K5000 Results for Aug 30, 2004


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The Kayfabulator 5000

"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon

We here at GumGod.com would like to apologize to YOU, the fine readers of this website for the delay in getting out the newest results from the Kayfabulator 5000. You see, we've been struck by Olympic fever recently. How could one not? The riveting story of Iraq's soccer team. The even more riveting story of tall chicks playing volleyball on the beach at the birthplace of modern athletic competition. Martina Navratilova, at the age of 46, going for doubles tennis gold while simultaneously trying to figure out how she can "console" her felled young opposition in a matter that doesn't conflict with any conservative Greek laws. Sadness over exciting double trap shooting having it's last hurrah as a medal sport. The US men's basketball team, who are just slightly more technically sound than the And-1 Streetballers that are seen on ESPN, doing the country proud by not being arrested for any misdemeanors after getting embarrassed by Argentina. Dave Meltzer rushing to put out an issue listing every single Olympian that's ever heard about professional wrestling or mixed martial arts. Yep, we're enthralled with it all, and that's been the reason for the delay. Well, that, and the fact we've been rolled up in the fetal position -- puking all over ourselves like a heroin addict quitting cold turkey -- ever since realizing we've shelled out over 200 bucks, in less than three months, for TNA, Bad Blood, The Great American Bash, Vengeance and SummerSlam....

Original Quote: "You have to remember this followed the Divas Dodge ball segment, which in hindsight, was even worse than it looked to be. Internally, there seemed to be the feeling that the crowd came to see crazy spots and were unhappy when the style was toned down. At least that's how the company seems to have interpreted last night." -- WrestlingObserver.com, talking about the Canadian crowd making the JBL-Undertaker match their own personal playground at SummerSlam, 8-16-04.

K5000 Translation: "Read the above quote again, and continue to read it over and over until you grasp how incredibly stupid the creative brain trust of WWE is right now."

Original Quote: "Undertaker's opponent following SummerSlam will be John Heidenreich. McMahon is said to be sold on Heidenreich..." -- WWE Newswire, Pro Wrestling Torch #820, August 7, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "This was just in case you couldn't wrap your brain around the first one."

Original Quote: "The one caveat -- starting from Sunday, the ratings numbers for the Olympics have decreased. The 8/16 numbers were ugly, with Japan vs. Argentina in Field hockey only drawing a 4.6 on NHK." -- PuroresuPower.com, 8-17-04.

K5000 Translation: "It is a smaller country with a much smaller census count, but how funny is that number -- for that level of sport? Not funny? How about when you think about it in comparison to TNA Impact drawing an 0.18?"

Original Quote: "We can make recommendations and it's up to a lot of times the creative team and I'll be honest it's chocolate and vanilla... It comes down to what they want to put on television and that everybody tries to make it work." -- Jim Cornette, when questioned by Blake Norton of the Bagpipe Report, on how WWE takes guys from OVW.

K5000 Translation: "As you can see, Cornette tried his best to be the good son. What never made it to air, though, were his original feelings on how they do things: 'You think I know what the f*** those goofs are doing? I have no clue. Those motherf***ers have no clue, so how the hell am I supposed to know? F***ing idiots. You know who else is a f***ing idiot? That bald headed little goof, Rick Bassman. And so is Wade Keller. I hate those motherf***ers, and if you two are listening right now, f*** you and I hope you get dropped from an airplane, soaked in gasoline, into a big fire pit in front of your families. Now where was I?...' "

Original Quote: "She talked about pro wrestling being a sexist business, saying that women are hired on their looks and not ability, and admitting she's benefited from it." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, talking about Sable's interview with the Fort Worth Journal Gazette, August 16, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "If that's the case, then just shut the f*** up and quit. Don't talk, just take your hypocritical old ass back to the guy that looks like he's two spots before "Man" on the evolutionary chart, and spend the rest of your sagging silicone days watching his non-playing football ass get blown off the ball every time it's snapped."

Original Quote: "(Sean) O'Haire is also attempting to get into UFC." -- Wrestling Observer Newsletter, August 2, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "Uh, Sean, have you seen Chuck Lidell or Randy Couture? Stick to competing for The Family Guy's 'Merle Haggard-I Kissed my Sweetie with my Fist' award."

