The Kayfabulator 5000
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
We apologize to YOU, the fine readers of this website, for the delay in getting out the newest translations from the Kayfabulator 5000. Yeah, yeah, we know. We lied about that whole "We'll never be late again" thing that we said the last time the translations took forever to be seen by the masses. But if it makes you feel better, we do have an excuse.
Yeah, yeah, again, we know. But you should see what goes on here at the offices of the Chewy and Delicious GumGod.com when it comes to our K5000 technicians. Mike Sempervive walked off the job several months ago when proprietor Derek Burgan refused to trade LaDanian Tomlinson and Atlanta's defense for Jeff Garcia and Ricky Williams in fantasy football. Due to prolonged exposure to SmackDown, Dusty Giebink has grown so numb to wrestling he just walks around headquarters mumbling "Jesus, Kenzo, Heidenreich" over and over again. Harry Simon was eaten by Pat McNeill. And with the success of The Death of WCW and Tributes II, Matthew Aponte has been trying to piggyback it by writing a book entitled, WWF? No Es Bueno! -- The Rise and Fall of Savio Vega and Los Boricuas. So the only answer left was Dr. Keith Lipinski -- until Keith issued this press release last week...
"A lot of my goals and dreams have come true in 2004, however I have a new project I'm very thrilled about.†I will be an MC and announcer (along with working on creative) for the Windy City Rollers.†An all female roller derby team in Chicago.†My first night with the company will be THIS FRIDAY NIGHT~! at their first annual Holiday Jingle Brawl..."
Everyone thought Keith booking anything besides a stay at the Mustang Ranch was bullshit, until it was pointed out that one of the special activities for the show was "Hair-Shaves for Charity!" What does that mean? We don't know. All we know is that despite all of this serious strife, we can now present to you, the Kayfabulator 5000 translations, and they'll never, EVER be late again.
Would we lie to you?
Original Quote: "Pro Wrestlers Be Strongest." -- Title of New Japan Pro Wrestling's 10-9-04 show.
K5000 Translation: "This is why you never call Booker T for advice on naming one of your big shows. Although, the irony of having a shoot fighter defending the company's title in the main event is not lost on us. And how strong be pro wrestlers? So strong that everyone who saw the awful 2-minute main event (Kaz Fujita dropping the company's title to Kensuke Sasaki) has ripped the company to shreds. New Japan has joined with WWE in thinking that it's smart to take booking ideas from the The Death of WCW book. ____________________________________
Original Quote: "Americaís Most Wanted defeated Kid Kash & Dallas. Interesting side note, Kid Kashís theme music is PANTERA~!ís walk, which used to belong to RVD in ECW...Ē -- Bryan Alvarez, reviewing TNA on FSN's "BDSSP", Figure Four Weekly~! #492 (11-29-04)
K5000 Translation: "And what do Kash, RVD and Pantera also have in common? All their careers are pretty much shot."
SPECIAL DVD-ONLY BONUS QUOTE: Derek Burgan upon hearing about the death of Pantera founder and guitarist, Dimebag Darryl: "Who the f#ck is Dimebag Darryl?"
Original Quote: "The only reason Iím bringing this up is I have to ask what ever happened to those awesome BURGER KING~! commercials? Maybe people were creeped out at the Burger King being in your bed and offering a sandwich with MEAT AND CHEESE~! after violating you." -- Alvarez, later in the same F4W~! review as the previous translated quote.
K5000 Translation: "Wow, if you're a teenage girl, there's no difference between the Burger King and Jerry The King. And this may also explain the relationship between Bryan and Bryan's Friend Vince~!"
Original Quote: "(Scott) Hall looked like an aging wino, which is what he is." -- Dave Meltzer reviewing the 6-man tag at TNA's "Turning Point" 12-5-04 PPV, Wrestling Observer Newsletter, December 13, 2004.
K5000 Translation: "Hall responded to Meltzer by slurring "I know I am but what are you?," before throwing up on him, fondling Sara Lee the ticket taker, and passing out in a bathroom stall."
Original Quote: "Backstage I was told (Randy) Savage looked 100 years old. I thought he didn't look a day over 60, although he did look older then Lou Thesz did when I saw him at a show in 1996 when Lou was 80." -- Meltzer speaking again about the previously stated 6-man tag at "Turning Point."
K5000 Translation: "You know a match is painfully bad when Dave Meltzer is able to fire off multiple zingers when discussing it, while also sneaking in a Lou Thesz reference."
Original Quote: "Last Night at Turning Point - "Best Match Ever!" -- The title of a NWA TNA press release hyping the Triple X - AMW cage match at the 12-5-04 PPV.
K5000 Translation: "Jeff Jarrett on top, Hall, Nash, Savage, DDP, Piper, Douglas, Dusty and Dustin, Disco, Konnan, Skipper, Russo, colorless cruiserweights, a cool black heavyweight who is made cooler because everyone else is a geek, hemorrhaging someone else's cash reserves, and hyperbole for the show that includes the words, 'Best Anything Ever.' Tell Alvarez and Reynolds that WCW continues to find life after 'Death' in Nashville. As you cringe when you look at your bank accounts during this holiday buying time of year, just remember that Panda Energy has actually taken several million dollars and let Jerry and Jeff Jarrett wipe their asses with it. MERRY CHRISTMAS~!"
