The Inside Dig
By Dusty Giebink
Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest installment of the Inside Dig! I’m Dusty Giebink, and usually, I am better than you.
Now, I say “usually” in this instance because, I will humbly concede, I have been proven wrong on more than one occasion on this very website. There was the time I said Wesley Clark should win the Democratic Presidential nomination. There was the time I said that WWE’s “Hottest Matches” videotape was actually “hot.” (It measured out to room temperature, actually). And, there was the time I said that I would like to rub lotion all over Pat McNeill’s back in the scorching Mediterranean sun. Only that last proved true, and oh how true it is!
In any event, consider this column a humble attempt on my part to tie up some loose ends. Obviously, Wesley Clark didn’t win the Democratic nomination. It is assumed that John Kerry has that honor all but locked up at this point. Now, I think it can be safely stated that Vince McMahon holds a lot of power in this upcoming presidential election. He can sway a million or so undecided voting wresting fans one way or the other. And, as we saw in Florida in 2000, an election can be decided by a matter of just a small handful of loyal, borderline Nazi Pat Buchanan supporters and/or 100 year old Medicare hopefuls who can’t read period, let alone understand a ballot, voting for three or four different people at a time because, hey, they are nice people, and together, they might be able to do a better job than just one guy.
In any event, every vote matters. You’re going to be reminded of this ad naseum until the November election, and you certainly don’t need me to tell you that, but it’s true. I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true. (Every time I’ve been “proven” wrong, it’s just been a matter of how I was right at the time, and then others changed the rules to later make me wrong.) So, anyway, knowing that Vince McMahon holds this power in his hands, what should he do with it? Should he throw his support again behind George W. Bush and the Republican Machine? Should he take into consideration Bush’s
hard-line stance against steroids, which are vital to wrestling’s future, and support John Kerry? Should he send me some of those compromising pictures of him and Pat Patterson, just for posterity?
Well obviously that last one is a yes, but the other two are difficult to answer. I would say “no” to both of them. Neither man is very metrosexual, save for the cute way Bush mispronounces big words, and Kerry’s hair. If you could combine those two things, and add a love for Hawaiian button up shirts, you’d have the perfect candidate. Paging Bill DeMott~! But, alas, that one is not to be. (At least not this election.) So, with no glamorous alternative, I think it’s in Vince’s best interests to endorse Bush again. Warts and all, anti-steroid stance and all, he’s still probably the best choice Vince has.
Besides, Bush has probably already forgotten the anti steroid promise anyway. And, if he didn’t, Vince and the Major League Baseball’s player’s union could just line his pockets a little, slip him some dolla dolla bills, toss him a couple C-notes, give him another cowboy hat, promise to come see the cows back at this ranch, whatever he wants, in exchange for the endorsement. The real challenge comes for Vince in 2008.
It is in 2008 that former partner in crime with Vince, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, intends on running for President. Assuming that Bush wins re-election this year, thanks to Vince’s endorsement, the White House will be wide open in 2008. There would be no better time for ol’ Jesse to sneak his way into the White House. And he would have Vince’s support, and thus the support of millions of mindless, undecided voters that just so happen to watch wrestling. It’s already been proven that you don’t need the majority of the votes to win. You just have to win the important states, and stay close in the other states. If anybody knows the art of winning when you’re not supposed to, it would be a former heel wrestler and announcer.
Imagine the possibilities for Vince McMahon of a Jesse Ventura Presidency. To conclude what again looks like the world’s longest introduction to a relatively short column, that’s what I will be talking about here for the next few minutes. What follows is a small list of miracle concepts that Vince could get away with, without the government breathing down his neck. With Ventura in office, Vince could a number of “controversial” things without fear, including:
A gay marriage. That’s right, and I’m not just talking a fake, aborted one, like the Billy and Chuck fiasco. I’m talking a full blown, real deal gay marriage, taking place at a television show taped in Massachusetts. Find the two most flamingly gay wrestlers on the wrestler, say Rico and Sylvain Grenier (I know they are on separate brands, but trades can always be made in the meantime), and have them get married. No, I’m not talking about yet another marriage angle with a twist. Those are so passé, so ten minutes, so not metrosexual. It’s all about doing it for real now.
