K5000 Results for Sept 28, 2003


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The Kayfabulator 5000 is the industry leader in deciphering the inner-workings of the rassliní business and presenting them to you, the reader, in a language thatís easily understood.

We here at GumGod apologize for the tardy nature of getting out to you -- the fine men and women who support our site -- the updated K5000 results. Now you may think there would be a perfectly reasonable excuse for the delay. Well, much like Pat McNeill's pay-per-view predictions each month for PWTorch.com, you'd be wrong. Unfortunately, we can't blame hurricane Isabel or the fact that we're trying to talk GumGod-Team Express intern/valet/Lipinski's man-slave, Dusty Giebink, into running for Governor of California while wearing only a diaper and a tri-colored afro wig. No, we were blessed with our own natural disaster -- team member, Pierce Noll.

Yes, the same brain that unleashed "Burgan's Barnicles" on the world defied direct orders and "thought it would be a hoot" to feed our K5000 super-computer with the Ultimate Warrior's last appearance on C-SPAN. It took less than ten seconds from the time the speech was fed into the machine before it started smoking, making a strange noise that sounded like a whimpering dog and shooting out responses that looked mostly like this: *^$#aNaBoLiC)*&$#^&-WhY?!?!>:%NoOo+!<!!!

As a result, we had to call in a crack team of computer geeks to slowly rebuild the system's brain at the cost of my Simpsons Season 4 action figure set. As punishment Pierce has been suspended without pay and will be forced to listen to Mike Sempervive's exciting recollections on the Central States TV title. 

So now, without further ado, tell us what you want, Vince...

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon, MSG Hall of Famer

For the week ending September 28, 2003

Original Quote: "This is real." - Roddy Piper, numerous times on NWA-TNA.

K5000 Translation: "This has nothing to do with reality, and neither do I. Unless reality means that I am a hypocritical, sick individual who needs to remove himself from the professional wrestling business, and get some sort of medical care. If you look at it that way, it's all too real."

Original Quote: "I have no idea who PWTorch are, and I know a fair bit about wrestling, so they can't be very significant." - A poster named Mig, on the Ring of Honor message board, in response to this site's Cheap Pops! ROH parody.

K5000 Translation: "Hi. I'm the worst stereotype of a net geek. Not only do I have no sense of humor when it comes to a Philadelphia-based wrestling company, I also have so much wrestling knowledge that I'm completely ignorant to the publication that has in-depth conversations with men such as, Foley, Ross, Bischoff, Russo, Heyman, Cornette, Hogan, Raven, Konnan, Crockett, Gordon, Gagne, and many others who have shaped the wrestling world we live in. Nor did I know that the Torch has been quoted in world-renown newspapers such as the Los Angeles Times and Washington Post, or the fact that Mick Foley clearly mentioned doing one of his Torch talks in his first book. Or even the fact that wrestling/boxing magazine guru, Stu Saks, recently told KayfabeMemories.com that, along with the Observer, every person in the business reads the Torch, whether they care to admit it or not. I also am so secure in my own being that I felt the need to defend myself from a parody that wasn't aimed directly at anyone. I'm claiming to have a wife, a car, and a house, even though nobody asked me, nor cares. But then again, what can you expect from me? In my profile I list alcohol as one of my main interests -- the MARK of a truly cool guy. No sir, I'm no nipple, I'm the coolest!"

Original Quote: "Jim 'Sinister Minister' Mitchell has no interest in signing a contract with WWE... he makes more money a week working with TNA, and performing karaoke." - from the PWTorch TNA newswire

K5000 Translation: If there was ever, EVER, a reason that professional wrestling should go back to the kayfabe days, this is it. Don't agree? The next time you see the man whose on-screen persona is that of a satanic psycho, picture him in a colorful Hawaiian shirt with a crap-eating grin on his face, singing Neil Diamond's "Forever In Blue Jeans" in front of a collection of AARP members at a Huntsville, Alabama VFW hall.

Original quote: "I'm very comfortable now, whereas I felt like an outsider before." - Goldberg, to WWE.com

K5000 Translation: "It feels good to be able to finally be 'one of the boys.' To prove my team spirit, I'm not going to work house shows that may increase attendance which would in turn increase paychecks for the other guys who actually have dedicated their lives to this. Nor will I hang-out with anyone in the back, put anyone over, work safely, or get a personality. Yep, it's very comforting to be on the inside."

Original Quote: "I want people to see that I can be mainstream. I can be Steve Austin, I can be The Rock, I can be Kurt Angle. I can be Brock Lesnar," he said. "And it takes a certain mentality to do that. And I'm not going to mention my name in the same breath as Undertaker or Hunter because I hold those guys in even higher regard than the names that I mentioned." - Mark Henry, to the Get in the Ring radio show

K5000 Translation: "I know I've been a complete and utter failure over the last seven years, but I'm going to use the next three to kiss as much important ass as I can. God willing, I'll get another 10 year contract which only benefits me."

Original Quote: "Rock also lost some points when he said he majored in criminal justice and considered becoming a secret service agent. He said when he finally got around to asking about how much they typically got paid, he said, "It wasn't take-a-bullet money, if you know what I mean." Letterman laughed, but added that the fact that secret service agents aren't paid great money is all the more reason to consider them heroes. Rock quickly saw the shallowness of his story, agreed with Letterman's point, and then said secret service agents are true heroes." - Keller's Take on The Rock's appearance on Letterman

K5000 Translation: "Clearly Letterman was doing his best to Pearl Harbor our beloved Rocky by turning a half-scripted interview into a self-aggrandizing shoot. If Letterman can’t hit his high spots and put over a ****1/2 star entertainer/athlete like The Rock then he's got NO RIGHT to complain when The Rock's heir apparent to the silver screen, Triple H, turns Letterman's show down flat in favor of Leno."


Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.