The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for the Period Ending 4/8/04
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Unfortunately, we have turned over the reins of the machine's operation this week to GumGod veteran, Mike Sempervive. Why him? We don't know either, but we felt as though we had to do something with the f***er, as he's been here for two years and his main accomplishment has been taking up space on the office couch ala Steven Wright's character in 'Half Baked' -- with the exception being that Wright occasionally had something of value to add to the proceedings. You might know Mike as “the girly voiced guy” from the Puroseu Power Hour.
Anyway, because of the past couple of emotional and hard-charged weeks that have happened in the world of wrestling, Mike said he was hesitant to throw anything inside the machine because he feared that the results may be too much for his sensitive feelings to bear. After reminding him that the K5000 doesn't have 'sensitive feelings,' nor does it have any other type of human emotions other than anger and spite, everything was back on track and these were the results that followed. Enjoy!
Original Quote: "Mike Belew's Wrestling Eye did that in 1987 or 1987." -- Wade Keller, interviewing Bill Apter for the 7th part of a Torch Talk, Pro Wrestling Torch #800
K5000Translation: "Seriously, how many of you had a flashback to the movie 'Fletch' while reading that last quote?" (Editor’s Note: Fletch? We’re going to need a K5001 soon to translate the answers from the K5000…)
Original Quote: For this one we actually threw the entire Torch Talk, from Torch issue #801, that Wade Keller had with ROH's Gabe Sapolsky into the Kayfabulator to see how many times the lines 'I don't know,' or other variations of being unsure of what the hell is going on in that company were uttered.
K5000 Translation: "12. 12 times. You know, sometimes it's better to say nothing at all in times of tension, then to sound shit-shocked to a group of loyalists who are looking for firm stability out of their choice of passion. And for Gabe's own good, we decided not to send the comparison to 9-11 through. Gabe, please, unless the entire roster and 2,500 fans die in a tragedy, don't ever, ever, use a 9-11 comparison again."
Original Quote: "Queers marrying -- so they think. Illegitimate. Illegal." -- Ultimate Warrior on his website, 3-1-04.
K5000 Translation: "Illegal, just like steroids in the 90's. Funny how those who preach the loudest often do so to deafen the ears of others. One wouldn't want the uninformed they speak to, to be able to hear what indiscretions that the preacher himself may have done in the past."
Original Quote: "I am aware that some priests and preachers have been accused of similar activity, but that does not mean I will not go to church. Church is not about the preacher, but the people." -- A.J. Styles in a press release throwing his support behind Ring of Honor
K5000 Translation: "He then added, '…except for them sweet faggots, we don't like their kind.' And by the way, A.J., many of those men of cloth aren't just accused. They're guilty."
Original Quote: "(Ron) Killings then suplexed M.S. and scored the pin. After the match (Shane) Douglas gave M.S. an evil stare." -- Wade Keller's NWA-TNA PPV Report, 3-17-04
K5000 Translation: "Finally. It's good to see that professional wrestlers are fighting a crippling disease such as multiple sclerosis with some enthusiasm! TNA is now the greatest M.S. advocate since that girl Jerry was on The Facts of Life."
Original Quote: "Due to professional differences, the Insane Clown Posse, Rude Boy and 2 Tuff Tony have officially severed all ties with NWA-TNA." -- A statement on the ICP website, 3-16-04.
K5000 Translation: "That has to be the most oxymoronic statement, in so many ways, of 2004.”
Original Quote: "(Mike) Tenay interviewed Vince Russo, the new Director of Authority. He came out to really corny electronic synth music obviously created on Soundtrack that just didn't fit him. It seemed like entrance music for Laser Tron." -- Wade Keller's NWA-TNA PPV Report, 3-17-04
K5000 Translation: "Thanks a ton, Wade, for putting that thought in TNA's head. Considering that WWE has been able to get ample mileage out of Chavo Guerrero Sr., it wouldn't be that big of a shock to see the Jarrett family circus bring back Hector in Tron form. Maybe we can really lucky and see a reformed team with the Boogie Woogie manJimmy Valiant as well."
Original Quote: "And the irony of all is that (Jose) Gonzalez is, some 15 years later, still a top babyface on the island, now in the promotion run by (Bruiser) Brody's best friend on the island, Victor Quinones. Quinones until this past year, noting doing so this year would be in bad taste, ran Thanksgiving tours to honor Brody's name." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, 3-15-04.
K5000 Translation: "What's the sadder part of this? A so-called friend of a murdered man hiring his assassin to make money off of, or the so-called friend having the cajones to honestly say that he feels that running a tour named after his dead so-called friend, with the guy who murdered him, would be in bad taste?"
Original Quote: "Raven said Russo doesn't want his as champion because he wears a skit and make-up and is dysfunctional." -- Wade Keller's NWA-TNA PPV Report, 3-17-04
K5000 Translation: "And the March edition of the 'Dave Meltzer award for confusing and typo filled run-on sentence' goes to...."
Original Quote: "Victoria strapped Molly into a barber chair so she couldn't escape and shaved her caballera." -- Dave Meltzer, WWE WrestleMania XX online report, 3-14-04
K5000 Translation: "God damn it, Dave. Just say it! Her HAIR! She shaved her f***ing HAIR!!!"
Original Quote: "Video Review: Ring Of Honor 'War of the Wire' 11/29/03 by Wade Keller" -- Pro Wrestling Torch #800
K5000 Translation "Yeah, Derek Burgan COULD do it, but..."
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.