The Kayfabulator 5000 is the industry leader in deciphering the inner-workings of the rasslin’ business and presenting them to you, the reader, in a language that’s easily understood.
We here at
GumGod apologize for the tardy nature of getting out to you -- the fine men and
women who support our site -- the updated K5000 results. Now you
may think there would be a perfectly reasonable excuse for the delay. Well,
much like Pat McNeill's pay-per-view predictions each month for PWTorch.com,
you'd be wrong. Unfortunately, we can't blame hurricane Isabel or the fact that
we're trying to talk GumGod-Team Express intern/valet/Lipinski's man-slave,
Dusty Giebink, into running for Governor of California while wearing only a
diaper and a tri-colored afro wig. No, we were blessed with our own natural
disaster -- team member, Pierce Noll.
Yes, the same brain that unleashed
"Burgan's Barnicles" on the world defied direct orders and "thought it
would be a hoot" to feed our K5000 super-computer with the Ultimate Warrior's last appearance on
C-SPAN. It took less than ten seconds from the time the speech was fed into the
machine before it started smoking, making a strange noise that sounded like a
whimpering dog and shooting out responses that looked mostly like this:
*^$#aNaBoLiC)*&$#^&-WhY?!?!>:%NoOo+!<!!!
As a result, we
had to call in a crack team of computer geeks to slowly rebuild the system's
brain at the cost of my Simpsons Season 4 action figure set. As punishment Pierce has been suspended without
pay and will be forced to
listen to Mike Sempervive's exciting recollections on the Central States TV
title.
So now, without further ado, tell us what you want, Vince...
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon, MSG Hall of Famer
For the week ending September 28, 2003 ____________________________________
Original Quote: "This is real." - Roddy Piper, numerous times on
NWA-TNA.
K5000 Translation: "This has nothing to do with reality, and neither
do I. Unless reality means that I am a hypocritical, sick individual who needs to
remove himself from the professional wrestling business, and get some sort of
medical care. If you look at it that way, it's all too real." ____________________________________
Original Quote: "I have no idea who PWTorch are, and I know a fair bit about wrestling,
so they can't be very significant." - A poster named Mig, on the Ring of Honor
message board, in response to this site's Cheap Pops! ROH parody.
K5000 Translation: "Hi. I'm the worst stereotype of a net geek. Not only do I
have no sense of humor when it comes to a Philadelphia-based wrestling company,
I also have so much wrestling knowledge that I'm completely ignorant to the
publication that has in-depth conversations with men such as, Foley, Ross,
Bischoff, Russo, Heyman, Cornette, Hogan, Raven, Konnan, Crockett, Gordon,
Gagne, and many others who have shaped the wrestling world we live in. Nor did I
know that the Torch has been quoted in world-renown newspapers such as the Los
Angeles Times and Washington Post, or the fact that Mick Foley clearly mentioned
doing one of his Torch talks in his first book. Or even the fact that
wrestling/boxing magazine guru, Stu Saks, recently told KayfabeMemories.com
that, along with the Observer, every person in the business reads the Torch,
whether they care to admit it or not. I also am so secure in my own being that I
felt the need to defend myself from a parody that wasn't aimed directly at
anyone. I'm claiming to have a wife, a car, and a house, even though nobody
asked me, nor cares. But then again, what can you expect from me? In my profile
I list alcohol as one of my main interests -- the MARK of a truly cool guy. No
sir, I'm no nipple, I'm the coolest!"
____________________________________
Original Quote: "Jim 'Sinister
Minister' Mitchell has no interest in signing a contract with WWE... he makes
more money a week working with TNA, and performing karaoke." - from the PWTorch
TNA newswire
K5000 Translation: If there was ever, EVER, a reason that professional
wrestling should go back to the kayfabe days, this is it. Don't agree? The next
time you see the man whose on-screen persona is that of a satanic psycho,
picture him in a colorful Hawaiian shirt with a crap-eating grin on his face,
singing Neil Diamond's "Forever In Blue Jeans" in front of a collection of AARP
members at a Huntsville, Alabama VFW hall.
____________________________________
Original quote: "I'm very
comfortable now, whereas I felt like an outsider before." - Goldberg, to WWE.com
K5000 Translation: "It feels good to be able to finally be 'one of the
boys.' To prove my team spirit, I'm not going to work house shows that may
increase attendance which would in turn increase paychecks for the other guys
who actually have dedicated their lives to this. Nor will I hang-out with anyone
in the back, put anyone over, work safely, or get a personality. Yep, it's very
comforting to be on the inside."
____________________________________
Original Quote: "I want people to
see that I can be mainstream. I can be Steve Austin, I can be The Rock, I can be
Kurt Angle. I can be Brock Lesnar," he said. "And it takes a certain mentality
to do that. And I'm not going to mention my name in the same breath as
Undertaker or Hunter because I hold those guys in even higher regard than the
names that I mentioned." - Mark Henry, to the Get in the Ring radio
show
K5000 Translation: "I know I've been a complete and
utter failure over the last seven years, but I'm going to use the next three to
kiss as much important ass as I can. God willing, I'll get another 10 year
contract which only benefits me."
____________________________________
Original Quote: "Rock also lost some points when he said he majored in
criminal justice and considered becoming a secret service agent. He said when he
finally got around to asking about how much they typically got paid, he said,
"It wasn't take-a-bullet money, if you know what I mean." Letterman laughed, but
added that the fact that secret service agents aren't paid great money is all
the more reason to consider them heroes. Rock quickly saw the shallowness of his
story, agreed with Letterman's point, and then said secret service agents are
true heroes." - Keller's Take on The Rock's appearance on Letterman
K5000 Translation: "Clearly Letterman
was doing his best to Pearl Harbor our beloved Rocky by turning a half-scripted
interview into a self-aggrandizing shoot. If Letterman can’t hit his high
spots
and put over a ****1/2 star entertainer/athlete like The Rock then he's got NO
RIGHT to complain when The Rock's heir apparent to the silver screen, Triple H, turns
Letterman's show down flat in favor of
Leno."
