The Inside Dig #5

 

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The Inside Dig 

By Dusty Giebink

Welcome to ID #5! It is here that I will share all the secrets of filling out a proper NCAA Tournament bracket. Oh, I know that we are well into the tournament already, knocking down to the Sixteen of Sheer Sweetness. However, because it can generally be assumed that I am smarter than you, I am going to tell you who is going to win the whole thing.

The first thing to know is that it can rightfully be assumed that no team ranked lower than a number six seed is going to win. Oh sure, I know a whole bunch of you are chomping at the bit here, waiting to tell me about Cinderella teams from years’ past that beat the odds with a lower than six seed to win it all. And some of you are waiting to tell me about this year’s underdog team that you just know has the ability to take it all.

I don’t want to hear about it.

No, we’re throwing logic like that out the window. Sure, some upsets are bound to happen. It only serves to weed out some of the less desirable “favorites.” Teams that are lucky to win one game cannot be considered legitimate contenders to win the entire tournament. Throwing caution to the wind, I can optimistically say that a favorite is going to win this year.

With exceptions, of course. Just like I successfully picked who was going to get the Democratic nomination for President (I said John Kerry all along! Shut up!), I can accurately tell you which team will win this year’s NCAA Tournament. Besides, I was only projecting who should get the Democratic nomination, for the good of keeping steroids in wrestling. Big difference.

Obviously, we can first eliminate from contention anyone seeded lower than six. I already said that. Weren’t you paying attention? So anyway, you heathens, here is what we have left, separated by geographic regions for handy access, of course:

St. Louis Region: Kentucky, Gonzaga, Georgia Tech, Kansas, Providence and Boston College. As of this writing, Gonzaga and Providence have already been eliminated. That fact makes this process all the easier. I am going out on a branch here, but I think it can safely be assumed that they are not going to win the tournament this year. Perhaps next year, but I doubt that as well. Any team that doesn’t have the common decency to win this year should automatically be eliminated from next year’s contention as well.

In any event, that leaves us with Kentucky, Georgia Tech, Kansas and Boston College. Now, I’m going to say that two number one seeds make the Final Four. So, while I want to pick Kentucky here, I shall go back to this region in just a minute. Other regions prove easier to crack.

East Rutherford Region: St. Joseph’s, Oklahoma State, Pittsburgh, Wake Forest, Florida and Wisconsin. Florida was already defeated by Manhattan earlier in the tournament. I can safely say, as a Wisconsin native, that they have no chance of winning this tournament, either. I refuse to elaborate further. Pittsburgh is a city of losing sports teams: the Pirates and the perpetually underachieving, never quite good enough Steelers. Following along those lines, Pittsburgh’s university team shall not win anything of any repute this year either. Maybe Mario Lemieux can sell this bad University when he sells the godforsaken Penguins.

Furthermore, can you place St. Joseph’s or Wake Forest on a map? Are those cities? States? Towns? Provinces? No, none of the above. Any team representing a place that doesn’t actually exist doesn’t deserve to be given the time of day, much less consideration in filling out a tournament bracket. Having even to read those names on the screen, much less type them, is causing me severe personal and emotional distress. They are eyesores, black marks on the permanent record of tournament bracket filling outdom.

This leaves Oklahoma State as the undeniable victor of the East Rutherford region. Pity that this school is located nowhere near East Rutherford. Unfortunate naming of the region aside, I am confident that Oklahoma State shall emerge into the Final Four of this year’s tournament. I will wait a second as you write this down on your bracket and try to think of ways to explain to your friends that you had them written there the entire time.

Done? Okay, let’s continue.

Atlanta Region: Duke, Mississippi State, Texas, Cincinnati, Illinois and North Carolina. North Carolina was just recently eliminated. Can you tell where Duke is by looking at the name? No, of course you cannot. Even though they are a number one seed, and favored by many to win the tournament, their unsightly, inappropriate team name is enough to immediately eliminate them from consideration. Cincinnati is in the same boat as Pittsburgh: they are guilty by town association. Home of the loveable underdog Bengals and the clinically mediocre Reds, Cincinnati is just not a town I can throw my support behind.

Same goes for Chicago. Once known as the home of the Bulls, six time NBA champions, they are now known merely for their oversized hot dogs. Chicago isn’t called the Windy City because of anything Mother Nature does, I can tell you that much. (Oh, old Dusty kids. Dusty kids. I can be so silly sometimes!)

