The Inside Dig #7


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The Inside Dig 

By Dusty Giebink

Hello everyone. I am back once again, after an extended break. Be assured, though, that I was not just resting on my laurels during my time off. I will get to what I like to do in my free time in just a moment. First, though, I would like to announce that I am going to be offering up columns for this fine website on a somewhat regular basis from now on, hopefully weekly, but you just never know when the pursuit for a cure for AIDS will come to fruition, and my time will be occupied with that instead of this.

It has come to my attention that Massachusetts is now allowing for gay marriages. To which I say, good for Massachusetts! Really, Iíve always felt that this issue should best be left for each individual state to decide on its own. That is, we should go from state to state and shoot the decision makers that allow for gay marriage, and then go on to the next state. The big question would be whether to start alphabetically (with Alabama) or by the ones with the most amount of homosexuals in them (toss up between California and Rhode Island.)

Dusty kids, Dusty kids! Seriously, though, I know that a lot of religious people are up in arms about this. For this, I cannot blame them. Simply put, for many religious people, gay marriages are not kosher. For many Jewish people, pork is not kosher. For many wrestling fans, Vince Russoís booking isnít kosher. For many gay people getting married, they do not care what is kosher. They will have found this entire paragraph useless. You and I know better, though.

In the interest of fairness, I will attempt to display this issue for you from both sides of the fence. First of all, there is the tree hugging hippy side. This side would like you to believe that gay people deserve equal rights, and should be treated just the same as straight people. Please note that these are also the people that agree in basic principle with raising taxes so the government can pay for useless stuff like museums and making the environment better. What some people call the rape of the natural world I call PROGRESS~!

On the other side of the spectrum, we have the stark conservatives. These are the people that think the very idea of gay marriages is despicable. Indeed, upon the mention of that very term, they go running into their Cold War underground shelter and refuse to come out of it until you leave their premises. Keep in mind that these are the same people that want to lower your taxes, allowing for you to have more money to spend on useless stuff like electronics and videogames, not to mention food. The number one leading cause of obesity in the world is conservatives that want to lower your taxes.

Of course, both sides are in the wrong on this one. Thatís why I am here. To show the way. One popular argument against gay marriages is that you never know where itís going to stop once this point is conceded. Whatís next? you might exclaim. Are people going to be allowed to marry their daughters? Their sons? Their sheep?! While that last one might be particularly enticing to some, I donít think this is a good idea at all. I mean, whatís the difference between sheep and goats? Or, goats and small cows? Why exclude some, at the risk of offending specific animal lovers? The last thing this powder keg needs is those PeTA activists getting involved. Imagine how many tears would be brought once one of those kooks through some red paint on a wedding dressÖ

I, myself, am a huge animal lover. That is, I help feed homeless animals. What did you think I was going to say? I also work at a soup kitchen in my spare time, along with working towards developing the worldís first combination nuclear bomb/car. The idea behind this is that when you are driving somewhere, and you get an extra big dose of road rage, you can hit a button on your car, and the car will immediately split into two different cars. One will house you safely, and allow you to continue driving on to your destination. The other will act as a nuclear bomb, meant only to destroy the offending car that caused your road rage in the first place.

This is a work in progress, and I will certainly keep you updated as more progress develops. But this column isnít about innovations and the fact that Iím better than you. Itís about gay marriages. So, back to that topic.

Where was I? Oh yes, I was attempting to give you all a fair and balanced, straight down the middle, Fox News style look at gay marriages. Some say that if you give people an inch (gay marriages), they will take the mile (man-sheep marriages). This is ignoring the fact that sheep love is one of the purest forms of love there is. It is also ignoring the fact that other people may disagree with this statement.

This argument says that that argument is ridiculous, and all they want is for gay marriages, and then they will happily stop at that. Iím not so sure about this. I once worked as a cashier at a grocery store, and I saw all kinds of strange happenings during that time. One man always got two orange juices. You think he would be happy with one container of orange juice. That would likely be a reasonable amount of juice to quench your thirst on any given week.

But this man couldnít stop at one. He got greedy. He needed two juices. This man couldnít stop at one, the argument would go, so he needed more and more juice until he satisfied his ever-growing thirst buds. Who says these hippy liberals are going to stop at gay marriage? How, besides the aforementioned state-by-state executions, can we ensure this will stop?

Frankly, Iím not sure how to answer that. I do know that if I were in charge, I most likely have to favor whichever side was going to line my pockets the most. Of course, this is pretty much how it goes in the world of politics. Neither side is right on anything anymore. Neither side is ďclean.Ē That is, they all like playing dirty pool. I am not like this at all. I would much rather play my clean, wholesome home edition of Pocket Billiards. That is a handheld electronic game, what did you think it was?

Itís getting so that you canít trust anyone anymore. Luckily for us, there will always be Pat McNeill, that bedrock of consistency and stability that you can lean on for comfort and guidance. Unfortunately, he has not gone public just yet with his stance on this issue. So, in the meantime, mine is the only word you should listen to on this matter. I suppose that means I should take sides or something like that.

But, Iím not going to. Since this issue doesnít affect me whatsoever, I canít be bothered to make a definitive statement on it one way or the other. . . Just kidding! Olí Dusty likes to kid you. You shouldnít take everything so seriously. I see you out there, boo boo facing. I believe that there should not be gay marriages. Gay marriages offend the religious, and might go against what the Bible dictates.

However, to appease the hippies, I think a compromise can be reached: What you do with your sheep, in the privacy of your own home, is your business. The government should not take legislative action against that at all. Again, not that that affects me in any way whatsoever. I am just trying to be fair, here.

Dusty Giebink will now be offering up weekly columns for GumGod, such as the one you just read. However, the views expressed are Dusty's own and do not reflect the views of the ownership of Dusty can be chastised and verbally abused at


Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.