The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for several days ending 12/20/03
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
This week the technicians running the Kayfabulator 5000 have their work cut out for them. This
time they were given an exclusive interview of Jonny Fairplay to run through the monolith known as the K5000. Jonny Fairplay (a.k.a. Jon Dalton, a.k.a. Crazy Jonny) has achieved a certain distinction of late as being remembered as “the lying jerk” from the smash TV hit Survivor. Luckily the K5000 has spent well over 50 years translating what comes out of the mouths of pro-wrestlers and people who cover the so-called sport of oiled-up, hairless men who pretend to hit each other, so it is
finely tuned to pick up the non-stop barrage of bullshit that comes out of Jonny’s mouth.
TVGuideOnline (TVGO): Has the WWE called to sign up Jonny Fairplay as a new wrestler?
Original Jon Response: Maybe. Can't say. I'm not allowed to say. What do you think? How is that for an answer?
K5000 Translation: No.
TVGO: How about you and Burton as a tag team?
Original Jon Response: Maybe. I know I won't work with anyone else.
K5000 Translation: Well, if they actually call me, I'll suck c-ck in the middle of the Bronx if that's what they want. And to think, this time I’ll get paid for it.
TVGO: What did you hope to get out of Survivor? Did you want to be famous or just take on a challenge?
Original Jon Response: Oh no. Definitely fame. TV and film. I want to work with that Paris Hilton chick. I saw a video with her the other day, and I want to do something like that, hopefully.
K5000 Translation: Oh no. Definitely fame. TV and film. I saw a video with that Paris Hilton chick the other day, and it reminded me of a video I made with Roddy Piper where I was playing her role. I want to do something like that, just this time with me being on top.
TVGO: At least spring for color film instead of the night vision camera.
Original Jon Response: Maybe CBS will let me leave with a camera... I'll keep you posted.
K5000 Translation: I've already stolen a camera, so it's all good.
TVGO: Do you feel let down, now that the show is over and you lost?
Original Jon Response: No, I was the male Survivor 7 winner. And if you think about it, that is actually a little more impressive.
K5000 Translation: Well, you're interviewing me, right? I actually got my own made-up, wanna-be wrestling name to air on TV, right? I think I'm accomplishing my goals. I’m the talk of wrestling dirtsheet world, that has to count for something.
TVGO: Have any of your anti-female comments affected your dating life?
Original Jon Response: No. I have more ménage à trois.
K5000 Translation: No. I really didn't have one to begin with.
TVGO: Well, you did sleep in a tent with some cute girls.
Original Jon Response: Yeah. Quit talking about Rupert like that. Nice guys finish eighth.
K5000 Translation: Yeah. Quit talking about Rupert, though. After he left I wasn't able to s*** right for a month.
TVGO: Was your grandma upset that you lied about her death?
Original Jon Response: Nah. She is [pretty cool]. She's been married eight times.
K5000 Translation: Nah. She never saw the episode. She was on her back for her eighth husband.
TVGO: Was there any scheme you hoped to try that you didn't?
Original Jon Response: I did everything that I wanted to... except win.
K5000 Translation: I did everything that I wanted to... except win... and get laid.
TVGO: Are you mad at Lill for not choosing you to go to the final two?
Original Jon Response: Yes. Well, not really mad. She made one decision in the entire game. I hear next year, she's going to make two decisions. So I'm looking forward to that.
K5000 Translation: Yes.
TVGO: How did you feel about the Outcast members getting a chance to come back?
Original Jon Response: I thought they were great, because they voted with me. I said, "This is going to make for great TV." Every year on Survivor, there is a twist, and no one has any right to bitch. And no one bitched at home until [the Outcasts] got rid of Rupert. So screw 'em, I say.
K5000 Translation: I thought they were great, after they voted with me. At first, I said, "Oh s***, I'm f***ed." But every year, there is a twist, and since I wasn't the one voted off, I feel as though I didn't have any right to bitch. And no one bitched at home until [the Outcasts] got rid of Rupert. So screw 'em, I say. I'm the coolest, aren't I? Did I mention I know Jack Osbourne?
TVGO: How hard would it be for someone to top your "Most Hated Player" reputation?
Original Jon Response: No one can top Jonny Fairplay. I'm the greatest player that ever played the game. Richard Hatch can't hold my chalk... but I bet he'd like to.
K5000 Translation: No one can top Jonny Fairplay. I'm the greatest sleazebag to ever lie about my grandmother dying. Richard Hatch can't hold my chalk... although I wouldn't mind if he did.
TVGO: What three words best describe you?
Original Jon Response: Hung, hot, and humble.
K5000 Translation: Inadequate, average, and obnoxious.
TVGO: You made a comment at the reunion about Survivor: All Stars. Was that a clue you're going to be in it?
Original Jon Response: I'm not allowed to say.
K5000 Translation: I live my life as if I'm in wrestling. I know if I plant this seed now, it may actually grow. And please disregard all the rumors on the Internet that this show is already taped. However, being a representative of TV Guide, do you think you can hook me up with Sherman & Mr. Peabody? How about Samantha from Bewitched? That might work.
TVGO: Come on... are you allowed to hint?
Original Jon Response: I've proven that it is pretty easy for me to eliminate Rupert [who is also rumored to be in Survivor: All Stars], so let's see if I can go two for two.
K5000 Translation: I've proven that it is pretty easy for me to be so f***ing obnoxious, through years of watching professional wrestling. I was able to actually get on TV, and then get ridiculous amount of publicity, by being an complete idiot, so let's see if I can go two for two.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.