The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for the Period Ending 2/27/04
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
We here at GumGod.com deeply apologize for the delay in getting out to YOU, the fine readers of this website,
your Kayfabulator 5000 translations. The GumGod staff has been working around the clock to repair the damage done to the machine that was caused by very not-sober staff members, IWC Rumble champion Mike Sempervive and Dr. Keith Lipinski, taking liberties with the machine.
Apparently Semp and the Doc decided that it would be "funny as a motherf***er" to put the names of Japanese wrestlers in the machine and see what the Americanized translations of them would be. After laughing way too much about Manabu Nakanishi equating to "Manbeast Knockers," the two then came up with the brilliant idea to put a bag of low-end marijuana into the machine to see if it would come out as "that fluffy, British Columbia ish."
Suffice to say, that didn't happen and as a result the machine went into a fit of coughing and refused to do any work unless it got a
huge supply of Mountain Dew and pizza and was able to watch the episode of Chapelle's Show that featured Rick
James and a block of Cartoon Network's "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."
In keeping with the fact that we are a professional wrestling based website, GumGod pledge Mike Roe was
suspended and Keith and Mike received raises. Why? Because as we've learned over and over in the wonderful world of kayfabe, you punish those who did nothing wrong, and reward the ones who did.
Original Quote: "Our goal is to use all available resources, from television to print to local guerilla marketing, to encourage fans that were, fans that are, and fans that will be to buy the pay-per-view and witness history for themselves." -- Kurt Schneider, WWE Executive Vice President of Marketing, Pro Wrestling Torch #798, Top Five stories of the week.
K5000 Translation: "In keeping with the traditions of guerilla warfare according to Mao Tse-Tung, WWE will use a structure of 'cadres' used to 'selectively terrorize' hardcore fans into believing that if they don't support the show, they will job Eddie Guerrero out to Hardcore Holly at the first available opportunity, use attacks and ambushes on internet websites to brainwash innocent people into believing that Chris Benoit has a "subpar workrate", and finally using a 'mobile war' approach that forces retreating wrestling fans into arenas across the country and forces them to view the standard 'C-show' cards that feature such matches such as Orlando Jordan vs. A-Train and Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty vs. The Bashams, completely breaking down the resistance of the fans, and finally forcing the weakened fans to repeat over and over that 'WWE was, is, and always will be the leader in sports entertainment.'"
Original Quote: "It is Guerrero's first major US-based World title and the first time a Latino has held a WWE World title." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #798, Top Five stories of the week.
5000 Translation: "This is an absolutely correct statement if you choose to forget that Pedro Morales -- who was quite the Latino favorite in New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington -- held the title for almost three years in the early-70's."
Original Quote: "There is only one entrance into the building combined with and the slow nature of being searched with the big crowd saw the place not fill up until nearly an hour into the show." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, February 23, 2004
K500Translation: "Dave Meltzer is pretty much the gold standard of kayfabe journalism, which would make you think he'd have enough money to get a proofreader by now."
Original Quote: "Management really feels they're onto something, that the new approach focusing on telling a story through mat holds in a dramatic context and consistent selling with highspots at 'just the right moments' is really working." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #798, WWE Newswire
K5000 Translation: "Management was thrilled when someone pointed out at a meeting that this new approach is the perfect excuse to not do anything with the deep and talent-rich cruiserweight division, and they could claim if confronted that the 'sawed-off jumping beans' just can't work the WWE style. When another member spoke up and said that Jamie Noble, Paul London and Ultimo Dragon could work the style very well, the person was demeaned by Vince McMahon until they burst into tears."
Original Quote: "Guerrero is believed to be the smallest WWE champion in history, and the first of Latino heritage." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #798, WWE Newswire
K5000 Translation: "Fool us once, shame on Wade. Fool us twice, more shame on Wade."
Original Quote: "Among the courses that (Jesse) Ventura is teaching (at Harvard) is 'How Professional Wrestling Prepares you for Politics.'" -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, February 23, 2004
K5000 Translation: "Ed Leslie is also teaching a course (at a community college) called 'How Professional Wrestling Prepares you for a being a Cocaine-using Subway Ticket Taker.'"
Original Quote: "He (Ernest Miller) also wasn't known for being dedicated to improving his craft in the ring, which worked against him especially lately with WWE pushing a more athletic, realistic style over the showy style that Miller is most adept at." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #798, WWE Newswire
K5000 Translation: "WWE also released Chris Kanyon who was known for being dedicated to his craft in the ring, and working an athletic, realistic style. He was also known to be very professional and popular in the locker room, but since he has a lisp he was declared to be of no value. Make sense? Of course it doesn't. Welcome to the world of
Original Quote: "Semantics aside, that's like someone bragging that they managed to lift a piano over their heads in an incredible feat of strength, but leaving out the part about dropping the piano on their head seconds later and crushing themselves to death." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #798, End Notes with Wade Keller discussing Eric Bischoff's defense of his actions while running WCW
K5000 Translation: "Okay, we'll ignore the fact that if the above were to happen that the person couldn't talk about anything because they'd be dead, and just give Wade credit for getting off a good line, and somewhat forgetting about the second screw-up of forgetting about Pedro Morales as the first Latin heavyweight champion."
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.