The Kayfabulator 5000
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Original Quote: "Joanie Laurer did a concert at a small bar in Los Angeles last night called Barfly. There were about 100 people three, most of whom came up for autographs after the show. When asked if she was going to wrestle again, she looked down at the floor and mumbled something incomprehensible." -- WrestlingObserver.com headlines, July 2, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "Actually, the former Chyna was looking at the floor and mumbling: 'God damn it, Sean, wake up and put some pants on! You're embarrassing me again!'"
Original Quote: "Monday morning, (Chris) Jericho was inducted into with Manitoba's Order of the Buffalo Hunt, one of the province's highest awards. Created in 1957, the Order honours individuals and groups who have made an impact on life in Manitoba. Mother Theresa and Archbishop Desmond Tutu have also received the award." -- "Wrestling star honoured by city, province", CBC's online service, July 5, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "It seems the Order honours anyone that knows where Manitoba is on a map. How did Desmond Tutu make a direct impact on Manitobians? And something just doesn't seem right about Jericho's name -- whose height of popularity came when he'd call Stephanie McMahon a 'bottom feeding, trash bag, ho' -- being next to Mother Teresa's."
Original Quote: "The original Black Scorpion was Al Perez... But when he discovered that he'd have to get beaten at the end of a storyline, he backed out -- even though nobody knew who he was to begin with." -- Ric Flair, in his autobiography, "To Be The Man."
K5000 Translation: "David Von Erich. Gino Hernandez. Kerry Von Erich. Terry Gordy. Chris Adams. Michael Hayes. Ultimate Warrior. Perez. Why does it seem that a high percentage of the guys, with some of the worst f'n judgment, at one point or another had a stint in World Class?"
Original Quote: "Quit complaining. I've had more stitches in my foreskin than you've had all over your f**kin' body." -- Wahoo McDaniel to Flair in "To Be The Man," after accidentally slicing his eyelid.
K5000 Translation: "We're hoping that was just a figure of speech, and not a sign of what Wahoo liked to do with masochistic ring rats he'd pick up after the matches. In other news, not to be out-done by the late Chief, Steve Corino has reportedly started masturbating with razor blades in his hand."
Original Quote: "Ric Flair never liked drugs, and I think there was a reason for this. You didn't need drugs when you were with Ric Flair. Ric was the drug." -- Hugo Savinovich, in Ric Flair's autobiography, "To Be The Man."
K5000 Translation: "Upon hearing this, Roddy Piper immediately went to Charlotte with a gigantic E-Z Wider, rolled the multiple-time world champion up in it and smoked him while screaming, 'Why didn't you tell me this 25 years ago?!'"
SPECIAL DVD-ONLY ALTERNATE TRANSLATION: "Upon hearing this, Roddy Piper immediately went to Charlotte with a gigantic razor blade, chopped the multiple-time world champion up into five huge lines and snorted him while screaming, 'Why didn't you tell me this 25 years ago?!'"
Original Quote: "There's a difference between being a great performer and being a guy -- like Brutus Beefcake or the Ultimate Warrior -- who became famous because he happened to be working for Vince. It's the same with (Mick) Foley." -- Part of Ric Flair's "receipt" to Mick Foley, "To Be The Man."
K5000 Translation: "Ugh. Leslie and Hellwig = Foley? Well, it was going pretty well up until that point. And we guess Mick deserves some sort of payback for the dig that he got in when he wrote Have A Nice Day. Hopefully, Naitch doesn't talk about anyone else who may have had cross words for him in the past..."
Original Quote: "...It seemed to be that Bret (Hart) cared more about getting screwed in Montreal than he did about Owen's death, and he used his brother's tragedy to grind his ax with Vince." -- Part of Flair's "receipt" to Bret, "To Be The Man."
K5000 Translation: "Uh oh..."
Original Quote: "Far above and beyond anything else Flair said, it is his comment about how I exploited my loving brother Owen’s death that is unforgivable. Frankly, this is such a low class blow that it is even beneath him! If he wants to take pot shots at me as a wrestler that’s bad enough, but it is reprehensible that he would judge me for the way I handled myself in the aftermath of my brother’s death..... Foley, (Randy) Savage and Bret Hart have been doing just fine outside of the world of wrestling. What else has Ric Flair got? I’d like to punch Ric Flair right in the nose - but I’d probably have to kick somebody in the ass to do it! In the infamous words of Dick Cheney, go f**k yourself Ric and be glad that someone like me doesn’t shove your head squarely up your ass someday." -- Bret Hat, responding to Ric Flair's comments, July 12, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "It is the Kayfabulator 5000's official recommendation that Ric Flair never, ever show his face in the province of Alberta -- or anywhere in Canada for that matter, unless he wants to recreate that unfortunate Owen experience with he in the role of the Blue Blazer and Bret playing the safety harness."
Original Quote: "(Antonio) Inoki has been pushing for New Japan's re-advance overseas, as in his day New Japan traveled around the world, and the name "Inoki" was known in many places..." -- From a
news piece on Puroresufan.com, July 13, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "Usually, in this form: 'God, Antonio Inoki is an a**hole.' And "traveled" is spelled wrong. No, it has nothing to do with anything. We're just saying is all."
Original Quote: "...Could a day come when the names "(Shinsuke) Nakamura" and "(Hiroshi) Tanahashi" are known in other countries?" -- The following line from above on Puroresufan.com, July 13, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "No."
Original Quote: "...Now that DirectTV is TNA-less, this awesome responsibility of watching and more importantly reviewing the show for the fine readers of the F4W~! falls on my shoulders. Man, even doing it on bi-weekly basis with Puroresu Power Hour partner MIKE SEMPERVIVE~!, I am so severely
f-cked…" -- Dr. Keith Lipinski, GumGod gynecologist, Figure Four Weekly~! #474.
K5000 Translation: "You're f***ed? Imagine how the paying readers of that newsletter now feel. Those two goofs doing anything besides fixing pina
colada's for Bryan's friends Craig~! and Vince~!? INCONCEIVABLE!
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.