K5000 Results for Jan 17, 2004


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The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for the Week Ending 1/17/04

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon

Original Quote: "The (Bob) Sapp vs. Akebono match, which drew 54 million viewers, broke the record set in the 2002 K-1 Grand Prix of a 33.4 peak rating for the Ernesto Hoost vs. Jerome LeBanner championship match... it was the highest rated match in the history of the Japanese expanded pro wrestling world since the Muhammad Ali vs. Antonio Inoki did a 54.6 rating." - Wrestling Observer Newsletter, January 12, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Take a good look, ladies and gentlemen. And remember to ask all of your extra nerdy, geek friends (if you actually know any losers like this) that swear up and down that any Japanese match -- whether puro or joshi -- is better than anything any American wrestler could ever do, why in the 'history of Japanese expanded pro wrestling' are five out of the six people named NOT pro wrestlers? You may see a lot of really s***ty matches on the top three of the American kayfabe Nielsen ratings, but you'll never, ever see a Trinidad-De La Hoya boxing match ranked along side them. Gee, and the K5000 was always under the impression that those Aja Kong and Kenta Kobashi matches put people in rapture."

Original Quote: "Speaking of old wrestlers, Abdullah the Butcher, whose age is between 62 and 67... became the oldest (WWC) Universal champion, as he beat Carly Colon clean." - Wrestling Observer Newsletter, January 12, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Funny, we never hear crying that Abdullah is 'ruining his legacy' like we do when it comes to Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes, who are in their 50's, even though they are still a million times more entertaining, do we?"

Original Quote: "The feeling was that Nobuhiko Takada's book Nakimushi (Crybaby) didn't make nearly the impact on wrestling that a lot of people within the industry had assumed." - Wrestling Observer Newsletter, January 12, 2003

K5000 Translation: "GumGod.com proprietor, Derek Burgan, assumed that he could drum up interest in Nakimushi by doing a review of it for PWTorch.com. But, since the editor of that website wanted to see Derek's review of the WrestleCrap book before it was posted, then turned around and no sold it like the Undertaker taking offense from Matt Hardy for the past month, Mr. Burgan decided that it wouldn't be worth the time or effort. So basically, if you want to know why no one is reviewing a book that no one in their right mind would want to read in the first place, blame the Head Honcho."

Original Quote: "Marufuji took the highest backdrop since the heyday of Super Astro." - Dave Meltzer discussing the Hiroshi Tanahashi-Naomichi Marufuji New Japan U-30 title match, Wrestling Observer Newsletter, January 12, 2003

K5000 Translation: "One, what the f*** is a U-30 title? And two, are we sure that Meltzer married a female, and not some sort of blow-up Manami Toyota doll?"

Original Quote: "I think Ole (Anderson) needs a frontal lobotomy because he told my dad a few years later that the reason I never made it in Atlanta was because I smelled bad and that none of the other wrestlers wanted to work with me." - Bret Hart responding to Ole Anderson's book Inside Out, in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, January 12, 2003

K5000 Translation: "Who cares if it's true or not, the more books about the old days of wrestling that are written which can result in quotes like that are fine with the Kayfabulator."

Original Quote: "So why weren't there any quotes from the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter sent through the Kayfabulator this week?" - A GumGod.com target group question, after seeing the questions we were going to send through

K5000 Translation: "Because there was nothing of K5000 value in it. Again. Just reprint anything that James E. Cornette Guttman writes on the website and put it in there and it will immediately crank the quality of the sheet up 1000%. Is that so f'n hard?!"


Copyright 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.