Torch Interviews Step-by-Step

 

Home
Cheap Pops!
The Crew
Kayfabulator 5000
Bonus Features
Mind Altering Links

Hey gang! This is Derek Burgan. You may remember me from Smackdown Express, The Declaration of Independence, or Ask Derek Anything. Apparently the recent Torch Talk Exclusive with Syxx Pac was so successful, the Big Dog himself Wade Keller has put out the word that he wants as many high profile interviews as possible. That’s right, my inside sources at the Torch tell me that the money that came in from people signing up for the Torch Newsletter has afforded Wade the ability to take an all expenses paid trip for 3 Nights/4 Days in luxurious St. Paul, Minnesota. Once you have a taste of the big city life, it makes it hard to go back to life as we know it. So how can you help out the Torch? Let me show you how!

Step ONE Write for the Torch: Remember, every journey starts with a single step and that means becoming a writer for the World Renowned PWTorch family (which includes the PWTorch newsletter, PWTorch.com and The Watchtower). There are a number of ways about getting that feather in your cap. You can do it the hard way and actually finish high school, go to one of those fancy schmancy colleges like The University of Illinois while getting a degree in some sort of English field, combine that with your lifelong knowledge and passion for the squared circle, put it all together and write a monthly column that Editor-in-Chief Wade Keller is sure to swoon over.

Or you can do it like the rest of us did including; submitting unsolicited Smackdown recaps for over 2 years until it drives Wade so insane that he prints them out of pity (Derek Burgan), lose a bet (Bruce Mitchell), be the only eyewitness to Wade being the real killer of Katie Vick (Jason Powell) or you can do it the old fashioned way by getting out the checkbook and actually pay Wade to print your stuff (Mike Sempervive). As you can see, there are many opportunities in which to be able to join the Torch Team!

Step TWO Understand the Food Chain: Now that you are a valued member of the wrestling press, it’s time to understand the one true ground rule. There is a clear and distinct order in the world of professional wrestling and no one is allowed to cross it. Think of it like a caste system. You are only allowed to interview wrestlers perceived to be on your level. This rule is most important to the wrestler who is about to be interviewed as he can not be seen talking to anyone below his perceived level or he will automatically be booked to appear at the lower level. The following is a list of the classes and a sample of the personalities they are allowed to interview.

Wade Keller (Class A) Vince McMahon, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Paul Heyman Jason Powell (Class B) Gabe Sapolski, Ron Killings, Jerry Lynn, Vince Russo Pat McNeill (Class C) Rob Black, The Blue Meanie, Shane Douglas James Guttman (Class D) Lilian Garcia, Billy Silverman, The One legged wrestler who isn’t Tenancious Z, members of ROH’s Special K Derek Burgan (No Class) NWA TNA’s Midget Who Beat Off in a Trash Can, Bubba the Love Sponge, That kid who dropped out from MTV’s “I wanna be a wrestler”

What this means is that it is pretty much below Wade Keller to be interviewing Lo-Ki or Shark Boy and The Hurricane sure as hell better not be caught talking to a Internet curtain jerker like Derek Burgan unless he wants to follow the career path of Essa Rios.

Wild Cards: (can be interviewed by any level) - Tough Enough contestants, “Celebrities” that have been a part of wrestling (ie: David Arquette, Bob Ueker), former XFL and WBF’ers & DDP.

Step THREE Hit the bricks young man! Now you need to get in contact with the wrestling personality you want to interview! Some wrestlers have their own websites that will allow you to contact them. Others go through a third party “agent” like Jeremy Borash or someone as equally out-of-their-field. These are the ones to target as they will have plenty of time to waste talking to dirt sheet writers like us! Wade has made available the Official PWTorch Interview Request Form. Feel Free to copy the form below to send out with your requests!

---------This is where you cut the paper with scissors!--------------------------

To Whom It May Concern,

We here at PWTorch have been following your clients’ career for ____ years. In fact, just this week I was talking with Jason Powell about how great _____________ was and how awesome it would be to do an interview with ___________! This is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that would be both beneficial for the Torch and ____________. Please get back to me at your earliest convenience or I will be forced to interview my backup selection, Grandmaster Sexay.

Thank You,

______________ PWTorch Team Member



--------This is also where you cut the paper with scissors!-------------------------

****Be sure to fill in the blank lines to give it that personal attention!



Step FOUR The Contract Rider

Obviously the “agent” is going to do everything they can to get their client to be interviewed by you as soon as possible! Unfortunately, as with everything in wrestling, it all comes down to business. You are going to have to comply with a set of rules and demands set forth by the wrestling personality that must be obeyed or he will not agree to do the interview. This is what is called a Contract Rider. Below is a copy of the rider sent to Wade Keller himself which had to be followed to the “T” in order to get his exclusive interview with Syxx Pac.

STANDARD INTERVIEW RIDER

Sean Waltman C/O Kevin Nash’s House 4222 Clinton Way Pasadena, CA 91125

Re: Proposed interview between Syxx Pac (hereafter referred to as ARTIST) and Wade Keller.

ARTIST’s requirements regarding interview are as follows:

***ARTIST is to receive complimentary lifetime subscription to PWTorch newsletter.

***ARTIST must be mentioned in the “hit” portion of Jason Powell’s Hit List in 4 our of the following 6 weeks regardless of activity or if Artist is involved in a god awful blindfold match.

***ARTIST must be listed in Wade Keller’s THURSDAY THREE COUNT but no higher than #12. (ARTIST would be extremely grateful for a top position)

***ARTIST request Wade Keller personally explain to him what the hell a “scross”, “qwaz” and “BJ” are in relation to Greg Allison’s writing in the LOUNGE.

***(1) copy of Pat McNeill’s All the tables were broken. If copy of said book can’t be found, (1) copy of The Wild Blue by Stephen Ambrose or The Fitzgeralds by Doris Goodwin will suffice.

***ARTIST asks that restraining order against Torch MMA Mike Sempervive be voluntarily extended from 100 to 250 yards.

***ARTIST requires AT LEAST two (2) members of the Torch Team reviewing his matches grade them at 3 ½ stars or better, regardless of content, in the VIP Express.

***ARTIST asks that Mojo Mitchell to stop calling Chyna “Tits” in Mojo’s Stream of Consciousness.

Please be advised that the Torch’s failure to provide any of the above mentioned items in ARTIST’s agreement, without prior written approval by Sean Waltman, shall be deemed a breach of the contract and in the event of such breach, agent has the right to cancel the interview.



Step FIVE Are we there yet?!

Now that all the legal work is done, it’s time for the fun to begin! Come prepared (that means at least three questions thought of before hand) and don’t be afraid to push the talent’s buttons because, as Eric Bischoff says, “Controversy equals cash!” You might have to be creative when transcribing the interview to print considering that a good majority of the wrestlers you talk to will be so doped up on Somas, Percasets or a combination of alcohol and the wacky weed they may be hard to understand, if not totally unintelligible. That’s where your background as a “creative” writer comes into play!

If the above steps are followed I can personally guarantee you a first class interview that will make you the envy of every whiny Internet writer who, while constantly bashing the WWE and wrestling in general, would sell their soul to be able to talk to Stevie Richards for five minutes.

Derek Burgan can be seen transcribing the events of Smackdown every Thursday night exclusively on PWTorch.com He can be reached Here and welcomes all reader comments, suggestions AND interview requests.

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.