The Kayfabulator 5000
"English!" - Vincent Kennedy McMahon
The Kayfabulator 5000 was recently sent an email that Tracy Smothers wrote to esteemed Pro Wrestling dirtsheet auteur, Dave Meltzer.
As all attempts to “translate” Smother’s email ended with the K5000 short circuiting,
the GumGod technicians worked "around the clock" (that's nearly forty-five
minutes of uninterrupted work in the world of tech geeks who's EverQuest
characters have high maintenance EverQuest "girlfriends") to upgrade the
venerable K5000 with a brand new module, the Simulated High
Intelligence Transmutation™©® module (aka, the S.H.I.T.). Below is the original email from Smothers, followed by the
world premiere of the K5000's new S.H.I.T. response:
First of all Dave, who's never been in the ring, or more than likely been in a real fight in his life, or done anything athletic period, needs to get his facts straight when it comes to talking about me or anything else he writes or talks about when it comes to our business that he leeches off of.
I was a four sport letterman in high school in football, wrestling, baseball and golf. Not that I was any super great athlete because it was a small school and everyone played every sport because they loved it. I went two years to Carson Newman College on a football and wrestling scholarship. I only played football because I couldn't keep my grades up because academically it was #2 in the state to Vanderbilt. After my second year I wanted t pursue my dream of playing football, or trying to, for the University of Tennessee. I went home and went two quarters to Vol State Community College to get my grades up and applied to go to UT in the fall for school and to walk on to try and play football for UT.
It didn't happen because I met Steve Keirn and Stan Lane, who were then on fire as The Fabulous Ones in TN working for the Jarretts. It was always in the back of my mind, because I always loved watching wrestling growing up. After a year of bugging those guys they finally agreed to train me and train me well. After that I worked out in the ring every Sunday for 6 months with Tojo Yammatto, while holding a full time job loading trucks and wrestling 2-5 times a week on call for the Jarretts.
So when you print something, Dave Meltzer, you need to have your facts straight. You should kiss the ground that all the boys walk on in thanks that you are in our business because if it weren't for them you would not have made a dime. You never contributed anything that was good. All you ever did was knock everyone.
As I said before you've never been in the ring in your life and you never will. You know about as much about the wrestling business as I do making a nuclear weapon because you could never physically get in the ring and do it and never will. So you are bitter at the ones that do. You have criticized more guys, and for some reason people listen to you and some office people also, and have aided in causing guys to get fired, me included.
I can remember back in the day when you were first coming around. You would not reveal who you were to anyone because of what the boys would do to you physically. You had a good reason to be scared. I heard you saw Terry Gordy out somewhere in Japan back when he was on top and told him who you were. He took the sheet out of your hand, dropped it on the ground, and pissed on it, and then told you to write that in your sheet. That is the way that you and others who have criticized and knocked people in our business should be treated.
You know nothing about me, just what you've heard and whatever I have told you is what I wanted you to know. You will never know where I have been or what I have done outside of wrestling and you never will because you can't even fathom it. So kick back, watch some tapes and keep leeching off our business, which you and others have done who haven't sweat or bled a drop.
Oh, and by the way Dave I am 42 and will be 43 on September 2nd.
*** And now, for the first time ever, the K5000’s S.H.I.T. response "from"
Well, Tracy. I may not have ever been in the ring, or actually been in a fight, but don’t tell me I have a problem with getting my facts straight. Each weekly issue of the Observer ranges from 225,000 to 350,000 words of the smallest text still visible to the human eye covering pro wrestling and MMA all over the world, and rarely do I make a mistake. Even if I did, no one would know it was a mistake until I told them I made it. Many of the biggest names from around the world spend an hour a week going through the publication, but since you’re not a big name, that’s probably why you’re so bitter towards it. Sure, the newsletter doesn’t make me look like the most grammatically gifted person on the planet, but regardless, I’ll take being known as a leech in the wrestling business over being known as Freddie Joe Floyd, any day.
