The Kayfabulator 5000
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
We here at GumGod.com would like to apologize to YOU, the fine readers of this website, for the delay in getting out the most recent results from the Kayfabulator 5000. Yes, after nearly a six-month hiatus, we here at the world leader in chewy deities believe we have finally put our fabled machine back to work doing what it's supposed to do: translate mysterious happenings in the world of professional wrestling into a straight-forward accounting of the facts.
Now, some of you may be asking, "What was the Kayfabulator doing for the past several months?" Actually, we have no idea, either. All we know is that Big Bossman
Burgan (yes, unbeknownst to him, he is known as Triple B around the GumGod.com
fake-powder cappuccino machine) went ape shit at the last staff meeting,
screaming and demanding that everyone "get off their sorry asses and get the the Kayfabulator
working again." Of course, it wasn't lost on most of the staff that Burgan made this statement via web cam from one of Larry Flynt's Hustler Clubs, as his cronies Lipinski, Aponte and Sempervive were in the background bidding on which one of them got to towel off the winner of the "Sloppy Puddin' Wrasslin" finals.
All the while Dusty Giebink kept buying Mike Roe time in the "champagne room"
with the money he stole from petty cash.
Anyway, just to appease
Paul Derek, we promised to get the
Kayfabulator back online. The first attempt by our supposed "tech support"
person failed miserably as he ran a bunch of old government papers from the
1970's through the K5000 and the machine's translation claimed some guy named
"Mark Felt" and not Linda Lovelace was Deep Throat. Clearly, that nerd had no
idea how to fix our high tech K5000. It wasn't until we found Derek's criterion
collection Ready to Rumble DVD crammed in the K5000's 5 1/4" floppy disc
drive that we finally got the the machine working again...
Original Quote: “The Fox Sports Espanol Lucha Libre replay starts next Sunday at 6 p.m. Eastern according to their listings, not the 5 p.m. that was originally on the schedule.” – WrestlingObserver.com, May 30, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “And if we’re running on Mexican time, the show should actually begin around 7:40. ZING~!”
Original Quote: “There are many theories regarding how Jarrett held onto the belt for so long despite so much second guessing within TNA over whether he was the right person to be the flagship of the promotion.” – “Cover story: AJ Styles wins World Hvt. Title, then renews contract with TNA,” Pro Wrestling Torch #862, May 21, 2005.
K5000 Translation: "Really? There are multiple theories behind Jeffy’s three, long, NWA title reigns? The Kayfabulator-5000, while modest by NASA standards, is still advanced enough to debunk any TNA theory that doesn’t orbit around the fact that the Jarrett family has owned a varying portion of the company since its inception, and taught the Carter family everything they think they know about professional wrestling. Besides, there are some advantages to the King of the Mountain going on championship hiatus…”
Original Quote: “As was expected, TNA has canceled its scheduled May 31 TV tapings in Orlando due to having no television outlet since the deal with Fox Sports Net ends with the Saturday night airing. As noted earlier, there will be a PPV show on June 19 even though there will be no more TV shows after this week to promote the show. There are matches, including the main event that had not been completely announced as the TV tomorrow will still push a mystery final man in the King of the Mountain match.” – “TNA cancels Tuesday tapings,” WrestlingObserver.com, May 27, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “Even with it being common knowledge that there’s no TV (and no, even if they sign a deal, WGN does not count as actual TV), how long before A.J. Styles is blamed for not being a ratings draw, and dragging down the PPV buyrate, before the title goes back on Jeff? We say no later than July 17.”
Original Quote: “Pro-wrestling amazon Nicole Bass sent her hubby to the corner — cowering in fear — yesterday after going on a boozy bender and beating him up, then biting the hand of a cop who came to his rescue, police and the husband said. ‘She started to hit me. I was afraid,’ her husband, Robert Fuchs… ‘I said, 'Please.' I'm 57, I've had three heart attacks, I can't afford this.’ I was afraid for myself. There's no way I could touch her. She's 230, 6’2, she knows how to box, she's a southpaw, and she's a pro wrestler. There's no way I could go near her. She'd kill me… She actually punched me a few times. She threw about four shots into my chest," he said.” – “Muscle Woman Mayhem,” New York Post, May 30, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “So much material, so little time.”
Original Quote: “Fuchs said his nightmare began after his feisty, 40-year-old wife — who suffers from severe pancreatitis— had trouble filling her prescription for the painkiller Oxycontin.” – “Muscle Woman Mayhem,” New York Post, May 30, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “An ex-pro wrestler who’s a little shaky without the feel good pills? INCONCIEVABLE! Although, we are surprised to learn that severe pancreatic problems are a side effect from sex changes.”
Original Quote: “I've enjoyed the Viscera segments the past two weeks.” – Wade Keller, “Keller’s Take,” PWTorch.com, May 24, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “Finally, I have a suitable replacement for my fuzzy, man-beast crush. Good riddance, Albert. Hello, Big Vis! Now, where did I put the rest of my crack…” ____________________________________
Original Quote: “New WWE 24/7 launches June 1 on Cox Digital Cable San Diego and on Cox Digital Cable San Diego.” – Cox cable company press release.
K5000 Translation: “Come see WWE 24/7 where the history of professional wrestling is cherished and respected, just before we tell you that if it wasn’t for Vince McMahon, the anti-establishment ECW would never have been able to survive, and WCW would never have died such a pathetic death – a second time.”
