By Dusty Giebink
Well, hello, hello. We’re going to be once again dipping our toes into the shallow end, so to speak, with some of the latest news, courtesy of Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter. Let’s take a look at some of the news shaping your world these past couple weeks. . .
ITEM~! WWE sends several of their own to the Democratic National Convention. First of all, let me tell you this: You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Stacy Keibler talk about better paying jobs and health care for all Americans. Sometimes these jokes really write themselves, but I will say this. Maybe she’s worried about these things because the company she works for holds a virtual monopoly over the wrestling business right now, and doesn’t really provide that for her. Then again, she could also equally be worried about when that “My Little Pony” DVD box set is coming out, and I have to be perfectly honest with you people. I am too. Before Smarty Jones. Before Seabiscuit. Before that horse in The Horse Whisperer, there was “My Little Pony” and there is something to be said about that.
In my estimation, the most memorable thing about this whole deal (except for the balloons not falling, the massive amounts of sweat pouring down John Kerry’s face, and the fact that Kerry was speed reading through his speech in order to accommodate network television time constraints) is that WWE broke with their old holding pattern as a conservative based company. (I called it!) Longtime big spender for the Republican cause, Linda McMahon, was seen on WWE TV rubbing elbows with the liberal elite. Stacy was shown attempting to get someone to help her color within the lines.
And then there was Mick Foley. Foley was talking about, and one was actually inclined to believe he cared, how to get the youth to vote. Keep in mind that the average Raw viewer is slightly older than yours and my typical definition of youth. The important thing here is that WWE is at least trying to get more people to Smackdown their vote, if you will. This is the dawning, no not of that, but rather of a more socially aware World Wrestling Entertainment. In any event, Foley was quoted as saying that he believes these could be the people who make up the swing vote in this particular election. Ask Al Gore how important your vote is. (As a side note, it was a weird sight seeing Gore as a speaker and nothing else at this year’s convention. You have to believe that is anyone is due to go completely crazy at any point, it would have to be Gore. And how great would it be to have Paul Heyman introduce the former Vice President by screaming, ”Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!”?)
I should note that all of this will be negated when the A-list WWE stars are sent to the Republican National Convention later this month. You know who I am talking about. Kurt Angle. Triple H. Maven. But, for the time being, at least a token effort was made to reach out to “the other half” of America. And that’s a big first step towards becoming more socially conscious and whatever other cliché you would like to use. And who knows: Maybe for the next election, they can interview the WWE guys on MSNBC at some other time than 1:30 in the morning. Something tells me that not too many average Americans are awake at that time. Or, willing to stay up to see professional wrestlers talk about how to get more young people to vote.
Watching Stacy Keibler play bend down and pick up the crayons one at a time, on the other hand. . .
ITEM~! Sean O’Haire is not guilty. Not since Nailz has there been a pro wrestler more heinously accused of crimes that he did not commit. The deal is that O’Haire was arrested in Hilton Head Island, S.C. a few weeks ago at a nightclub, and was charged with two simple counts of assault and battery, and was accused of assaulting two women. O’Haire was quoted as saying that he was the real victim in this whole affair, and that he was a professional fighter, and would have put these people in the hospital if he had really wanted to assault them.
Now don’t get me wrong here. The headline attached to this part of the column is mine and mine alone. The Torch would never make a judgment on O’Haire’s guilt or innocence without all the facts in. However, I am more than ready to make a blind judgment on O’Haire. Simply put, the man is as innocent as the day is long. In fact, besides being the greatest, most charismatic and believable professional wrestler in the history of the universe, you can notch up “not guilty” on his fuselage as well.
Basically, this is just proof that the American injustice system does not work. How could you possibly believe that O’Haire is guilty of this? How can you make your mind twist in such a fashion? It would be like trying to shove a tennis racket through a keyhole. If brains were gasoline, the people that believe O’Haire is guilty of this wouldn’t be able to propel a motor scooter around a raindrop. Sean O’Haire is as innocent as a child watching a Disney film in slow motion, trying to spot all the hidden parts they tried to sneak into the movie without anybody noticing. (All good teenagers do what?!)
