K5000 Results for Jun 2, 2004


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The Kayfabulator 5000 Results for 6/2/04

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon

Original Quote: "Not only did Indy Promoter X not like Ring of Honor, but he started in with the sort of rant normally reserved for targets like rookie wrestlers and ex-wives. Since I had finally found someone, anyone, who didn't care for Ring of Honor, I stopped Mr. X and started looking around for a tape recorder so we could record this argument for posterity." -- Pat McNeill, "Has ROH gone as far as it could go?", Pro Wrestling Torch #810.

K5000 Translation: "Go figure. A indy promoter who doesn't care for Ring of Honor. INCONCEIVABLE! He ranted? SHOCKING! It probably wouldn't have anything to do with that success thing that always seems to drive the rivals (everyone not ROH) of the successful company (ROH) crazy. And what's up with this one, "Since I had finally found someone, anyone, who didn't care for Ring of Honor, I ...started looking around for a tape recorder so we could record this argument for posterity."? Ring of Honor has had as many critics as they've had fans over the course of their short existence. Although, Mr. McNeill may not have known that as he, and the Torch, have only realized ROH was a wrestling company since late, late 2003.

Original Quote: "Damon 'The Dog' Perry, who might actually be Todd Grisham, opened the show with Matt Hume." -- Bryan Alvarez, "Bushido boring again," Figure Four Weekly~! #466.

K5000 Translation: "He might be. Or, he might be Mauro Ranallo, who has broadcast every Pride North American pay-per-view sans the one that Perry did. Hey Bryan, YOU F---ED UP~!"

Original Quote: (which technically is the translation of an original quote:) "Hey Bryan, YOU F---ED UP~!" -- Kayfabulator 5000, Previous question.

K5000 Translation: (which technically is the translation of a translation of an original quote:) "But not as much as you did by inviting DEREK BURGAN~! to do this week's WWE SmackDown! review for the newsletter. Rumor has it Dr. Keith Lipinski's word count record is in jeopardy."

Original Quote: "That knockout punch is going to make him think about that knockout punch." -- Matt Hume, during the Kazuo Misaki win over Jorge Patino "Macaco" at Pride Bushido III, May 23, 2004.

K5000 Translation: Other gems from the Yoda-like Pride judge included, "(Ricardo Almeida was) reaching down in his (Ryo Chonan's) crotch area to try an elevate him", "There is a weight difference in this fight" (as 6'5", 275 pound, Alexander Emelianenko stood next to 5'9", 220 pound, Matt Foki) and repeated blabbering about needing a "stopwatch" to judge fights, as the judges who were there got two major decisions wrong."

Original Quote: "The plan to feature a six-sided ring and innovative lighting setup ...should help catch people's eyes and send the message that these (NWA-TNA) wrestlers are superstars worth paying money to see..." -- Wade Keller, "Cover Story," Pro Wrestling Torch #810.

K5000 Translation: "Because everyone flipping through the channels has at one time or another stopped on a station and said, 'God damn it. Look at that innovative lighting setup.' And as far as the Toryumon ring goes, it's worked wonders for AAA on Galavision -- a stronger network with more regular viewers, and better wrestling time slots -- hasn't it?

Original Quote: "Konnan told friends in the TNA locker room that he may be asked for his release because he was offered a spot as a Spanish announcer in WWE." -- WWE Newswire, Pro Wrestling Torch #810.

K5000 Translation: "We think it may say something when a man will leave a company who is just about to "go national on TV," to instead be seen on one out-of-every ten televised broadcasts. And, to top it off, when he is shown he'll be screaming, '°Ay carumba! °Nuestro anuncie la tabla!' "

Original Quote: "Jerry Jarrett underwent a four-and-a-half hour quadruple heart bypass surgery on 5/21 after a heart attack scare two days earlier..." -- Wrestling Observer, May 31, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "Jerry Jarrett underwent a four-and-a-half hour quadruple heart bypass surgery on 5/21 after he passed the f-ck out when he was told that TNA Impact will be aired consistently on Fridays at 3 PM EXCEPT for wrestling-strong regions like Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington, which will air the shows if there aren't any replays of "Late Night Poker," or the penis enhancement infomercials that feature Ron Jeremy."

Original Quote: "Actually the solemn nature (of stories on Pat Tillman) makes for better cover to forward then popularize these insulting-to-the-human-race views. For small ideas have no shame and small and non-thinking people with hyperactive emotions donít analyze ideas so much as they just absorb them; sorta like a run-out-of-glucose diabetic desperately needing his simple sugar fix, itís not the quality of the sugar, itís just that you get some." -- The Ultimate Warrior, commentary on the coverage of Pat Tillman's death.

K5000 Translation: "Let's all congratulate The Anabolic Warrior for once again breaking out his thesaurus to completely bore us all by dressing up a very common opinion from the far right on any random topic, with an excess of words, and stooping to the levels of those he criticizes by using arrogance, an overblown sense of self-worth, and typical cheap shots in attempt to give the impression that he has been blessed with superior mental powers."

Original Quote: "The fitting burial for Tillman would have been an Olympus-high funeral pyre, unabashedly mounted aside Zeus, embodying the classic, heroic grandeur which Mr. Pat Tillman, even in these degenerate, decadent modern times, lived. Itís too bad that our culture doesnít have the soul he did." -- More Jim Hellwig

K5000 Translation: "Nah, it's actually "too bad" that on Memorial Day Weekend, the Warrior chose to do exactly with this story what the "liberal" mainstream media has been criticized most for. Over-celebrating the accomplishments of one man, when there are so many other American heroes, in the past and the present (you know, the degenerate modern times) who have passed on giving their lives for this country, and deserve equal footing even though they didn't play in the NFL -- especially this past weekend. It's also "too bad" that you chose a weekend of remembrance to use a dead heroís name in your continued quest against the media and culture you disagree with. A majority of our culture very well may not have the level of soul that he did, but at least they have one."

Original Quote: "While the Puerto Rico-based World Wrestling Council, also known as Capital Sports, one of the oldest, and in it's time, most successful promotions in history, has been in bad shape for some time, an announcement on 5/25 was ominous." -- Wrestling Observer, May 31, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "It announced it had a new show named Impact that will be debuting on Fox Sports Net on June 4."

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.