On my way home from the gym recently I was summoned from a voice that I thought was inside my head. It was booming. It yelled out,
“THOU MUST STOP THINE CAR!” I was in the middle of nowhere, but I did what the voice said. Probably because it sounded like a combination of R. Lee Ermey from
Full Metal Jacket and Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. The voice then commanded me to walk what seemed like miles, when all of a sudden I saw something burning. From afar it looked like a burning bush, but when I got closer I realized it was a burning stack of
Wrestling Observers (no doubt set ablaze by a dirtsheet competitor).
While I can’t divulge what happened over the next hour, I can tell you that I was sent back with a message. A message for all of you reading this. A message that will help you fit into this whacky world we call the Internet. Here is that message...
The Ten Commandments of the Internet Wrestling Community!
I am the Lord thy Thesz. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not create images of, or speak in negative tones about thee, or the sons and daughters of thee: Misawa, Benoit, Bret, Rikidozan, Santo, Brody, Owen, Toyota, Dynamite and Sayama.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Thesz in vain.
Remember the sabbath day, that houses doth pay-per-views.
Honor thy Meltzer and Keller.
Thou shalt not mark out for "sports entertainment."
Thou shalt not ever read "Apter mags."
Thou shalt not ever rate any Purorseu match less than three stars.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against Ring of Honor.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's action figure collection, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's back issues of the Observer, nor his manservant (thy Alvarez), nor his maidservant (thy Bethel), nor his ox (thy Mojo), nor his ass (thy Ryder), nor any thing that is in thy neighbor's collection of videotapes.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.