Basically, what this all boils down to is jealousy. I simply think that half the world is jealous of all of O’Haire’s many accomplishments. When you’ve lived a life like O’Haire has, you’re going to encounter that along every step. When you have the riches that O’Haire has, everyone is going to be looking for a handout. Main eventing a professional wrestling company for several years, like O’Haire did, earns you a lot of money. Though it is impossible to prove, some people say that O’Haire’s drawing power was right on part with Hulk Hogan in the ‘80s and Steve Austin in the late ‘90s. They used fuzzy math back then to exaggerate their earnings, and that’s the only reason why it might look, to the average observer, like those two earned much more than O’Haire.
As of right now, everything seems to be up in the air. Rest assured, if O’Haire is found guilty of this, it can be 100 percent attributed to the fact that the judge, the jury, the lawyers, and everyone else involved in the case was as jealous of O’Haire as his accusers. O’Haire could rip your heart out, and show it to you before you die. O’Haire could turn the lights out and be in bed before the room goes dark. O’Haire could drink an entire barrel of beer and be none the worse for wear. This is a man that once wrestled (and defeated) a beer, pulled a semi through an entire state, and climbed the highest mountain, all before lunch. There is only one conclusion I can make:
Not guilty, y’all gotta feel me. . .
ITEM~! H2Wrestling cancelled all shows and shut down operations last week before ever running a show. Turns out, the ending to “The Village” wasn’t the only thing this past week that made you want to throw your hands up in the air and exclaim, “What in the world is going on here?!” If a promotion shuts down before ever actually doing anything, did they ever really exist in the first place? If the promotion falls in the forest, with no one around to see it, did it ever really fall into a sound. . . er, did it ever really, um. . . ah hell, never mind. You get where I’m trying to go with this one.
This promotion’s face was supposed to be Teddy Hart. If Jeff Hardy weren’t still wrestling at all, I would call Hart the modern day Jeff Hardy. I’m going to call him that anyway, because I’m not very creative, and can’t think of anything else right now. I mean, planning on being escorted to the ring by a bunch of exotic cats has got to be the equivalent of showing up to the ring with your entire head painted Smurf blue. As times change, wrestlers’ eccentric behaviors need to change right along with them. Eventually, you’re going to be seeing a guy wrestle nude, with his entire body painted blue, without use of his legs, because he will have had surgery to put exotic cats on his feet, to lead him around literally everywhere he goes. Or something like that.
In any event, I would love to wax reminiscent about the promotion that was, but seeing as how they never actually did anything other than some press releases or whatever, it’s really hard to say anything about this. And that’s exactly why I’m writing about this right now. Promoter Court Bauer told the Torch recently that he has no other plans of launching a wrestling promotion and instead will be pursuing his options in Hollywood. First of all, I would hope he has no plans of launching a wrestling promotion, because really, who would agree to work for him anymore? Perhaps he could start up a promotion with wrestlers that don’t actually exist, putting on shows that never really happened, and then buying air time on television to show these non-events. It would be so insane, it would be borderline genius.
Or perhaps Bauer could pitch a television show to the Hollywood execs that take you behind the scenes of a non-existent wrestling promotion, as they struggle to do as little as possible to catch up to WWE in the ratings. Scene - Bauer: “I don’t understand it. I have done absolutely nothing, and we’re still nowhere near WWE in terms of ratings and merchandise. What’s going on here?!” Teddy Hart: “Maybe I should get another exotic cat?” I’d hate for ABC to have to cancel that wonderful show According to Jim, but I truly think we’d have a laugh riot on our hands.
Speaking of Jim Belushi, is there anything that man can’t do? He’s the Tom Hanks of our generation.
Hopefully this is the last time I ever have to write the words H2Wrestling or Court Bauer ever again. As for Hart, I’ve got my eye on him, not just because of his rambling internet messages about basically nothing, or his cats, or his unique fashion sense and metrosexual good looks. He’s a proven newsmaker, and where there’s news, there’s Dusty, ready to poke fun at it all.
Dusty Giebink writes columns for this fine website on a semi-regular basis, and he really enjoys playing “Duck Hunt” and “Excite Bike” for the original Nintendo system. He also enjoys reading those handy mini-bios on PWTorch.com of all the Lounge columnists, because it’s like you’re really talking to the people. Dusty can be chastised and verbally abused at email@example.com.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.