The Inside Dig #2

 

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The Inside Dig 

By Dusty Giebink

Hello everyone, and welcome to another edition of The Inside Dig. You know, 2003 was definitely the year of the metrosexual. Everywhere I went, I got bombarded with general metrosexual-ness. ďDusty, did you see so-and-so?Ē ďSo-and-so is so metrosexual!Ē ďOn a scale of one-to-ten, how would you rate this personís metrosexuality?Ē I swear, metrosexual was on the tips of everybodyís tongues this past year, and for good reason: people with limited vocabularies learned a new word, thus causing them to drive it into the ground!

But seriously, metrosexuality was all around us this past year. With these being the first few days of the year 2004, I am sure one can get overloaded with the plethora of Year End Awards stuff that seemingly everyone is doing. Well, my good people, rest assured that this is the definitive year-end list. With metrosexuals being all the rage this past year, what better way to honor this than to compile a top ten list, honoring the very best of the best of the metrosexuals of the past year? Donít answer that, just let me guide you along the way.

This particular website (http://abcnews.go.com/sections/GMA/Living/GMA030805Metrosexuals_quiz.html) has a phenomenal (and short) seven question quiz to help the lost souls among us determine whether we are in fact metrosexuals or not. According to the website, ďmetrosexual is sort of a catch-all phrase for straight, urban men who like embracing activities usually associated with women - like shopping, pedicures and buying shoes - lots of shoes.Ē But more than that, metrosexuality is a state of mind, something that canít be explained, but only felt. Itís a way of life.

With this extremely long introduction, uh, running long, I will get down to business. What follows is a top ten list of metrosexuals in the world of professional wrestling for the past year. In addition to listing what they did right to earn themselves a place on the list in the first place, I have also included a section talking about what they need to do in 2004 to either continue their metrosexual success, or else to further their status if there are any flaws in the system. Away we go!

(10) Al Snow. Now, I must say I am very disappointed in Al Snow, actually. Going into the last few months of the year, he was one of the leading contenders for the number spot on this list. Then, he had to go and screw up such a good thing. The problem lies in a very visible (on a visceral level) area. What Iím trying to say is, Al, you know I love you man, but what did you do to your hair?! Honestly Al, the skunk went out never, because it was never in in the first place! Other than the hair, Al is the perfect combination of metrosexuality. He has a soothing, easy listening voice. His facial expressions are top notch. And who doesnít love it when he rolls his beautiful blue eyes at Mick Foley? I know I sure do. He is the one on this list with the most potential to move up the ladder in the coming year.

What needs to be done in 2004? This one is easy. Listen here, Pepe LePew, or whoever you think you are, get rid of that awful haircut. If you already have, I apologize. But, unfortunately, if you already have, it was too late for righting the wrong to warrant placing you any higher on this list. Get rid of the skunk look, never speak of the skunk look again, and never think about the skunk look for the rest of your life. Your long, flowing has so much potential, and itís just a shame you had to ruin it like that, even for only a little while.

(9) Bill DeMott. This was a good year for WWE B-team announcers, and this is only half of the four B-teamers total that made this list! Bill DeMott is a very intriguing person. He was a bit of a late bloomer on this list, having only a few months ago replaced that horrible Ernest ďThe CatĒ Miller on commentary on everyoneís favorite wrestling show, Velocity. DeMott gives viewers a unique blend of a frosted dye job hairdo, along with the ability to actually know what he is talking about on commentary, a welcome change of pace from The Cat. I do have to say, however, his voice is a little rough, and he does seem a bit too harsh at times. I especially do not his questioning of Nidiaís blindness. I mean, if the WWE tells us that Nidia is still blind, but not blinded forever, because gosh darn it, sheís eventually going to get better and regain her eyesight, then letís throw logic to the wind and believe that! But no. DeMott has to be Mr. Questioning, wondering if Nidia was faking her blindness. Then he had to turn into Mr. Angry, saying that he doesnít blame Noble for using his girlfriendís ďsupposedĒ blindness as a means to obtain victories in the ring. However, the positives outweigh the negatives for DeMott, and he earns himself one of the coveted spots on this list.