Think about it. It’s the next logical step, anyway. And, with Jesse Ventura in control of the country (I’m accepting this as a fact, due to Vince’s endorsement meaning so much and all), the coast would be clear for Vince to pull this off without any hitches or glitches or whatever other word that rhymes that means about the same thing in this context. Vince is all about staying on the cutting edge of what’s happening in the real world. If there is something happening that everyone is talking about, you can count on Vince McMahon to echo it on his wrestling programs. I mean, just to name one example, who doesn’t either know a
trash man, am a trash man, or has taken the trash out at least once in their life? Thus, the creation of the Duke “The Dumpster” Droese character. Cutting edge material, thy name is Vince McMahon.
In any event, I caught some flack for my last column, which talked about gay marriages. Know this: I’m all about freedom of choice, and I support gay marriages. If you want to do something, within reason and the preexisting laws, then you should be able to do it. If Vince wants to send me those pictures of him and Patterson, he should be able to do so. (Any day now~!) If Pat McNeill wants to write a column about how he failed the bar twice and now runs a crappy magazine (or was that JFK? I confuse the two very easily), then he should be able to do that as well. It’s only a matter of time before Vince takes advantage of existing Massachusetts laws and the Ventura Presidency to echo this aspect on his own television shows.
A suicide angle. Think about it. What better way of getting rid of a guy than having him commit suicide? (Only kidding.) Seriously, though, what better way to get ratings back to where they once were than to stage a suicide angle? Have a guy get frustrated about going on a big losing streak, and then have him pretend to kill himself. Controversial? Sure. Morally and ethically wrong? Absolutely! But that has never stopped Vince in the past. I mean, this is the guy that brought you necrophilia, hot lesbian action, kidding, and those unsightly, bad tasting ice cream bars. Clearly, this man has no regard for the limits of basic human decency.
So, after a given amount of time, during which said wrestler would be put in hiding for that extra special realistic touch, the guy would be brought back to make his triumphant return as the ultimate babyface, vying for the World Title. If you think this is extreme, you are correct. It’s completely outlandish, as if Josh Matthews would suddenly get a buzzcut, start wearing suits all the time, and stop being adorable. But, without government scrutiny with Ventura in his back pocket, it’s certainly possible. In Vince’s mind, it might be the perfect way to elevate a wrestler without, you know, actually building him up or protecting him in the booking or anything crazy like that. That’s too much like work, and who needs that?
Give Ventura the World Title. This one was obvious. You should have seen it coming a mile away. Consider that the President can take time off to go his ranch, uh, I mean do whatever else he needs to do anytime he needs to do it. Vince McMahon has proven time and again that he may have graduated from college, but his major wasn’t history. It may have been Cheating On Your Wife, Making Your Female Employee Bark Like A Dog, or Treat Everyone You Come In Contact With Like So Much Garbage, but it certainly wasn’t history. As such, Vince probably doesn’t even know about the whole David Arquette thing. I might feel dirty just typing his name, thinking about that God awful fashion faux pas excuse for an outfit he wore the day he turned heel, but Vince harbors no such emotions towards celebrity championship runs.
Don’t think for one minute that Vince wouldn’t give Ventura a run for the title as a sort of thank you for getting elected into the office and then turning a blind eye to things that Vince does, such as the things I’ve outlined above. Vince would think that because Ventura is a former wrestler, that he would be the celebrity most likely to be entrusted in the position. Apparently, Bruce Mitchell’s work on Jurassic Park doesn’t count?
Whatever the case, there are three examples of the virtually boundless possibilities that would be available to Vince McMahon in the event that Ventura wins the Presidency. Now, it’s just a matter of sitting through another four years of oppressive stagnation and one ice cube in your iced tea drink instead of two. Well, hey: There’s always the hope that Pat McNeill will change his picture that goes with his columns again sometime soon. I can’t hardly wait~!
Dusty Giebink writes Inside Dig columns on a more regular basis than he used to. He would like you all to understand that the part he wrote above, talking about how he admits to bring wrong in the past, was complete garbage. He would never admit that publicly, unless at gunpoint. Or, in exchange for a run at Jesse Ventura and the title.
Dusty can be chastised and verbally abused at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.