By Dusty Giebink
Awww, whatz up everybody?! Good to see you all again, and I humbly thank you for joining me on another trip down Inside Dig Boulevard and, uh, Dusty Is Always Right Lane or what have you. I have noticed recently that certain topics in the world of professional wrestling are simply out of hand for discussion on the Pro Wrestling Torch VIP Forum. These topics are much too out of hand to discuss on that message board, and I thought I would use this column space to bring to light some of these “Too Hot For The Torch” topics. Here we go:
Check out that annoying smirk,
that blatant non-metrosexual attire.
As if you need another reason to hate Shane
The topic of Shane McMahon is a particularly large no-no. You need to hate Shane McMahon, or risk the wrath of Fearless Leader. Forget, if you can, that casual fans don’t particularly know or care that Shane wears tennis shoes to the ring, and doesn’t wear traditional ring gear, and is the boss’ son and therefore given preferential treatment in the booking. We’re not supposed to like Shane, and so we can’t.
And I’m not really sure why. If it’s because he’s not a world class worker, then that shouldn’t matter, because it certainly doesn’t matter to the casual fan, and therefore has very little bearing on his ratings and drawing power. If it’s because he’s not as metrosexual and just plain attractive as Josh Matthews or Michael Cole, then you might be on to something, and I would have to humbly retract my statement.
And what’s up with that Heidenreich/Cole poetry hour thing, huh? If I want to see an articulate, muscular tattooed guy reading poetry, I’ll go to a Henry Rollins spoken word show. While Heidenreich is most definitely a big. . . strong. . . vascular. . . uh, where was I? Oh, yes. While Heidenreich might be one impressive looking individual, I think they could definitely utilize him better to help draw ratings.
I could definitely see him doing such things as being a potato farmer in Idaho one week, and then being a Los Angeles punk rocker the next. He could be an Arkansas pig farmer one week, and the next week be disguised as an empty seat at a Raw house show. The possibilities are absolutely endless. The fact that they have resigned themselves to having him be an anal raping poet, a gimmick that has been done to death over the past couple years, is a real sign of laziness on WWE’s part.
“A cheeseburger? Those, like, totally have more
calories in them than ice cubes, don’t they?!”
And please notice Torrie Wilson back then, and then watch
her on Smackdown next week and see how completely
different she looks. You’ll spit out your ice cube.
And what’s up with Stacy Keibler? She looks more than a little Mary Kate-ish. I’m not trying to point any fingers here, but it seems to me that she would fit in more behind people like Kate Moss and Esther Canadas on a runway than in the wrestling ring against Nidia or whoever. (And speaking of Nidia, holy geez, what the heck happened to her?!)
Not to mention, there’s Torrie Wilson over on Smackdown. Wilson looks like a completely different person than she did a mere couple weeks ago, the product of extensive plastic surgery and breast augmentation surgery, in my humble estimation. Also, I feel obliged to note that Wilson looks like she’s one missed cheeseburger away from being Mary Kate Keibler’s size. Again, not pointing any fingers here.
And what’s up with the WWE 24/7 television station that’s in the works? This one is seemingly such a taboo topic that not even WWE is talking about it. I mean, one would normally think that the reason they’re not talking about it on their already existent television shows is complete incompetence, but that is just not true. The fact of the matter is that it’s such a gripping, risqué topic that it simply cannot be talked about. I mean, children might be watching the show. How could they handle such mind blowing, mind bendingly awesome news? They couldn’t, plain and simple.
And what’s up with Carlito Caribbean Cool? I mean, this guy is so cool, he rocks my face off. I guess he’s not a huge topic of discussion for the Torch because no one that writes for the Torch, myself admittedly included, is nowhere near the same area code in coolness quotient as Carlito. This guy doesn’t have to win the WWE Title. He doesn’t even have to wrestle. The moment he wrestles, he’s two months away from being sent back to OVW anyway. He simply needs to keep doing those vignettes to keep his fire.
Next week, they could have him hit a hole in one blindfolded. The next week they could have him shoot paper airplanes in the classroom from the back of the room. The following week they could have him wear his sunglasses in the middle of the night, going to clubs or whatever they want him to do. Yeah, I have a lot of great ideas, and I appreciate having this column space to express all of them. Even if no one is reading these things, at least they exist and are available on the Internet, where everything posted is the God’s honest truth, of course.
Alright, guys, pop quiz time! The person above is: a) Doug
b) Danny Basham
b) Bert Basham
d) None of the above.
And what’s up with the Basham Brothers? I mean, honestly, I have no idea. Do they even exist anymore? I mean, I know that a couple people that bear a slight resemblance to what I vaguely remember to be the Bashams appeared on Smackdown a couple weeks ago to serve as lumberjacks in the Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero match, but my inside sources could not come through in time to confirm that it was in fact them. Seems like no one can quite remember what exactly they look like, which is a big problem for them.
Seems to me that if WWE got behind their tag team division in any kind of serious way, the Bashams could be utilized as a vital part of that division. Instead, they are lucky to appear on the dark match before the Velocity tapings most weeks. Again, this has nothing to do with WWE’s general incompetence, but rather has to do with what a taboo topic the Bashams are for discussion on the Torch message board.
And what about Shane McMahon? Glad you asked. He’s a snot nosed, silver spooned piece of crap that hogs up too much television time when he’s featured on the shows, refuses to lose even to top wrestlers like Kane and shows up in jogging pants and tennis shoes because he doesn’t care about the wrestling business. The only reason he’s in it is because his father owns the company. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Dusty Giebink writes about topics too strong for the Torch on this fine website on a semi-consistent basis out of the goodness of his heart. He feels very strongly about the fact that the key to turning business around for NWA TNA is hiring a dancing bear to replace Vince Russo and do the booking for the company.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.