WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!~!~!~!~ To be the man, well you know the rest and here at
GumGod, I’m still the man. The blue chipper, The black diamond, The ICON of
GumGod.com, Matt Aponte a.k.a. Da Notorious Big Matt Dawgs. Don’t let the imitators who float around here and shell out columns like Jose Canseco shells out names of people who are on the gas, fool you. Fact is, it is quality not quantity. No offense to Rickard, Roe and that other dude, Giebninkie, but the fact is if there was a Pulitzer Prize for wrestling parody websites, I would be the holder of it. Anyway, being the investigative journalist that I am, I have uncovered a scandal so huge, it is going to shake the foundation that wrestling is built on. I am going to break a story that will change the landscape of professional wrestling as we know it.
As many of you know, recently in the celebrity world, there was a scandal that took place. Some computer hacker recently hacked into the T-Mobile system and stole Paris Hilton’s phone book, online pictures, notes to self and e-mails. It just so happens that Paris isn’t the only celebrity that uses T-Mobile. Apparently my sources have come across some evidence which demonstrates that some of the most influential people in World Wrestling Entertainment are T-Mobile subscribers. In this column, you will see names and numbers from top WWE stars’ phone books as well as e-mails, text messages and photos. Trust me folks, you are going to be shocked and appalled at some of the “goings on” that are going on behind the scenes.
Please note that the numbers are blocked off in order to protect crazy fan boys like you reading this so you do not prank call them. However the names of the people are listed. Same with the text messages and e-mails.
The following text has come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Subscriber Jean-Paul Levesque.
To: GAMEisGod@(address deleted)
From: Naitch@(address deleted)
Subject: You’re the Man
Hunter, last night was fantastic. The stylin, the profilin. You the man brotha. You are a wrestling god. You are the best ever. You are the man. The god. The best ever. The king. The ruler. The most fantastic world champion of the last 100 years. You rule. Can I come over to your house later and mow the lawn champ? Throw out some trash. Anything?
To: Naitch@(address deleted)
From: GAMEisGod@(address deleted)
Subject: RE: You’re the Man
Naitch, it is a Sunday morning dude. RAW isn’t for another 36 hours. No need to ass kiss now. There will be plenty of time for that tomorrow when I see you. But, I have a little assignment for you. Since we have been doing this thing with Dave for the TV and all the 13 yr old marks from the net who know nothing about wrestling have been eating it up and thinking that I am “doing what’s right”, I need to find a way to swipe the rug from underneath him like I did Jericho, The Hardy’s, Van Dam, Booker, Benoit, Kane, Steiner, Goldberg and Orton. Anything you can think of would be a huge help. Talk to you tomorrow big guy.
The Greatest Champion Ever, 10 Time Champion and A wrestling God, The Legend, HHH
PHONE NUMBERS: (please note that these are not all the numbers in the phone book, just a snippet)
Laurer, “Psycho Joanie” – 310-555-(number deleted)
McMahon, Dad – 203-555-(number deleted)
McMahon, Declan – 203-555-(number deleted)
McMahon, Linda – 203-555-(number deleted)
Mistress Marissa – 203-555-(number deleted)
McMahon, Shane-O – 203-555-(number deleted)
Screech Steph – 203-555-(number deleted)
Schwartze....however you spell it, Arnold – 310-555(number deleted)
Bitch Ass Wesley – 212-555-(number deleted)
Zahorian, Dr. G – 717-555-(number deleted)
The following text has come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Subscriber Sho Funaki.
To: GuttmansFav@(address deleted)
From: SmackdownNumbahOne@(address deleted)
Subject: This Sucks.
The following text has come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Subscriber Tom Laughlin
A-1 steak sauce for Beulah
Buy a lap top
Call RF @ 215 891 9404
Favor for RF, Book ROH talent to get squashed on TV
Buy “Jesus Juice”
Joey Matthews~!~!~ call JR about MNM
Francine in NJ for Indy show, DON’T BE IN NY when she is here
Shane running ECW show, hire all non WWE ECW workers before that
Send Sabu flowers
NYWC show in Long Island
WWE in PA, ECW stomping grounds
Sabotage Ace so I can get Talent VP job
Talk to Stephanie about Ace’s bad roster moves
Go on diet
Book ROH talent to get squashed on TV
The following text has come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Subscriber Stephanie McMahon-Levesque
Bury Heyman to writing team
Bury anyone who opposes HHH (i.e. Jericho, Benoit, Orton)
Visit daddy and make him feel better, “any means necessary”
Further alienate Shane
Call V. Conte and Re-up on lotions. “Cream” and “Clear” for me and Hunter
Make sure I “forget” to renew Dwayne’s contract to make Hunter happy
Watch old “B” action movies this weekend
Think of new movie ideas for WWE films
Think of way to convince daddy that Hunter retaining at Mania is best for business
The following phone numbers have come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Subscriber Vincent Kennedy McMahon (please note that these are not all the numbers in the phone book, just a snippet)
Hogan, Monster – 813-555-(number deleted)
Canseco, Jose – 305-555-(number deleted)
Conte, Victor – 415-555-(number deleted)
Zahorian, Dr. G – 717-555-(number deleted)
The following text has come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Subscriber Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Demand raise from Spike TV for all of the hard work WWE does
HHH over Batista at Mania? Consider it.
Find nice young nurse to assist me at home while Linda works
Call Shane and berate him for not going to gym again
Call Hogan and continue mental game of chess
DO NOT PICK UP CALLS FROM LESNAR
Taker over Orton at Mania? Consider it.
Write some Poop jokes for Cena. Fans love that.
Push Masterpiece as a star. He can work.
The following text has come from the phone of T-Mobile Registered Amy Dumas.
To: U-think-U-know-me@(address deleted)
From: I-Luv-Luchadors@(address deleted)
Subject: I don’t know
Adam, I can’t keep giving you “rides” behind Matt’s back. He and I are an item. So what if I have done things in the past that would make Jenna Jameson blush. That was B4 V1. I Luv Him. I Luv U. I don’t know who I luv. I luv dogs and cats though. They are nice. Aye dios miyo.
To I-Luv-Luchadors@(address deleted)
From: U-think-U-know-me@(address deleted)
Subject: RE: I don’t know
Leets, listen sweetie. Don’t worry, Matt ain’t going to find out. He thinks he knows me. We will just keep “riding” on the road and you can “ride” with him in NC. Besides, I luv you. I wish I married you that warm September day instead of the b*tch I am married to now. Can you believe that just because she found those “pictures” of you when she was washing my tights, she got all mad and started asking all these questions. She even threatened to call Matt, like she would ever do that. Anyway, pick me up in Greensboro at the airport and we will go to the hotel and “work out” until we have to show up for work. I will be glad to show you some new “moves”. I also guarantee to make you tap when I hit you with the “spear” HAHAHA. Get it? That was all code for…….oh sh*t, the wife is coming. I will e-mail later.
Headlocks and kisses,
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.