The Inside Dig
By Dusty Giebink
Greetings, my loyal readers. Where last we left off, I was taking a fond look back at the year that was, with specific emphasis on those metrosexuals that so warmed our hearts. And, while there will always be room for more talk about the worldís best looking human microphone stand, Josh Matthews, I have an even weightier issue to examine this time around. That being, the upcoming election for President of the United States of America.
If you are anything like me, you did anything else but watch President Bushís State of the Union Address. Iím sorry, but the thought of watching old, balding white guys in stuffy suits ďspontaneouslyĒ clapping at every fifth word the President says, doesnít exactly send my heart raciní. Now, if we were talking wrestling B-team announcers wearing tuxedo shirts, following me around, and clapping for every great thing I do during the course of the day, well thatís another story altogether.
But, alas, I cannot write about that this time. I need to get down to the business at hand, which is helping to guide you along this wild and
wacky race and help you determine exactly who to vote for. But first, I need to address exactly why the State of the Union address was so important. Simply put, it wasnít important at all.
Unless you are a wrestling fan, that is.
See, what I found out the next day was that olí Georgie actually said something important during his five hour speech. (Estimated time of actual speech: Fourteen minutes.) The Prez came out against steroid use. For a wrestling fan, there couldnít be worse news.
See, wrestling fans thrive on the visual of muscled up, oily men with long, flowing hair pretending to beat each other up. What is a wrestling fan to do if the ďmuscled upĒ part of the equation is permanently taken away from them? I mean, thereís only so much air time to go around for those B-team announcers. Oops, did I digress again? Olí Dusty gets silly sometimes, thatís for sure!
But, the point Iím trying to make is, if Bush has come out against steroid use, this is no good for wrestling fans. Wrestling fans should demand their superstars to be as water logged and immobile as possible. It might even be in the Constitution or something. I havenít read that yet. Iím waiting for the movie.
There are a plethora of third party candidates out there to choose from, if you wish. To which I say, go right ahead! If you want to vote for some guy thatís going to end up with 24 total votes and finish in last place, well thatís your prerogative. The rest of us know that the only legitimate opposition to Bush would be a Democrat.
For those of you that cringed at that last sentence, I feel your pain. This is the party that outright admits they are going to raise your taxes. American people are not stupid; they understand that every single president will eventually raise your taxes. But where they draw the line is, they donít want it outright spoken to them. Not in public. Not in the privacy of their own homes. And, for wrestling fans, not even in the confines of a steel cage. Nowhere.
Sadly, though, that is what we are left with. Surely one of them is a good enough candidate for a wrestling fan to vote for. Surely one of them is okay with steroid use in our fine sport, the greatest of them all. And while most of us count down the days until Josh Matthews (oh shucks, thereís that name again!) is old enough to run, letís take a delightful little stroll down Democrat Lane. What follows is a thorough examination of every Democratic Presidential candidate, from the perspective of a wrestling fan:
Al Sharpton: Letís get this one out of the way immediately. Al cuts a mean promo, with spirit and gusto, whatever that word means. But, sadly, he has absolutely no chance of getting the Democratic nomination. If us wrestling fans are serious about getting Bush out of office, and keeping steroids in our life, we need to focus on a serious contender.
So, Alís out.
Dennis Kucinich: Who? Exactly. Iím sorry, Dennis, but your candidacy hasnít exactly taken off like you hoped it would. I mean, itís kind of like The Dukes of Hazzard trying to pass off Coy and Vance as ďthe real deal.Ē It just doesnít sit right with me. No, I donít mean the thought of cowboys with their shirts buttoned up halfway so you can see their chests. I mean, your candidacy. Itís not working for me.
So, Dennis is out.
Joe Lieberman: The best I can come up with Joe as a comparison is a slimmed down, less exciting Jabba the Hut. So slow. So boring. Not to mention, thereís that whole ďprotecting children from dangerous programmingĒ thing he pulled out of his playbook in 2000. It didnít work then, and it wonít work now. Wrestling fans deserve, nay, demand the right to be desensitized by violent, inappropriate programming. Lieberman would take that away from us. Hereís a news tip for you, Joe: Wrestling fans are more powerful than you think. You will never take away our God-given right to watch useless crap on TV. We shall overcome!
So, Joeís out.
