Glengarry GlenRoss

 

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Pro-Wrestling Theatre invites Eric Bischoff

to give his interpretation of the killer speech Alec Baldwin gave in the movie “Glengarry GlenRoss”. Instead of salesmen, he is addressing the NWA TNA’s Jerry Jarrett, Jeremy Borash, Disco Inferno and Vince Russo.

Pro-Wrestling Theatre Proudly Presents: "Glengarry GlenRoss"
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Bischoff: Let me have your attention for a moment. ‘Cause you’re talking’ about what you’re talking about? Bitching about that TV you wrote, some son of a bitch don’t want to job clean, somebody don’t want what you’re selling, some ringrat you’re trying to screw, so forth. Let’s talk about something important (turns to Jerry Jarrett) Are they all here?

Jarrett: All but one.

Bischoff: Well I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. (looks at Jeremy Borash) Put that donut down. Donuts are for bookers. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from the Internet. I’m here from Matrats.com. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Borash?

Jeremy Borash: Yeah.

Bischoff: You call yourself a booker you son of a bitch?

Disco Inferno: I don’t got to listen to this shit.

Bischoff: You certainly don’t pal, cause the good news is you’re fired…again. The bad news is: you’ve got, you’ve all got just one week to regain your jobs starting with tonight. Starting with tonights TV. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s booking contest. As you all know first place is the Cadillac, you can use it to drive home after the shows. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is Missy Hyatt’s book. Third prize is you’re fired. (shocked looks from Borash and Russo) Do you get the picture? You laughing now? You’ve got the talent. The Jarrett’s paid good money. Get their names and book them. You can’t book the talent you’re given, you can’t book shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it cause you are going out!

Borash: The talent is weak.

Bischoff: The talent is weak? The fucking talent is weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business fifteen years.

Disco: What’s your name?

Bischoff: Fuck you! That’s my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight. I drove an eighty thousand dollar white humvee. That’s my name. (turns and points to Borash) And your name is your wanting. If you can’t play in the man’s game, you can book them, you go home and tell your blowup doll your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: get them to do the job in the middle of the ring. You hear me you fucking faggots? (At the blackboard) ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’. ‘A’, always, ‘B’, Book, ‘C’, Clean, always book clean. Always book clean. ‘A’, ‘I’, ‘D’, ‘A.’ Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention: do I have your attention? Interest: are you interested? I know you are ‘cause it’s fuck or walk. You book or you hit the bricks. Decision: have you made your decision for Christ? And action. ‘A,’ ‘I,’ ‘D,’ ‘A.’

Get out there. You got the marks coming in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money. (leans over Borash’s desk) Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it? (walks over to Disco) What’s the problem, pal, you Disco?

Disco: You’re such a hero, you’re so rich, how coming you’re coming down here to waste your time with such a bunch of bums?

Bischoff: You see this watch? You see this watch?

Disco: Yeah.

Bischoff: This watch cost more than your set design for those god awful Pay Per Views. I made $970,000 last year, how much you make? You see pal, that’s who I am and you’re nothing. Nice guy, I don’t give a shit. Good father, fuck you, go home and play with your kids. Great worker, say hi to Mike Sanders on the unemployment line for me.

I can go out there tonight, the material you got and write 2 months of TV. Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise. ‘A,’ ‘I,’ ‘D,’ ‘A.’ Get mad you son of a bitches, get mad!

You know what it takes to book wrestling? It takes brass balls to book wrestling. Go and do likewise gents. The angles are out there, you pick it up, it’s yours, you don’t, I got no sympathy for you.

You want to go there and book the talent tonight it’s yours. If not you’re going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you’ll be saying, a bunch of losers sittin’ around a bar: ‘oh yeah I used to be a booker, it’s a tough racket.’

(Walks back to Disco to get his gold Rolex) And to answer your question pal, why am I here? I came here because the Internet asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser. (Bischoff walks into the office with Jarrett)

 

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.