K5000 Results for Dec 12, 2003

 

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The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for several days ending 12/12/03

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
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We here at GumGod apologize for the delay in getting out to YOU, the fine readers of this very site the new K5000 results. We have been receiving some very strange, angry calls, in the past two weeks from men saying they represent the Pro Wrestling Torch and the Wrestling Observer. We had already thought it was strange that we here at the GumGod complex had not received our weekly dose of news and rumor dirtsheets. Then we got the phone calls and we knew the two things were connected. The calls were quite vulgar and both had the same complaint regarding this site: we are unfairly parodying the quotes that we take from those sources by putting them through the Kayfabulator 5000.

Even though we told the callers that we were not responsible for the truths that are told by the K5000, they continued to be upset. The caller from the Torch (we believe his name was Jason, as he at one point said "God is very angry with you, and he told me, 'Jaso..owww! That hurt! er, Disciple, make clean the minds of these heathens through threats...") kept fumbling over his words, and attempting (poorly) to cover up the phone with his hand while asking someone else in the room for help on the next thing to say (from what we could tell, his name seemed to be "Wad...er...God").

The caller from the Observer was quite open about his name. He said it was Bryan but we assumed he was working for a "higher power," because he would repeatedly say, "Thy Lord is absolutely correct at all times. Bow to him!!!" and "Your stupid, little machine couldn't handle the 25,000 to 35,000 words of text that thy Lord's bible creates on a weekly basis!"

Well, after a closed door meeting among the GumGod staff (which Mike Sempervive and Keith Lipinski were absent for due to it interfering with their weekly pummelings of Express junior varsity members, Dusty Geibink and Jeremy Maes) to determine whether or not we should close the doors on the K5000 as it may be harming the integrity of the sources of the quotes that are fed into it. After careful consideration we reached a unanimous verdict:

"F*** 'em!"
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Original quote: "(Robert) Gibson told everyone backstage that Larry Booker (aka Moondog Spot) had collapsed and to call 911. A staff paramedic started performing CPR... Finally, Booker was taken out on a stretcher to the back and intermission was taken." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, December 8, 2003

K5000 Translation: After a heart-to-heart talk between the wrestlers backstage and the promise of adopting a new Moondog that the other wrestlers could grapple with in Tupelo-styled concession stand brawls, Spot was then taken around the back of the building and shot.
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Original quote: "Billy Gunn... has been having fun lately playing basketball with neighborhood kids lately as a way to warm up for his return to the ring." -- PWTorch #786, WWE Newswire

K5000 Translation: "Billy Gunn... has been having fun lately playing basketball with neighborhood kids lately as a way to warm up for his return to the ring. But, he's been drawing the ire of the neighborhood's parents by inviting the kids over to his house for sleepovers and nicknaming them 'rubba-rubba.' Rumors have it that Gunn will continue his long line of incredibly bad gimmicks by coming back as 'Billy Jean' and using Michael Jackson's current pedophile persona. He will be teamed and then feud with Survivor contestant Johnny "Fairplay" Dalton, who will reprise his indy wrestling brainchild, "Statutory Ape." WWE executive producer, Kevin Dunn, says it won't be in bad taste, it will just be WWE once again 'ripping real-life storylines from the front pages' and pimping them in the poorest taste possible."
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Original quote: What makes the situation worse is that (Steven) Richards walked through the move behind the scenes with (John) Heidenreich numerous times because Heidenreich was nervous about executing it correctly. When he got backstage, the first he thing he did was innocently and nervously ask veteran wrestlers, "What'd I do wrong?" He was promptly told and clearly felt bad about the mistake. -- PWTorch #786, WWE Newswire, discussing Heidenreich almost breaking Richards already badly damaged neck -- again.

K5000 Translation: Torch Head Honcho, Wade Keller, made an editorial decision to not publish the rumored talks that took place with Heidenreich and those veteran wrestlers due to the extreme nature of the conversations. Obviously, the most brutal was when Richards finally made it back to the dressing room. When Heidenreich apologized and asked Richards what he had done wrong, Richards exploded and responded: "You know, John, it's not really you. It's actually your mother that did something wrong. She should have made your clumsy, incredibly dense, ignorant ass look like a large pizza on toast with a back-alley, wire hangar abortion when you were a still a fetus, you inbred, f***ing retard. I have f***ing neck problems already, you f***ing assh*le! As far as I'm concerened, one time is an accident. Twice, means you're trying to make me a paraplegic. Go f*** yourself and Little Johnny while you're at it, you stupid f***ing dick."
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Original Quote: "I noticed that a few newspapers and a television decided to report on my legal situation. I have been advised by my attorney not to talk about the agreement that the DA and I made, but I can assure you that it is no where near what was reported in the newspaper. I stated from the beginning that I was innocent of all charges and I am glad that this part of my life is over. There are still more stressful times ahead but these times they will be in my favor. Thank you. Thank you for your support." -- From stevecorino.com's message board

