K5000 Results for Sept 7, 2003


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The Kayfabulator 5000 is the industry leader in deciphering the inner-workings of the rasslin’ business and presenting them to you, the reader, in a language that’s easily understood.

“English!” - Vincent Kennedy McMahon

For the week ending September 7, 2003

Original Quote: "Frankly, you're embarrassing yourself. And you're embarrassing Sunday Night Heat." - Al Snow to Jonathan Coachman on Monday Night Raw.

K5000 Translation: "My biggest wrestling fame came from having relations with a mannequin's head and being Mick Foley's bitch, a position that somehow Test has taken from me. And now I'm forced to help YOU? Honestly, I never thought I'd long for the days of holding Dan Severn's UFC towel. Please, God, kill me now."

Original Quote: "It crushed me. I was crushed. F--k, what the f--k." - Raven on Bill Watts releasing him from WCW.

K5000 Translation: "F--k, what the f--k" is also what's being said by the readers of the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter about the constant misspellings that have taken place in Raven's current "Torch Talk." Like J.T. Strongbow and G.T. Southern.

Original Quote: "Literally there were like 15 of the boys lined up to put me over when I came back... I mean it literally had to be 15 people who lined up, stood up, and got in line saying 'Kid, phenomenal match, kid, phenomenal match." - Raven, in that aforementioned Torch Talk about his Beach Blast match with Brian Pillman.

K5000 Translation: 15 is a nice number, but he didn't specify that 4 were caterers, 4 were ring crew, 2 were janitors, 2 were ringrats looking to score dope and 1 was a 3-way mirror.

Original Quote: "There were too many phone calls from various news sources that he was missing during the show, so we've handed the 'Real Time' duties to Mallory while Jason juggles watching Raw and making/receiving news calls, and then rewatching whatever he missed on tape after Raw. We just felt getting the latest news on deadline was more important than Jason doing the Raw report, although it was a tough call." - PWTorch.com Head Honcho, Wade Keller, discussing why Mallory Mahling has taken over Raw "Virtual Time" duties from Jason Powell.

K5000 Translation: "Unfortunately, Jason has stated that his female mixed tag-team partner (read: girlfriend) is complaining that his unhealthy fascination with oiled-up, half-naked men who hit each other has become all-consuming. This certainly doesn't make any sense to me, as I believe his choice of an A-Train limited edition collector's plate was the ultimate anniversary gift! But, hey, different strokes for different folks, I guess."

Original Quote: "For the second time in my 40-years as an avid wrestling fan I did the unthinkable. I turned off a wrestling television program last night. The first time was less than a year ago when WWE had Hunter Helmsley humping a 'corpse' in a casket. This time it was just as disgusting. Eric Bischoff sexually assaulting Linda McMahon in her home office. What in the hell is going on in Stamford, CT? Were they writing this trash during last week’s blackout or something?" - Percy Pringle, via his website.

K5000 Translation: “The only thing unthinkable for me would be to lose weight and keep it off. However, I will continue to badmouth and criticize the WWE for angles not half as bad as the ones I was involved with until Vince McMahon puts me on his paid roster again. Instead I will keep asking fans to check out NWA TNA were Man on Woman violence is ten times worse than the WWE and we take vulgarity to a heretofore unseen level in the world of wrestling!”


Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.