What needs to be done in 2004? As I said, some of DeMottís behavior over these past few months was very un-metrosexual. This is no laughing matter, Bill. You need to shape up and be more people-friendly in 2004, or youíll find yourself on a one-way trip off this list. We need more moments like the one on Tough Enough, where you chewed out Jonas for not getting it, and then shared a beer with him. Itís that kind of metrosexuality that would set any man, uh, straight!

(8) Kurt Angle. A debilitating neck injury kept Angle out of action for an exorbitant amount of time this past year. Hereís hoping that 2004 is a happy and healthy year for everyoneís favorite superhero. More importantly, however, hereís hoping continued success in climbing the ladder of metrosexuality! Kurt is a humble man at heart, and would never admit to his metrosexualness. In fact, he would shy away from the mention of lists such as this one. But thatís really what makes him so great. Metrosexuality isnít something to be flaunted, willy-nilly through the streets. Itís an attitude, itís a way of life, itís that certain something that you know when you see it. If Kurt Angleís boyish grin, his little twirl when he enters the ring, and that red, white and blue singlet donít scream it, well then I donít know what does.

What needs to be done in 2004? What Kurt Angle needs more than anything else is a full-year of being healthy. The more exposure he receives on television, it can only help his stature on this list. 52 full weeks of Kurt Angle being on my television is not a bad thing, itís a good thing, boys and girls. And hereís hoping that, even though modesty is a highly respectable attribute of metrosexuality, that Angle can better admit to just how irresistible he really is.

(7) Pat McNeill. Okay, I know I said this list included people from the world of professional wrestling, but so help me, I consider the Internet Wrestling Community to be just as respectable a commodity. I mean, the only thing better than long haired, oiled up, grown men in their underwear pretending to hit each other is overweight people with bad hygiene and poor eyesight who write about long haired, oiled up, grown men in their underwear pretending to hit each other. With that said, the cream of the crop in the Internet wrestling writing world is none other than Mr. Pat McNeill. This was questionable for many months. However, the moment his picture that goes along with his PWTorch.com articles changed to the current beauty, he immediately climbed his way up the ladder on this list. Like I said in my first column, seeing that picture makes me want to pour lotion all over Patís back and massage it under the glaring Mediterranean sun. And I meant that, believe me.

What needs to be done in 2004? I am an optimist by my very nature. I have to believe that at some point in 2004, Patís picture will once again change at some point. And when that change happens, it can only prove to raise Patís metrosexual stature. Like a fine wine, this writer only gets better with time.

(6) Randy Orton. This man reeks of metrosexuality, and he knows it. Whether heís killing legends in the ring, like that unsightly Mick Foley (t-shirts and jogging pants, Mick? Oh, I donít think so!), or talking about himself in interviews and on commentary, this man has it all. I just love the way he complained on commentary during a recent episode of Raw about not having a mirror to be able to look at himself with. Perhaps he should start wearing shiny leather pants, so he can look at himself in his pants while he walks to the ring. I would be his manager, so I be right there to see myself in his pants as well.

What needs to be done in 2004? The man rated number two on this list casts a heavy shadow for Randy Orton, and threatens to limit his upward metrosexuality mobility. Perhaps a face turn by number two (no peeking now, you sillies!) would allow Orton to better stake his claim for the rights to this particular throne. Until then, heís stuck in the bottom five, and not the upper tier. Thereís nowhere for him to go but higher and higher, however.

(5) Jonathan Coachman. If it can be said that Kurt Angleís humble, unassuming attitude is part of what makes him so metrosexual, then the opposite can be said for Coach. He is metrosexual, and he is not afraid to let you know about it. Itís that cocky attitude that helps propel him in the minds and hearts of wrestling fans the world over on this list. That, combined with his cocky, I know Iím better than you grin, and his Kangol hat make him a no-brainer on this list. His addition marks the second of the two Heat announcers to be included herein. As I alluded to earlier, this was a very metrosexual year for B-team announcers. And people wonder why I like those shows better than those so-called A-shows! Check your attitudes at the doors, oh unenlightened, non-metrosexuals.