John Edwards: If wrestling fans know anything, it is that Southerners just donít have it. Look at Good Olí J.R., Jim Ross. Sure, heís the best wrestling announcer that ever lived. Big deal. What have you done for me lately, huh? Southerners are only good when they stifle their accents and act like normal human beings (more on this in a moment). Edwards, meanwhile, flaunts his, well, his sheer Southern-ness. Heís actually proud of it.
Well, Boomer Sooner John Edwards! Being a Southerner, Iím sure is good enough for you. But, if Vince McMahon has taught us wrestling fans anything over the years, itís that being a Southerner, and being proud of it, is not at all good enough for us. And thatís what this is all about, after all. We need to look out for our best interests. John can keep trying to justify the Confederate flag.
So, Edwards is out.
John Kerry: As if it wasnít confusing enough with two Johns in the race! Any self-respecting wrestling fan knows what happens when two people share the same first name: one of them changes it. It doesnít matter which one, although precedence usually tends to fall with whoever came first. Well, news flash for all you out there: I donít care who came first! Kerry looks like a horse, with his long, drawn out face and his slow speech pattern is enough to put you to sleep. Edwards is Southern and proud of it, like J.R. (And you know what happened to Good Olí J.R.: He became a card carrying member of the Vince McMahon Kiss My Backside Club. How Iíve dreamed of someday earning that honor myself, but thatís a column for another time.)
In any event, in similar vein to Lance Cade becoming Garrison Cade to better accommodate Lance Stormís first
named ness, one of these guys should have become ďTomĒ or something. Tom Kerry? I still wouldnít vote for Old Horse Face.
So Kerry is out.
Howard Dean: Howard cuts a mean promo. And, heís a sore loser. After finishing third in the Iowa caucus, he downplayed the significance of the low finish and steadfastly maintained that he was still going to win the candidacy and beat President Bush. This is some pretty admirable stuff for a wrestling fan.
The only problem is, doesnít he kind of remind you of the guy you would divorce because he beats you up? A big meanie that lets his mouth do the talking. Oftentimes he says the ďwrongĒ thing, which is to say, he says what he really means and not what he ďshouldĒ say, and then has to spend much time apologizing for his comments so you still vote for him. As any wrestling fan knows, this is wonderful and it makes Dean a strong candidate.
So, why shouldnít we vote for him? Thatís easy. Heís too short. Heíll never break the glass ceiling and become a main eventer. Heís only good as an upper midcarder, and in order to beat Bush, we frankly need someone thatís going to be taller than Howie.
So Dean is out.
Which leaves us with . . .
Wesley Clark: Thatís right, Wesley Clark. Clark is just the right man to win the Democratic candidacy and get Bush out of the White House. Clark has been in the race the shortest amount of time, and as such, he hasnít been able to forge the strongest platform yet. This is perfect for us wrestling fans. Because heís more worried about fine tuning his stance on, say, education, heís more likely than anyone to let a little thing like steroid use among wrestlers slip through the cracks.
Plus, he was an Army General and a decorated war hero. Vince has taught us many important lessons over the years, but one of the most vivid lessons has been that itís important to support our troops as they march into foreign countries they have no business being in and blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up and shooting big guns are very important to wrestling fans.
Plus, heís Southern, but heís trying to distance himself from it. Look at it this way: Shawn Michaels is Southern, but you wouldnít know it by looking at him or listening to him speak. Jim Ross, you know heís a Southerner. The difference? Shawn Michaels is a multiple time world champion. Jim Ross was a referee for awhile. Wesley Clark is a champion, in other words. A champion in the hearts of all us wrestling fans, that is.
See, everything is so simple when you break it down scientifically. Wrestling fans need a President that is going to allow for business as usual in the wrestling ring. And they want a pro-war guy that is going to blow stuff up and shoot big guns. (The kind of gun that, say, Josh Matthews can shoot at a momentís notice, but again I digress! Dusty can be so silly sometimes. . .)
In any event, I hope you have enjoyed this little trip down Democrat Lane. I encourage you to rock the vote, Wesley Clark-style! Until next time, all the best.
Dusty Giebink is Americaís least known Internet Wrestling Community member, and also proudly wears the banner of being
GumGod.comís least known and most obscure columnist, as well. He wishes all wrestling fans would come together as one, and tell A-Train to put a darned shirt on already.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.