K5000 Results for Nov 17, 2003


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The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for a bunch of days ending 11/17/03

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon

Original Quote: "TNA is about opportunity -- for wrestlers new and established." - Dixie Carter, TNA press release

K5000 Translation: "TNA is about missing opportunities -- with wrestlers both new and established. Like A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, Elix Skipper, Ron Killings, C.M. Punk, D-Lo Brown, Jerry Lynn and Kevin Northcutt, and not spending our money wisely to bring in guys like Ricky Marvin, Shocker, Hector Garza, Satoshi Kojima, Shinjiro Otani, Masato Tanaka, Taiyo Kea or Heat, even though we try and say on every telecast we have Mexican and Japanese connections."

Original Quote: "Dutch Mantel blew a gasket backstage at the TNA show Wednesday night (11/5). He took the wrestlers who competed in the X Division battle royal to task for going over their time limit. After threatening to fine the wrestlers, Dutch followed up by screaming, "You guys need to learn when to go home." - NWA-TNA Newswire, Pro Wrestling Torch # 784

K5000 Translation: What wasn't mentioned in this news piece is that after Mantel got done saying the above sentence the X Division wrestlers collectively said, "Good f***ing idea, you stupid f***ing asshole. Thanks so much for making us look SO GOOD in being embarrassed by Carl f***ing Oulette. A$$HOLE!!!"

Original Quote: "Both died under suspicious circumstances, because the deaths were roughly the same time with their two infant children in the house. The odds of two people accidentally overdosing simultaneously or both parents committing suicide with their children in the house and no note doesn't add up." - Wrestling Observer (11/17) discussing the deaths of Anthony "Pitbull" Durante and his girlfriend.

K5000 Translation: There's nothing suspicious about this. If you are slimy enough to take fentanyl and alcohol when you have two infants in your care, the added up results indicate that it ended like it should have.

Original Quote: "Raven destroyed Jim Mitchell, who he bladed and it was really a gross amount of blood... This was to be Mitchell's last night in the promotion... It's too bad because his promos were Major League." - Wrestling Observer (11/17)

K5000 Translation: Which is the exact reason Mitchell isn't needed in TNA. Why have anyone around that gives the company a major league feel? Well, they're major league in a 2001 WCW Thunder sort of way.

Original Quote: "With its eye on the prize of greater television ratings and record-setting pay-per-view buys for its WrestleMania XX, WWE has developed a new "Smack Your TV" ad campaign to support its flagship program on network television, WWE SmackDown!" - WWE press release (11/17)

K5000 Translation: "WWE came up with the slogan to try and put a positive spin on the fact that the remaining viewers who have stayed loyal to the show, actually smack the shit out of their televisions several times while watching it."

Copyright 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.