The Inside Dig
By Dusty Giebink
One thing I’ve noticed recently is the overabundance of reality television shows. At any given time that you turn on your TV, you’re either going to be watching a reality show (until you turn the channel, of course) or else you’ll be bombarded with commercials for the upcoming reality show they plan on draining your IQ with later in the day. And I’m serious this time, too. I didn’t just want to say “bombarded.”
However, I think there is one glaring omission in the world of reality television, and his name is Hardcore Holly. Now, I know you might be thinking I’ve completely lost my mind. But, I mean, come on. I lost that years ago. I know some of you out there know what I really think of Holly. Simply put, I cannot stand him. But, more importantly than that, the guy is just fascinating. He truly deserves his own reality show.
I mean, look at the alternatives, first of all. It’s getting to be so ridiculous that eventually you’re going to see reality shows like “Crappy Jobs” where they show some guy serving people hamburgers at Burger King or whatever. And, what? You’re supposed to watch that and go, “Oh wow! That was so realistic!” We’re not going to be taken inside of the places that we really want to see. Like behind the White House doors, for example, so we can check out what’s really going on with these people that are running our country. Or trying to. I guess. You get the idea.
Imagine if we could have had an unlimited view into the White House during the Clinton Presidency? That would have been tremendous! Of course, it would have affected the silliness of the trial that came after the Monica Scandal (so important it deserves its own capital letters). Or imagine if we had access into the life of one Pat McNeill. America would watch with bated breath as our hero carefully crafted his next award winning song parody. The possibilities are endless. However, we never get to see the really good stuff.
Here is our chance. We need to throw a boat load of money at Holly to get him to agree to this. Hell, lie to him, for all I care. We just need to get him to sign the dotted line on that contract, so we can day and night access into the world of Hardcore Holly. The very thought is enough to put a smile on my face. I would be first in line at the florist to get those dozen congratulatory roses to send to Holly. I mean, it would be worth it just to see his reaction to being sent roses by another man.
This is where the fun starts. Picture Holly in his house. He’s working painstakingly hard to dye his hair just right, so that he doesn’t look like a 50 year old man. After completing that task, it’s off to the tanning booth, to get that tan just right so people don’t get the wrong idea and mistake him for just another pasty white sissy boy. After that, it’s off to the gym, where he works to stay big and strong. That’s the why Vince likes him, after all. His time of looking like a normal human being is just a bad distant memory now.
Which is another thing they could do with the show. Have Holly talk about his past. Watch him get extremely angry as the producers bring up the “Sparky Plugg” gimmick. Watch him throw chairs across the room as the producers ask him to describe his memories about his legendary feud at the time with Double J. Read him a passage from the Wrestling Tribune newsletter from 1994, where they talked about Holly’s history as a race car driver. They detailed the many times he had gotten disqualified from races for such things as running other cars off the track and things of that nature, and also about the time he started racing too early was thrown off the track by the guy who was overseeing the race. Ask him how he feels about those people holding him down, oppressing him and keeping him from reaching his full peak as a race car driver. Ask him how he thinks he would have fared had he had the chance to race against legends like Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt. The entertainment would never stop flowing.
And then, once that hour or so has been filmed, the producers can pretend like they just realized they mentioned a dreaded “dirt sheet.” They can ask Holly what his feelings are on insider newsletters, and the Pro Wrestling Torch and Wade Keller in particular. Watch as he rants about how these are killing the business, and what he would do to Keller because of that, if he ever got the chance.
There can also be the obligatory Visit From A Friend segments on the show. Watch as his old buddies Al Snow and Sid Justice stop by the house They can sit around and talk about how much better things were when they were younger and how the kids these days have no respect for the business and all that kind of stuff. Of course, this would include merry prankster Al messing with Holly and Holly getting upset and chasing Al around the room. And you could see Sid talking about starting his own softball team next spring, and wondering if Al and Holly are on board with him. (The look on Holly’s face should be worth the price of admission alone.)
And, of course, what reality show with Hardcore Holly would be complete without him detailing his position on rookies in the wrestling business. Watch as his head nearly explodes while he talks about how people like Matt Cappotelli and Rene Dupree (if the producers press him enough, he’s sure to name names). If he’s feeling particularly “naughty,” or had too much drink on a given night, you might even see him ordering 50 pizzas to JBL under Dupree’s name, as a way of exacting a measure of revenge against him, whatever in the world that means. (Ask Coach, he’s the one that said it that one time on Raw. He probably doesn’t know either, though, since he’s got McMahon yakking at him in his earpiece the entire time. But I digress.)
There are also the chances to see Holly calling his mother, choking back tears as he describes his frustration towards Vince for never giving him that main event push that he deserves. And see Holly at a restaurant, treating the waitress like crap and making her take back his order four times because it isn’t perfect, and then failing to give any tip on his way because of the restaurant’s “shoddy service.” See Holly at a four way stop sign, zooming past it as another car with the right of way is preparing to go after actually having waited his turn. And let’s not forget the customary shots of Holly sleeping, with big veins popping up on his forehead as he dreams of dishing out potato shots to unsuspecting youngsters in the ring.
As I said before, the stream of possibilities runs endless. In any event, I hope you can better see now why I am so interested in Hardcore Holly. The man is really fascinating when you think about it, and this proposed reality television show would help us get a better look at just what kind of a guy he actually is. The only thing that’s missing is a name for the show. Television executives like to give snazzy names to these shows to hook people into watching them. Not that they need it once people see what the episodes are going to be like, but the cool name would then just serve as an added bonus to the entire package. (I hesitated to say total package because of the connotations that might include for wrestling fans.) I’ll try to think one up for a later time.
And, anyway, if this show doesn’t work, they can switch at midseason to the Pat McNeill show. I smell ratings!!!
Dusty Giebink would like to thank loyal reader Rusty Brooks’ #1 Fan for helping to come up with the idea for this column. You can contact Dusty (or Dr. Gizzle, as he likes to be called, as an ode to his personal physician Dr. Keith Lipinski) at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have something to say.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.