve their dreams.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.