The Inside Dig #13

 

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The Inside Dig 

By Dusty Giebink

WWE recently released no less than nineteen on-air personalities in their now annual house cleaning. This entire episode caused for much distress inside WWE locker rooms, as Vince McMahon informed the wrestlers during a meeting that many of them would no longer be with the company in short order, and then laid the hammer down. Wrestlers that have been with the promotion for many years were not exempt from this treatment.

While this is sad news, and no one deserves to lose their job due to circumstances they canít control, it could be argued that that should be only the first step toward WWE reviving their business to heretofore never seen heights. In fact, Iím going to make that argument right now: WWE needs to cut a lot more people.

The reason for this is simple. Only the main eventers draw money. Keep people like Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, Batista, and Hulk Hogan. Keep bringing in main eventers from days gone by like Mick Foley and the Rock. Bring back people like Brock Lesnar. Other than that, everyone on the roster should be considered expendable. The reason for this is simple: multi-tasking.

It is impossible to get along in todayís stressful work world without the ability to multi-task. Why should WWE be any different? Simply put, WWE can afford to employ a lot fewer wrestlers than they do now. The best example of what I am saying would be Mike Bucci. Mike can be seen every Thursday on Smackdown (okay, I tend to lie a little bit sometimes. I actually meant every Saturday night on Velocity, but what have you) portraying the Simon Dean character and the Nova-BWO character, seemingly on alternate weeks. Bucci is a prime example of what a model employee in the new look WWE I am proposing should be.

NO RATINGS FOR YOU!!!

There is no reason the wrestlers shouldnít be able to portray multiple characters. Take Hardcore Holly for example. By all accounts, he is one angry dude. When I think of angry, I think of the Soup Nazi from that old Seinfeld episode. He cared very deeply about his craft, and got very angry whenever somebody misunderstood what he was trying to do. Sounds a lot like Holly to me. What Iím trying to say is, I think it would be perfect for Holly to play a Soup Nazi character on Smackdowns. In addition, he could continue to do the Hardcore gimmick, and possibly revive the old Sparky Plugg race car gimmick as well. A typical edition of the new ideal Smackdown could feature three segments with Holly portraying different characters. If that doesnít scream ratingsÖ

Then thereís plenty more where that came from! How many different gimmicks did Billy Gunn portray over the course of his career? Roughly speaking, a whole bunch, no? He would be a model employee in the New WWE. He could revive the Billy and Chuck gimmick (two new hires there, so that means five more of the old regulars out the door, thank you very much), he could be an Ass Man, and he could be a New Age Outlaw. (Another new hire, huh?)

These new hires would send a clear message to the remaining members of the locker room: get creative, or get out. One cannot rightfully expect the WWE creative team to be burdened down with having to come up with ideas for the wrestlers. Thatís just not their job. If the wrestlers themselves arenít creative enough to come up with multiple ideas for characters for themselves, then they donít belong in the company. While the creative team members are busy skipping their kidsí little league games to sit in Vinceís office and suck up to him, thatís what the wrestlers should be doing.

Stevie Richards and the Blue Meanie had the right idea in ECW with all the different characters they played or spoofed there. They could be used as members of the rock group KISS (which would set up a natural feud with the returning KISS Demon character, who could be played literally by anyone on the roster), they could be the Fabulous Fargo Brothers, they could be Col. DeMeanie and Baron Von Stevie. Not to mention the BWO and themselves. They are model employees for New WWE.

Squeal like a pig, Burgan!

And New WWE would be nothing like New Coke, so donít worry about that. It would still go down smooth as ever. WWE specializes in mirroring society, echoing what goes on during your favorite prime time drama television shows. CSI features two-on-one humpings in every episode. Therefore, you can sleep easy at night knowing that Viscera will still be humping the bejeezus out of all his opponents, the referee and the ring announcer during every one of his matches. (Viscera, by the way, will also revert back to being King Mabel, which would set up the obvious matches with the crown on the line against other former King of the Ring winners like the Ass Man. All this ties together.)

It should also be noted that New WWE will work harder to stress entertainment. People like going to rock concerts and rap concerts. Theyíre entertaining. Therefore, youíll be seeing a whole bunch more Fozzy concerts on Raw in the near future. And since Chris Jericho canít really sing, then it doesnít matter who else is performing during these concerts. Shawn Michaels kind of reminds me of a Vince Neil type, and so it doesnít even matter if he can sing or what kind of music he likes, he could perform some Motley Crue covers on an episode of Raw. Gene Snitsky looks like he could be a heavy metal singer. Let him do his thing, and watch the ratings soar.

And Iím sure youíre familiar with the old adage that what worked in the past is bound to work again in the present. If that is true (and you know that it is, or else I wouldnít have bothered bringing it up), then the best way to utilize Hulk Hogan is to create a bunch of evil heel characters and have Hogan destroy them in matches with the big boot and the legdrop. That would bring back the older fans that watched wrestling in the Ď80s and want to relive the glory days. Iíve always thought that wrestling fans are too young these days, anyway.

All of these changes would help make New WWE the most exciting wrestling promotion in the history of the business. The only tricky part would be making sure you book the shows so that, say, Hardcore Holly isnít scheduled to take on Sparky Plugg or something like that. That could cause for much embarrassment for management, and much anger (even more so) for Holly. You would be best served to let him take out on OVW trainees, having shoot matches that only he would know are shoots.

But yeah. I think wrestlers should have to perform under more than one gimmick. Someone ought to do a column about that someday.

Dusty Giebink just got out of rehab, and is looking at life through fresh eyes. You can expect more perfectly sane, clear headed writings like the above in the future, to be found only here on GumGod.com, the finest website in the world with the word ďgumĒ in the title.

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.