Anyway, Chicago is the only notable city in Illinois. They host the Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs and White Sox. Any state that contains a team so jinxed as the Cubs doesn’t deserve consideration to win this year’s tournament. Illinois might be the Land of Lincoln, but I’ve never driven one of those cars, anyway. Truth be honest, they are an aero dynamical atrocity with poor gas mileage. If Illinois is proud of these type of automobiles, well then I say thank you, but no thank you, my friends. You are crossed off my list!

That leaves Texas or Mississippi State in this region. Now, if there’s one thing I do not approve of, it is the placement of the word “State” in a college’s name. To me, this is just an arrogant rubbing in the face of teams like St. Joseph’s, that aren’t fortunate enough to be an actually existent state themselves. Sure, I can knock teams like that, who obviously have no hope of winning this tournament, but it’s not cool when other teams do it.

It spites me even more when they tack “State” onto something that isn’t even a state. For example: Murray State, who lost to Illinois in the first round of this year’s tourney. This is the worst of both worlds. Where is Murray on the map, eh? Nowhere! They are not a state at all. Worst of all, they claim they are by staple gunning State to the back of their already nonexistent “state name.” This infuriates me!

But, I digress. What I wanted to say is that Texas shall advance in this region. As you write that down, I smile gleefully at the screen, content in the fact that I know more than you, and that I also have the privilege of sipping on an iced tea while you probably do not have that luxury. It is good to be me, I know this. But I digress again!

Phoenix Region: Stanford, Connecticut, North Carolina State, Maryland, Syracuse, Vanderbilt. Maryland was recently eliminated. Stanford, Syracuse and Vanderbilt are immediately tossed out of consideration due to “locate them on a map” rule. With that in mind, allow me to do a bit of. . .

Revisiting the St. Louis Region: Now, because I have eliminated the three other number one seeds, and because it can safely be assumed that at least one of them is going to be the Final Four, I am going to immediately grant immunity to Kentucky. Write that down. As you’re doing that, I will. . .

Return to the Phoenix Region: Okay, where was I? All this rocking back and forth is making ol’ Dusty dizzy! Ah, I see now. We are left with Connecticut and North Carolina State. Applying the aforementioned “State rule,” I can toss NC State off the list as well. This leaves Connecticut. As usual, I will allow for you to write this down. My column isn’t going anywhere, so I can wait here.

Done? Okay good! This leaves us with our Final Four: Kentucky vs. Oklahoma State, and Texas vs. Connecticut. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Dusty, you just said that any team with “State” in the name doesn’t deserve to even be considered for winning the tournament. How can I have Oklahoma State in the Final Four? Well, my friends, you’re missing one key point: Oklahoma is the home of the world’s greatest rock and roll band, The Flaming Lips. Any state that spawns such a bountiful majesty of ear candy such as what the Flaming Lips produce deserves to be excepted from certain rules, I believe. If you dissent, may hardships strike you and your village!

But I digress again.

Moving back to the tournament, I suppose this is where reality shall set in for Oklahoma State. Their “State” will catch up to them here, and they will be no match for Kentucky. Besides, as the sole number one seed in my Final Four, they deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt, I do believe.

On the other hand, we have Texas vs. Connecticut. Now, Stamford, Connecticut plays host to World Wrestling Entertainment headquarters. However, Texas is the home to current President George W. Bush. Therefore, both teams come from winning, successful geographic areas. It’s the perfect rivalry. Steroids vs. the desire to eliminate steroids from professional sports. Good vs. Evil. David vs. Goliath. Coke vs. Pepsi. Josh Matthews vs. that cute guy that works the counter of my local Sbarro’s. (Oh, I digress again!)

Obviously, evil always overcomes the power of good in these instances. Steroids supporters rejoice and come together as one to support Connecticut over Texas. This is clearly the “real” championship game, as it is only elementary that the winner of this epic shall go on to steamroll poor, overconfident Kentucky.

Therefore: Connecticut bests Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament Finals, proving that wrestling and steroid supporters worldwide can rest easy for one more year. Besides, what is there to do in Kentucky? Look at blue grass and listen to country music? That does not a championship college basketball team make.

There, I have successfully tied wrestling, the use of steroids, the presidential election and sports into one column. I need a nap!

Dusty Giebink is America’s least known Internet Wrestling Community member, and also proudly wears the banner of being GumGod.com's least known and most obscure columnist, as well. He wishes to spread the good word of metrosexuality wherever he possibly can, to however many people he possibly can.

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.