K5000 Results for Apr 23, 2004


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The Kayfabulator 5000 Special PuroresuPower.com Edition!

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon

We here at GumGod.com would like to apologize to YOU, the fine, upstanding readers of this website the delay in getting out to you the results from this week's Kayfabulator 5000. We've had some internal fighting over the most recent results which have come from our fabled machine when GumGod boss man (and a damn handsome man) Derek Burgan decided to throw an entire professional wrestling based website into the translator for the very first time.

He decided to throw the Japanese-based website, PuroresuPower.com, into the K5000 to see what would happen. Burgan and the site's creator, Zach Arnold, have had an ongoing conflict when Arnold took offense to this site's "The Passion" parody starring Bill Goldberg, and laid a shot at our founder on his website. At the request of Dr. Keith Lipinski and Mike Sempervive, who are employees of both GumGod and PuroresuPower (in its fine radio show form) and are looking for a peaceful resolution to the conflict, Burgan and his band of loyal Burganites had been able to take the high road and not reduce to mudslinging and... Oh, who the hell are we kidding? Enough of this nice-guy, bulls***! Let's get to the translations of someone who doesn't know what the definition of a parody is and thinks that we're all inferior to his massive Japanese-influenced brain.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we present to you Zach Arnold…

Original Quote: "Here's a clue for Mr. PR (Gabe Sapolsky) - you owe it to not only your fans but also your wrestlers to be truthful and not have a flippant attitude." -- Zach Arnold, on one of his rants against Ring of Honor.

K5000 Translation: "It's funny as hell to watch Zach get up on his high horse and show his own flippant attitude about ROH, it's fans and Rob Feinstein (who has still not been charged with a legal crime) while intentionally ignoring the fact he comes off as a slimy hypocrite for continuing to support businesses built and run by the violent yakuza. (As well as being a sycophant for ROH's lead guy, Samoa Joe while trashing the fans for doing what he purports to do -- "support the wrestlers.") Let's see, the father of Japanese wrestling Rikidozan, stabbed to death in a nightclub in Tokyo by the mob. Pride's president hangs himself under mysterious circumstances a few years ago. MMA message boards buzzed about another Pride executive possibly 'conveniently dying' this past January. K-1's figurehead is a tax cheat who violated a court order. Akira Maeda shatters Riki Choshu's eye (and could have possibly injured him far worse) by shooting on him for no reason and he continues to thrive for years after. Antonio Inoki is as big of a jerk as Vince McMahon, if not more for the fact that he forces wrestlers into MMA matches where they could get killed, and he continues to be covered by Arnold with little outrage. A quote on Arnold's webpage sees him gleefully post April Hunter's comments about being taken out to eat by the Japanese Mafia, but yet Arnold doesn't lead his crusades against any of them. Yep, everyone who stays loyal to the wrestlers in ROH is slime, but as long as you cover a Mafia-controlled business it's different. Because the Mafia only murders, rapes, money launders, assaults, and is involved in drug dealing and prostitution (including children). Be proud you've taken the high road Zach! You sir, have the market cornered on honor!"

Original Quote: "Why doesn't someone back up the Brinks truck for me and let me promote Sacramento." -- Arnold, begging like a goof for money on his website.

K5000 Translation: "This is so common a theme on his site that the RaveX download package for the Extreme Warfare Revenge game has the slogan for Arnold's website saying, 'Watch puro. Send me five bucks.' Good work, panhandler! You have a legacy to be proud of! (Well, that and being destroyed on Dave Meltzer's radio show and being exposed as a two-faced fraud.)"

Original Quote: "After spending a legitimate 30+ hours this week working on the radio show, it will go online later today." -- Arnold showing the amazing workhorse ethic which comes from being a eunuch trapped in your mom's basement.

K5000 Translation: "One hour for every person listening. Wow. 30 hours of editing for 3 hours of show. Either the show sucks, or your work as a producer does. And you're very dignified in the way you beg for sponsors. That'll get 'em to come running!"

Original Quote: "Why is it now that the excuse is used that because WWE is the only big American wrestling promotion that whatever they push on wrestling shows is the way wrestling in North America is defined as now?" -- Arnold, on his webpage whining about Mick Foley and Randy Orton's match being praised as a match of the year candidate, when FMW, IWA-Japan, and W*ING matches were looked down upon.

K5000 Translation: "Why is it a Japanese wrestling geek can't come to grips with the fact that WWE is not only the face of North American wrestling, but pretty much wrestling on the entire planet, whether they like it or not? And also, why is it that Arnold made up this statement about 'the excuse being used?' No one with half a brain would say something that dumb and retain credibility. You are basically insulting everyone that read that by calling them sheep that flocks behind Vince McMahon. Just because you hate WWE, and are obviously oblivious -- unlike most wrestling fans who are online and who may have stumbled upon your garbage -- to the fact that Ring of Honor, NWA-TNA, CMLL, and other indy promotions also help to provide an idea to the rest of the world about what happens in North American wrestling. Let's see your buddy Samoa Joe who wrestles in Japan and works for New Japan? From ROH. Amazing Red was in Japan, right? He was seen in TNA and ROH. You interviewed Ace Steel, right? He worked Japan. TNA and midwest indys. You also interviewed Shawn Hernandez, right? Texas indys and ROH. Havana Pibulls? CMLL. A.J. Styles and Jerry Lynn have been to Europe a bunch, right? Yep, the only perception anyone has is about North America is WWE. Everyone is blind and you have given them light. Good work, Zach!"

Original Quote: "Suddenly 'garbage wrestling' is used to 'elevate' Randy Orton and people want to proclaim that as a 'wrestling' match?" -- Zach Arnold, still crying.

K5000 Translation: "No, legendary 'Mick Foley' as legendary alter-ego 'Cactus Jack' used relatively harmless thumbtacks (as opposed to florescent light tubes, scorpions in fish tanks, electrified cages, and shards of broken glass everywhere) and a gimmicked barbed wire bat as a 'shock device' (like Magnum T.A. driving a chair into the head of Tully Blanchard in a fit of rage at Starrcade '85) in the first time WWE has done it in 'several years' to blow-off to a long-running, 'highly entertaining' angle that used great 'psychology' to 'elevate' Randy Orton in a great 'wrestling brawl.' It's the exact same thing he did with Triple H several years ago, but nice try with the 'suddenly' bit anyway. And yes, there have been a handful of good Japanese "garbage matches" -- same as in the States -- but the large majority of them were/are just that, garbage without purpose. But thanks for trying to point that out to the unwashed masses, Zach. It's amazing how smart the guy thinks he is, but he has no clue how to get a job and make money so he doesn't have to beg for it on his website like a junkie on a street corner."

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.