K5000 Translation: "I got busted. I got a plea bargain. I am glad this part of my life is over, so please don't constantly bring it up like wrestling fans usually do by chanting 'You bounced checks' or 'You pleaded down' at Ring of Honor shows. There are still more stressful times ahead but these times they will be in my favor, like the difficulty I'll have in finding a portion of my forehead to slice open with a razor blade -- that doesn't already look like ground hamburger. Thank you. Thank you for your support."
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Original quote: "While Bruce (Mitchell) fondly recalls watching Ricky Steamboat, Tully Blanchard, The Rock & Roll Express, The Andersons, and 'ol whasisname (Ric Flair), folks in my neck of the woods remember The Crusher, Mad Dog Vachon, The High Flyers, Sheik Adnan El-Kassie, Baron Von Raschke, and Nick Bockwinkel." -- PWTorch #786, "On Topic with Jason Powell"

K5000 Translation: Which is exactly the reason that -- with the exception of Bockwinkel -- absolutely no one outside parts of Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, Denver or San Francisco gave two sh*ts about the AWA -- including its own guys, contrary to popular belief, and it died quicker than the NWA, Mid-South, World Class, ICW, Portland or Memphis, when people had the opportunity to witness other programming.
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Original quote: "In addition, for me, going to wrestling for more than 30 years, one of the fun parts of the live show is walking around at intermission and seeing people that you know and only see at live matches... It appeared at the 11/29 show at the San Francisco Cow Palace, that without the intermission, people got tired." -- Dave Meltzer, talking about going to a WWE show, Wrestling Observer Newsletter, December 8, 2003

K5000 Translation: "In addition, for me, going to wrestling for more than 30 years, one of the fun parts of the live show is walking around at intermission and seeing people that you know and only see at live matches and repeatedly asking them if they had seen the most recent Observer, and if not, why? I tried to explain that a usual weekly issue of the Observer ranges from 1,225,000 to 1,335,000 words of text, covering pro wrestling around the world in more detail than any other publication, and that they can get inside info available nowhere else, particularly what is happening, why and where it is leading, and find out why hundreds of thousands of satisfied readers in more than 150 countries spend upwards of eighteen hours a week going through the issue, trying to decipher the smallest print known to mankind, as well as wrestlers from all over using it to wipe up their drunken vomit on long plane flights. It appeared at the 11/29 show at the San Francisco Cow Palace, that without the intermission, it hindered my ability to sell more subscriptions."
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Original quote: "TNA is in jeopardy of losing their Australian pay-per-view clearance in the near future. The company's Australian carrier is not happy with the buy rates..." -- PWTorch #787, TNA Newswire

K5000 Translation: "TNA is going through problems in Australia that will serve as a test run of what will happen very soon in America." 
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Original Quote: "Andy Pettitte is at the top of our free agent list." -- The New York Yankees

K5000 Translation: "Andy Pettitte is at the top of our free agent list... Oops. Sorry about that, the list was upside down."
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Original Quote: "Those inside TNA are saying that management has started questioning whether Hulk Hogan will ever work for the promotion, although we're told publicly no one will admit that." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, December 8, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Those inside TNA are saying that management has started questioning whether Hulk Hogan will ever work for the promotion, although everyone seems to think that management has already lost their God-damned minds anyway by not only bringing back Roddy Piper but making him the promotional selling point of this week's show."
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Original Quote: "Dana White has said that there is a deal on the table for UFC to get a regular time slot on Spike TV. However, there are a lot of details that still need to be worked out, but the working idea is to do a weekly show." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, December 8, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Dana White has said that there is a deal on the table for UFC to get a regular time slot on Spike TV. However, there are a lot of details that still need to be worked out, like if they can find anyone outside of about three guys in the company that anyone would give a s*it about and how the can put on a weekly TV show when most of their recent "major" PPV shows have been so weak."

Copyright 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.