Let me tell you something about myself. I was a letterman in high school, too. Sure, it wasn’t for sports, but you have no idea how stiff the competition was at the San Jose School for the Arts. Let’s see you try and juggle being the editor of the school newspaper, top student-aide of the AV department, and program director of the morning announcements, all while fulfilling the school’s community service requirements by making sure that the part of the school that the retarded kids were hidden always smelled like fresh popcorn. I know you had to do community service as well, Tracy. But yours was after you did time for beating up the kid with the GED that you paid to take your entrance exam for UT, and ended up failing it. After high school, I began on my dream to become the publisher of the hottest, most-informative roller derby and apartment wrestling publication on the planet.
When I realized that those trends were already dead and buried, I had no idea what to do, and that’s when I met Pat Patterson, who was then on fire in San Francisco working for Roy Shire. It was always in the back of my mind, because I always loved watching wrestling growing up. After a year of bugging him, he finally agreed to train me and train me well. After several intense meetings with Pat that were used to test what kind of passion I had for the business, I discovered that his take on apartment wrestling was much, much different than mine.
After that I used connections from him to branch out my tape-trading collection into the empire that I am today. You know my catchphrase. C’mon, say it with me: “Okkkkaaaaay, we’re back on Wrestling Observer Live.”
So when you put something online, Tracy Smothers, you need to know just who you’re f*cking with. That’s right, I said it. I’ve covered every major star leaving a promotion, every major show, annual Awards and Hall of Fame issues, profiles and obituaries of every major star who has passed away or retired – which is the reason that you won’t have one. You, and the rest of the boys in the business, should kiss the ground that I walk on because when all of the years of abuse finally catch up with you, it’s me that keeps your legacies alive, even when your illegitimate kids that you had with the 16-year old that “crazy ‘ol night in Tuscaloosa” don’t care that you’re gone. And considering you only had one match really worth noting in your entire career – which was a TAG MATCH against THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, meaning all you had to do was not f*ck it up – you may want to step back and double-check your contributions. As wonderful as it was to see WCW try to make money with a Confederate flag draped team named for a .38 Special song in 1990, having an all-time ranking higher than the Batten Twins isn’t an accomplishment when you’re still three notches lower than the Kansas Jayhawks.
I may have never competed in a ring, and never will, but if you knew as much about making a nuclear weapon as I know about professional wrestling, you’d actually been able to make and save some money in some other profession, instead of dancing around like an idiot and begging for a 24/7 contract, dumb ass. I WORKED FOR THE F*CKING NATIONAL YOU ILLITERATE HICK! If you still can’t figure out why you got fired, here’s a few, quick reasons: You’re an older, ugly, un-charismatic, goof that
– minus your Appalachian KKK fan base – drew exactly $28 in your entire wrestling career.
I can remember back in the day when you were first coming around, too. You wouldn’t tell anybody who you were either, but that’s because your reputation as the Black Hole of Fan Reaction proceeded you. And that story about Gordy is true, but you forgot to finish it. Gordy then screamed “I f*cked Mokoto Baba!” at the top of his lungs, threw up on himself, and passed out face-first in his own urine - which is pretty much what should happen to you and others who criticize and knock people who report on the business.
You know nothing about me, just what you've heard and whatever I have told you is what I wanted you to know. You will never know where I have been or what I have done outside of wrestling and you never will because you can't even fathom it. Although, you should know that The Observer, in its 22nd year, has been the leading insider pro wrestling publication in the world since its inception, with thousands of readers in all 50 states, several random territories, 230 different foreign countries, all four poles, and the planet Neptune. So kick back, watch some tapes of your best career moments feuding with a plumber, and stay jealous that my approach to “leeching” off the business, worked better than your approach. It’s not my fault Lane & Keirn lied to you and said you’d be successful in the business. You should have known they just wanted your weed contact.
Oh, and by the way Tracy, I am Dave Meltzer. And that just has to suck for you.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.