Original Quote: "...And letís face it, I have to be honest, we all know this, Iím not that smart of a guy in the first place. Iím an American too and Iíve even offended MYSELF..." -- Pride Fighting Championships' Rampage Jackson in a Sherdog.com message board about talking on the phone during the National Anthem at Pride's 10-31-04 "High Octane" PPV.
K5000 Translation: "Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson, who would actually be the Rock, if the Rock's DNA was crossed with Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force."
Original Quote: "'If these kids can get anything out of me -- whether it's not to be a bully or to stay in school -- then that's a plus,' (Ron) Simmons said... He urged them to share stories of bullying and why it was wrong." -- A story on the former Farooq, "Former wrestler urges kids to go for the mat for school," in the Macon (Georgia) Telegraph, 12-11-04.
K5000 Translation: "Simmons then told them how far bullying will get them by recalling how much money he made by beating the living shit out of anyone that management or the other wrestlers felt deserved it."
Original Quote: "Believe it or not, I would have kept A-Train" -- Bruce Mitchell, on Wrestling Observer Live, 11-28-04, explaining that if you have to have†a big, tall guy it's better for it to be Albert than Heidenreich.
K5000 Translation: "Proving that all of the Pro Wrestling Torch members have fallen prey to the mesmerizing way that the fuzzy man-beast known as Albert has stumbled through his illustrious career."
Original Quote: "Yutaka Yoshie celebrated his 10th anniversary as a wrestler today..." -- Puroresufan.com, talking about the New Japan wrestler, 12-9-04.
K5000 Translation: "And the rotund fan favorite celebrated by jerking the curtain in a tag match. Congratulations and best of luck on making it to lower midcard status by 2010."
Original Quote: "Elijah Burke, 26, was a corrections officer in Jacksonville, Fla., where he was two-time Guns and Hoses champion." -- From a story on OVW, "Getting ready to rumble: Tomorrow's WWE superstars learn the ropes here," Louisville Courier-Journal, 12-5-04.
K5000 Translation: "Yeah, it could be a toughman-like fighting competition between police and fire units, but you know you'll always suspect that it could be a gay men's oil-wrestling championship. And, if you think that (and we know you do), doesn't it make the picture that the story used look really damn disturbing?"
Original Quote: "(Mike) Bucci used to wrestle as a comic-book superhero named Nova. In typical piece of OVW-style tinkering, he recently reinvented himself as a dashing fitness guru named Simon Dean. He serves up the persona on Monday nights. Stick a fork in him. He's "Raw." -- Another disturbing quote from the translated story above.
K5000 Translation: "Not 'Raw.' Just 'Done.' We're waiting on Stephanie McMahon's bubbly and obnoxious personal trainer, 'Muffy' -- who was used exclusively on Sunday Night Heat -- to begin managing Bucci, thus burying his career quicker and allowing him to win the Mordecai-Man's Man Award for Epic Failure of an Obviously Shitty Gimmick."
Original Quote: "In the main event, and the BEST WORLD TITLE MATCH IN RING OF HONOR HISTORY--- SAMOA JOE successfully retained his title, now entering his 19th MONTH as CHAMPION--- over AMERICAN DRAGON BRYAN DANIELSON in 39:16 via chokeout submission...." -- Paul Sosnowski, "Ring of Honor report 10-2 Philadelphia," WrestlingObserver.com, 10-3-04.
K5000 Translation: "Which one of these things just doesn't belong here? Which one of these things just isn't the same ? Dave Meltzer, Wade Keller, Bruce Mitchell, Karl Stern, J. Michael Kenyon, Paul Sosnowki. And WHAT'S with THIS style of TYPING?"
Original Quote: "...I have been in attendance for many great matches in ROH history but I have not been this emotionally invested in a match since London-Dragon 4/12/03 the 2/3 falls match. The crowd heat was insane, rooting with all their hearts for both men. Simply a fantastic match, I would rate it at 4 1/2 ****." -- More Sosnowski, WrestlingObserver.com, 10-3-04.
K5000 Translation: "This makes us wonder if the 'Star Wars Kid' has moved on to a career attending Ring of Honor shows. How overdramatic was that? And what kind of overdone rating is that? So if you're rating it 4 1/2 4-stars, does that mean the match was an 18? And if it was so fantastic, then why take off that 1/2 point? How about telling us those little details next time instead of your emotional investment, asshole."
Original Quote: "Joanie is an international celebrity with a huge fan base and we are very confident that this video will be immensely popular... Itís clear that there is symmetry between the fans of professional wrestling and consumers of adult entertainment..." -- David Joseph, president Red Light District adult video company, in a 12-3-04 press release to hype the Chyna and Sean Waltman sex tape.
K5000 Translation: "Well, at least the latter-part of that statement is undisputable."
Original Quote: "Triple H has been a fixture on RAW for almost a decade, but this is when it all began. The Game made his RAW debut in a match against John Crystal. Did the Cerebral Assassin get his RAW career off on the right foot?" -- WWE.com hype for it's jukebox feature, which this month features Triple H, including a match from 5-22-95.
K5000 Translation: Scratch December 7, 1941 off the list. When the WWE ends up sinking down the road we can look back on May 22, 1995 as a day that will live in infamy.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.