The Kayfabulator 5000
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
We apologize to YOU, the fine readers of this website, for the delay in
latest results from the famed Kayfabulator 5000. Usually, we have a story of great woe that has impeded our
progress, but this time there's none. We've just been preoccupied. Maybe we've
been distracted because we're eagerly awaiting the release of the Sealab 2021 DVD, or maybe it's because we're
busy listening to the PuroresuPowerHour where a drunk Don Frye scares the shit out of Dr. Keith Lipinski and Mike Sempervive or, more likely, it's because all of our passion for professional wrestling has been sapped dry during the build up for the epic known as "WWE presents the Great American Bash." Whatever it is, we just haven't been feeling sassy enough to feed the beast known as the Kayfabulator -- but that all ends right about....
Original Quote: “The negotiations for the stock purchase were with Silken and Feinstein, which shows Gentry was just holding Feinstein’s stock and had never actually purchased it. The current hold-ups regard non-compete clauses. Feinstein and Gentry want to start there own promotion, although not immediately.” Pro Wrestling Observer June 21, 2004
K5000 Translation: This confirms the speculation that Rob Feinstein has been planning to bring back the concept of Mat Rats, although we had heard at first it was to be an Apartment Wrestling Fed that you usually see advertised in the back of certain Gentlemen’s magazines.
Original Quote:”Sid Vicious, now 43, who hasn’t wrestled since January 14, 2001, when he suffered one of the worst looking injuries ever on a wrestling television show when his leg snapped on the WCW sin PPV, made a surprise appearance on the 6/12 in Montreal for the Internet Wrestling Syndicate promotion before 300 fans…The wrestlers backstage said he was behaving kind of strange. Vicious’ goal is said to be to return as a full-time wrestler in the WWE by Christmas.” Pro Wrestling Observer June 21, 2004
K5000 Translation: The man who attacked Arn Anderson with a squeegee acting “strange”? Inconceivable!
Original quote: "He said the U.S. Title should be his, but as a French person, he doesn't get upset, he gets even. Dupree told Dupree that he is a far better lover than a fighter." -- Wade Keller's review of the Great American Bash, June 27, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "Settle down you freaks looking for some hot Dupree on Dupree action, it's a typo. And speaking of freaks who hate the thought of hot Emil on Rene action, we bring you..."
Original Quote: "He probably knows less than a high school player because he hasn't played in so long," -- Ty Parten, former NFL defensive lineman on Brock Lesnar's NFL chances, in an ESPN.com article.
K5000 Translation: "Football knowledge. Strike one."
Original Quote: "If it was legal and I wouldn't get in trouble, I'd pick a fight on every street. If I wouldn't lose any money or nothing, I would fight. I'd fight every day." -- Brock Lesnar saying all the right things in a mainstream setting in that ESPN.com
K5000 Translation: "Off-field risk factor (and brain power, as he could do that legally in Pride for much more money). Strike two.
Original Quote: "I don't like gays. Write that down in your little notebook. I don't like gays!" -- Lesnar, setting a GumGod record by being the man to form two special stables: Joining Vince McMahon and John Bradshaw Layfield to form the Holy Trinity of Men who Don't Get Along Well with Cable Networks, and also joining the Ultimate Warrior, A.J. Styles and Bill Watts, thus forming the Four Horsemen of Tolerance.
K5000 Translation: "Public relations nightmare. Strike three. See you back in about 24 months, big guy! Get ready for Vince revenge matches against Scotty 2 Hotty and Mordecai!"
Original Quote: "Linda McMahon revealed during an investor's business conference call on Tuesday morning that Tough Enough would be returning as a weekly part of Smackdown." -- Top Ten Stories Of The Week, Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter #814.
K5000 Translation: "McMahon said the company came up with the decision after asking themselves, 'How can we possibly make Smackdown worse?' "
Original Quote: "Top Ten Stories Of The Week" -- The front page of the Torch #814.
K5000 Translation: "Then why are there only five stories then? Is this like that Jun Akiyama math in Japan that dictates each of his title defenses count as one-third?" (We here at GumGod would like to apologize for the K5000’s constant reference to the most obscure of Japanese wrestling minutia. This is what happens when replacement parts are made by Sony.)
Original Quote: "A strange one was Columbus, OH, which did an 0.0 the second week, falling from 0.31 for the debut. This is probably more an example of ratings not being accurate than nobody in that city watched the show." -- TNA's Fox Sports Ohio rating, Wrestling Observer Newsletter, June 28, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "After actually seeing show number one, the Kayfabulator 5000 isn't going to bet against the latter."
Original Quote: "(Emelianenko) Fedor didn't even look at (Kevin) Randleman during the
stare down. Both men looked tentative early. (Quinton Rampage) Jackson took him down. Fedor went to stand up, but Jackson got behind him and gave him the most terrifying German suplex I have ever seen right on top of his head." -- "Men beaten senseless all weekend long", Figure Four Weekly~! # 470.
K5000 Translation: "Oof. After this, and the Perry/Ranello mistake, someone please tell Bryan's Friend Vince~! and Bryan's Friend Craig~! to stop handing Bryan's Self Bryan~! shots of Absolut when he writes and proof-reads the Pride reviews."
Original Quote: "With being bantered," today we you hustle! It is noisy! We when being born from, is this appearance! "With you opened and were repaired. The mouth to abuse dirtily, the two great men who are continued. Seeing GM which it combines, spoke that! "Plain gauze lap!" -- What happens when you put the Pride/Zero-1 "Hustle" show results through an Internet translator.
K5000 Translation: "Oh. We thought it was the new Ultimate Warrior commentary."
Original Quote: "In a setback for Shelton Benjamin, his broken hand is expected to keep him out of action for at least a month." -- Jason Powell, "The Powell Report" (PWTorch.com), June 26, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "And down from the mountains blew a stiff and cold breeze of apathy...Say hi to Test for us, will you Shelton?"
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.