Original Quote: “I loved watching ECW back in the day.” – Michael Cole, WWE Judgment Day pay-per-view, May 22, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “The Kayfabulator isn’t certain whether or not that
statement was meant to make people who missed the ECW-era excited to order the
show, but Michael Cole (who, unfortunately, you can’t kill because then we’ll
have Josh Matthews on play-by-play) feigningly professing his love for ECW
should have been the first clue that the Vince < Paul < Eric segment on Monday would be so painful.”
Original Quote: “I am pleased to announce that as of last week, we will now be offering this newsletter through e-mail.” – Reverend Dr. Bryan Alvarez, Figure Four Weekly~! #518, May 30, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “This should excite the fan base of the newsletter, whose subscription list directly mirrors the dozen people listed in the “Special Thanks” section each week.”
Original Quote: “Kevin Lawler, the son of Jerry, was arrested Monday night for burglary. A woman says she saw him in her house with his pants down and he was asleep on her pillow wearing nothing but a red tank top… It is believed that on the major news station, WMC-TV, that Dave Brown, the weatherman who spent decades as a local wrestling announcer and who has known Kevin for years, said he didn't believe Kevin would do something like that and they didn't run the story.” – Dave Meltzer, WrestlingObserver.com, May 25, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “Because there’s no history with naked bodies, burglary, and by the sounds of the story, drugs/alcohol in the Lawler/Christopher family that would suggest anything like that ever occurring. Although, you can’t criticize Dave Brown too much as he probably figured the same thing we all did when we saw the “Lawler arrested” headline: “I wonder what Too
Stupid Sexay did now?”
Original Quote: “Never have I had security actually physically push people out of the line. Seriously, of the 7 people in my group, two of my buddies, AND MY 51 YEAR OLD MOTHER were physically pushed out of the line while trying to take pictures of Hogan. This was absolutely the worst display of an autograph signing I've ever seen, and if it weren't for the fact that I finally met Hulk Hogan after chasing him for close to 22 years, this trip (an 8 hour trip at that) would have never been worth it.” – John Sig, “Second, Negative Hulk Hogan Signing Report,” PWInsider.com, May 28, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “Now that your lifelong dream has been fulfilled, it’s time to take you around back and shoot you, as we can’t have anyone who obsesses to that degree after Hogan reproducing any time soon. Oh, and don’t worry, we’ll take care great care of your mom for you.”
Original Quote: "Nobody of any sense would drink or take what I did, it's not a normal thing to do… Anything you gave me I would have done it, especially near the end. I was shooting stuff up and swallowing stupid amounts of anything and it all seemed quite normal… I've paid for it health-wise but it could have been a lot worse. I should be dead." – William Regal talking about his past drug and alcohol abuse to the British paper, The Sun, May 27, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “Just change the author’s name, and that could be almost any book written by a professional wrestler who started within the last 30 years.”
Original Quote: “You Wouldn’t Understand.” – A poster promoting the ECW: One Night Only PPV.
K5000 Translation: “Yes, we would. We remember the InVasion perfectly.”
Original Quote: “The troupe will perform it's trademark ‘death match,’ in which lighting is used to create the appearance of a bloody battle between the grapplers, as well as flamboyant maneuvers by Big Japan's female wrestlers… With a particular interest in social welfare, Big Japan has invited as many as 70,000 disabled children and children living at welfare facilities to its events. ” – Indonesia Tsunami Relief Portal (Indonesia-Relief.org), May 26, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “This is just what a poor, devastated country needs to boost its spirits. An ultra-violent, ultra-bloody, piss-poor wrestling promotion offering special cheer! Check out that quote: ‘in which lighting is used to create the appearance of a bloody battle.’ ARE YOU SHITTING US? Shouldn’t that read ‘in which lighting tubes are used to create a bloody battle’? Have fun trying to explain to the 70,000 disabled kids why a healthy human being would use its position at the top of life’s food chain to mutilate themselves in Flaming ropes, Barbed-wire board, Light tube, Circus, Scorpion, Cactus, Chandelier, Drum, Trampoline, Second Floor Violence, Death Matches.”
Original Quote: “DDP is gone for the time being. There were various issues, including the fact that he balked at doing a job for Monty Brown at the PPV…” – Figure Four Weekly~! #517, May 23, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “For someone that the general public really doesn’t give a shit about, that guy has been around way too long. Note to anyone in a position of authority that has anything remotely to do with professional wrestling: No matter how nice of a guy one of your friends is, if they’re a no-dick that sucks, then they suck. Hoping for one fleeting moment of success, especially when the first one they had was purely from attrition, is moronic. Don’t try to bring them back and force them down people’s throats. It will just be painful.”
Original Quote: “Jason Powell proposes an Edge vs. Matt Hardy WWE feud.” – A tease on the cover of the Pro Wrestling Torch #861, May 7, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “See previous translation.”
Original Quote: “Extended F4W~! Book Review: Frank A. Gotch, World’s Champion Wrestler” by Mike Sempervive” – Figure Four Weekly~! #517, May 23, 2005.
K5000 Translation: “See previous translation(s), and add in that he uses a GumGod.com e-mail address, even though he has written nothing for this website since it began. A$$HOLE~!”
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.