The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for several days ending Thanksgiving Eve!

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
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Original quote: "(Stephanie McMahon) continues to work as a supervisor overseeing the two writing teams for Raw and Smackdown. She hired a pair of Hollywood-based creative consultants to review the company's writing process." - Pro Wrestling Torch #785, WWE Newswire

K5000 Translation: "The two creative consultants will be the two highest paid sycophants in the company not named 'Hunter' or 'Taker.' Their duties will include mastering the phrases 'You are absolutely correct' and 'Damn fine job, again, Mrs. Levesque', as well as positively commenting on her appearance at all times and ignoring the strange catfish-like smell that emanates from her lower torso."
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Original quote: "Dustin Runnels has been medically cleared to return to action... He'll return when the writers have something for him to do." - Pro Wrestling Torch #785, WWE Newswire

K5000 Translation: "Apparently the writers have decided that Dustin should ASS-ASS-ASS- ask if the SH~T-SH~T-SH~T- shitake mushroom industry needs a spokesman, because he's being let go when his C*NT-C*NT-C*NT- contract expires."
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Original quote: "The word coming out of the creative meetings and spreading throughout the locker room is that (Dutch) Mantel is down on Christopher Daniels, Jerry Lynn, Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger. One story quotes Mantel as saying he believes there is more money in David Young than Diamond and Swinger." - Pro Wrestling Torch #785, TNA Newswire

K5000 Translation: "The word coming out of the creative meetings and spreading throughout the locker room is that Mantel is a complete f***ing idiot. Along with believing David Young can draw money in any way -- without being dropped in a barrel of Stick-Um and being dragged through the Treasury department -- is his belief that Lazz would be a great NWA champion, The Rock-N-Roll Express would be the type of tag champs that the young fans can relate to, Nelson Royal's corpse would be a welcome addition to the 'boring' X division, and putting Elix Skipper under a pointy, white hooded outfit then have him stumble around the ring like Jerry Lewis (or Scott Hall at a spring break Nitro) while calling him the 'Krazy Kolored Klansman' would be a laugh riot."
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Original quote: "Joanie Laurer was on VH-1 this past week claiming that she was bulimic in her days with WWE. She claimed she used to pass out while purging herself and would wake up with a bump on her head from hitting it on the toilet" - Wrestling Observer, November 24, 2003

K5000 Translation: "It was while she was passed out on the floor of the bathroom Joanie first found out she and Sean Waltman had many things in common."
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Original quote: "Afa Anoai Jr. will have a preliminary hearing on 11/25 on charges that he was the getaway driver in the robbery and stabbing of an elderly woman. Anoia's attorney, John Karoly, said Anoai knew nothing of the robbery and was just waiting for Nicole Lee Transue and Ricardo Alecea to get something from her home when she allegedly robbed the neighbor."- Wrestling Observer, November 24, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Karoly also stated that along with their use of the 'Ray Lewis Defense' they have hired O.J. Simpson's investigative team that has been busy for the past 7 years looking for 'the real killer' of Nicole."
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Original quote: "A correction on the drug report on the death of Anthony Durante and his girlfriend. Fentanyl and Oxycotin are similar drugs as far as pain killers, but not identical. The biological mechanisms used by them to cause pain relief are different." - Wrestling Observer, November 24, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Both drugs' results for providing relief to infants that would otherwise have grown up in a horrific, uncaring environment are still spectacular."
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Original quote: "In defense of the Internet Wrestling Community, people such... Mike Sempervive (whose guest editorial with Zach Arnold partly inspired this)... all provided constructive ways that WWE could improve." - Scott Paris of PWTorch.com in his debut LOUNGE article.

K5000 Translation: What our sources found edited from the column by the Head Honcho of the PWTorch: "I've been greatly inspired to write about professional wrestling for the Torch because Mike Sempervive has been so exceptional in writing about it. So good, in fact, that only two out of his last six articles had anything to do with wrestling and one of those he let somebody else write. Any place that would let that happen is certainly the place for me!"