Original Quote: "There was a huge article in this morning's Los Angeles Times on Steve Austin and ex-girlfriend Tess Broussard... Austin brought George Vrabeck, his business manger, to be a witness as Matro's in Beverly Hills... Austin claimed (ex-Tess) Broussard told her that she didn't want to break up, and according to Austin, she picked up a streak knife and tried to stab him, and Vrabeck jumped in and they fell to the floor with Vrabeck bleeding badly from a stab wound in his left arm. Vrabeck's bodyguard then handcuffed Broussard to a chair. Broussard... claims she was lured to the restaurant for the purpose of them setting her up on a fabricated assault charge, claiming Vrabeck stabbed himself. She claimed Austin had threatened to screw her over if she didn't drop her lawsuit against him... The day after the incident, Austin went to Barry Bloom and hired a crisis management p.r. team. Broussard in the story claimed Austin had a drinking problem, while Austin claimed she drank and took pills to excess. She claimed Austin forced her to take the pills. He claimed he wanted her out but she claimed he wanted her to stay. There were also quotes from a rock band guitarist who claimed he saw Broussard point a gun to Austin's head at a party at their house, and she also hit him, scratch him and throw a fit at one of their concerts." -- WrestlingObserver.com, 8-17-04.

K5000 Translation: "Wow, this is just an unbelievable story! Who knew that business managers have bodyguards?!"

Original Quote: "The contrast between the use of (Alex) Shelley in TNA and Shelley in ROH is another one of those glaring examples of how different the two promotions are." -- Wade Keller, TNA Roundtable Review, PWTorch.com, 8-12-04.

K5000 Translation: "ROH showcases Shelley in good matches to hundreds of people who have heard of ROH, and TNA televises Shelley being GoldyLocks' boy-slave to hundreds of people who order TNA. Different promotions, same results."

Original Quote: "Nuevo Laredo tonight has a chain match with transvestites with Pimpinela Escarlata (Dusty Rhodes' favorite Luchador) vs. Sexy Francis..." -- WrestlingObserver.com, 8-16-04.

K5000 Translation: "The bell time is at 8, with the doors to the New Jersey governor's mansion opening at 6:30."

Original Quote: "At this time I just want to thank everyone who I have talked to over the last few months who still support me... When you are on top people like to bring you down." -- Rob Feinstein, from his online live journal, 7-28-04.

K5000 Translation: "Actually, after you appear as the focus of an ignorantly planned out sting on online sexual predators who like paying house calls in the company Lexus, complete with business name on the license plate, that's when people want to bring you down."

Original Quote: "...(T)he promotion held a free show at the ECW Arena in Philadelphia, PA on 8/11/01. They drew a huge full house based on the fact that they were using mostly ECW names in an ECW stronghold..." -- A story on former MECW promoter John Collins being jailed for 71 months, PWInsider.com, 8-11-04.

K5000 Translation: "No, it was based on the fact it was a free show."

Original Quote: "The following is part one of a multi-installment 80 minute Torch Talk interview with Honky Tonk Man." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #820, August 7, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "You have to be f***ing kidding us. What, the make-up girl that painted Kamala's torso wasn't available? How about part 26 of the Samoa Joe Talk? What nugget of knowledge could Wayne Ferris possible give us?"

Original Quote: "Doing a job on TV to (Randy) Orton would hurt my indy value." -- Pro Wrestling Torch #821, August 14, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "No, being the Honky Tonk Man hurts your indy value. Didn't Harley Race and Mick Foley play the fool for Orton? Oh well, if you think you'll be penalized by only being able to get 40 bucks to appear, instead of the usual 65, you do what you have to do."

Original Quote: "In the main event of Saturday's Ring of Honor event, Austin Aries defeated Bryan Danielson in a match that lasted nearly 80 minutes... those who remained gave the wrestlers a standing ovation and chanted 'Match Of The Year...' " -- Top Five Stories of the Week, Pro Wrestling Torch #821, August 14, 2004.

K5000 Translation: "A gimmick match goes way too long between two guys that only hardcore fans care about in the ring of a company that only hardcore fans care about. And it gets a M.O.T.Y. chant? INCONCEIVABLE!"

Original quote: "Danny Daniels has issued a challenge to Jimmy Jacobs for costing him the chance to become the 1st ever NWA Iowa champion." -- No Limits Wrestling press release.

K5000 Translation: As a result of the match, the NWA Iowa ratings now look like this... Champion: Jimmy Jacobs 1. Anyone down on their luck enough to actually come to Iowa for a shot. 2. Danny Daniels 3. Honky Tonk Man"

Original Quote: "Cirque du Soleil" -- A reference used by Derek Burgan in PWTorch, and F4W~! lackey Mike Sempervive in their recent wrestling reviews.

K5000 Translation: "The only balls this website has left are really made of gum, as Derek and Mike's testes were cut clean off and placed nicely in the pocketbooks of their women, right next to the whips marked 'pussy.' "

Copyright 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.