What needs to be done in 2004? Coach served as a temporary fill-in for Jim Ross as the play-by-play announcer on Raw while Ross was unable to fulfill those duties. Then, when Ross returned, Coach was ever-so-rudely cast aside. And they wonder what made Coach exhibit his less than stellar attitude! Hereís hoping the WWE brain trust see the light and put Coach and Snow on Raw, demoting the never-gonna-be-metrosexual duo of Ross and Jerry Lawler to Heat. Ratings, among other things, would go through the roof!

(4) La Resistance. This team is greater as a whole than the sum of their parts. Rene Dupree can dance. Oh, can he dance. Rob Conway has the tights that donít quite fit, along with that little salute he always does. Add these elements together, and you get the number four entity of metrosexuality in the wrestling world.

What needs to be done in 2004? Injuries and inexperience have plagued the third member of this unpopular, yet still metrosexual group, Sylvan Grenier. If Grenier can return better than ever in 2004, it will mean three times the fun for the viewing audience, at the same price! I am a bit of a bargain hunter, let me tell you, and thatís something that you just canít go wrong with.

(3) Rico. Now, I will fully admit that some people might be turned off by Rico. Rico is not a Rico For The Masses. Having said that, he is a 100%, Grade A Rico For Me. He has won me over with his sheer individualism. He is who he is, and heís not ashamed of it. Rico, let your freak flag fly, my friend! Iím behind you all the way. Right behind you. Whether it be his colorful outfits, which are made even better by having Jackieís outfits match, or his colorful make-up, or his rather colorful array of in-ring maneuvers, Rico has the total package. Step aside, Lex Luger, Iíve never seen you wear a rainbow-colored singlet!

What needs to be done in 2004? Hereís hoping the brain trust of WWE buy a clue and give Rico a gigantic, Iím talkiní huge, push in 2004. I am tired of his inconsistent appearances on Heat. He needs to be made a full-time fixture on Raw, eventually feuding with the individual that is number two on this list. That feud would cause me to explode in joy, let me tell you.

(2) Triple H. Like I said in my previous column, the man is once again the Raw Brandís World Heavyweight Championship. He is married to WWE owner Vince McMahonís smart as a whip daughter, Stephanie. And, he has beautiful, gorgeous, long, flowing frizzy hair. One can go far in the wrestling business with beautiful, gorgeous, long, flowing frizzy hair. For these reasons, along with the fact that he controls the bees, and possibly, all of our souls, he rates number two on this list.

What needs to be done in 2004? Hereís to another year of complete and total domination for Triple H. The more he shoves himself down my throat, the more I am intent on swallowing. He is already off to a stellar start in 2004, as anyone that saw the season opening episode of Confidential can attest to. Dropping $650,000 for a Ferrari wasnít a thang for Trips. Good for him!

(1) Josh Matthews. Josh Matthews is the very definition of metrosexual. All five of you out there that have ever watched Velocity at some point over the last year can vouch for that particular truthitude. Josh Matthews has every single aspect of all the aforementioned individuals on this list (well, except Triple Hís wife, but no one is truly perfect!). He has the frosted hair dye job. He has the boyish good looks. Heís a hell of a dancer. (Youíll have to trust me on that one, as heís never had the opportunity to demonstrate this on-camera.) And, heís extremely young. Simply put, he is the present and the future of metrosexuality. It gets no better than this!

What can be done in 2004? Why would you mess with a winning formula. If it ainít broke, donít fix it, I always say. I just like saying ďainítĒ I feel so naughty, because itís not really supposed to be a word, but then a lot of people kept saying it, and so they made it a word anyway. Itís so wrong, itís just right! But, anyway, Josh Matthews need only stay the course to continue his success into 2004. The future looks bright ahead!

Dusty Giebink is Americaís least known Internet Wrestling Community member, and now holds the distinction of being GumGod.comís least known and most obscure columnist. He apologizes to anyone that didnít make this list, as competition was stiff and he couldnít possibly cram all the delicious, deserving metrosexuals uh, onto this list! Yeah, thatís it.

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.