Wall Street


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Today, GumGod's Pro-Wrestling Theater recreates the famous “Greed is Good” speech from Oliver Stone’s Wall Street.

Vince McMahon will play the role of Chairman of the company in question (originally Teldar Paper, in this case it is the WWE) and Wade Keller will play Gordon Gekko.

Set at the WWE Annual Shareholders Meeting at Titan Towers.

Pro-Wrestling Theatre Proudly Presents: "Wall Street"

VINCE MCMAHON: Ladies and gentlemen, your wrestling ring is under siege from Wade Keller. WWE is played out to the limit, like some old Macarena tape. I strongly urge you to see through Mr. Keller’s shameless intentions to strip the company of all the large, untalented workers and severely penalize the fans who want Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash to return to prominence once again. I strongly recommend you reject his plan and vote in favor of management’s re-pushing of Billy Gunn and Test.

(Scattered applause from the crowd. Wade Keller gets up from his seat and moves to the front of the room where he takes a microphone.)

WADE KELLER: I appreciate the opportunity you’re giving me Mr. McMahon, as the internet’s biggest smart, to speak.

KELLER: Well ladies and gentlemen, we’re not here to engage in fantasy, but in political and economic reality. The WWE has become a second rate wrestling promotion. Its quality undercard deficit and cruiserweight push deficit are at nightmare proportions. Now, in the days of the Monday Night Wars, there was accountability to the fan. The McMahons…the McMahons….and….the McMahons made sure of it because it was their ass on the line coming off the heels of a federal trial. Today, their asses are no longer at risk! Altogether, these WWE writers sitting here own less than 3% of the wrestling knowledge and creativity in the country. And where does Mr. McMahon put all of his money and “genius”? Not in making good TV, he contributes fewer good ideas than the people that set up the catering tables.

KELLER: (Gesturing to audience) You own the company, you the fans, and you are all being royally screwed by these carnies with their renegade football leagues, their $10 million Florida condos, their pointless film divisions and their 12 minute bear hugs.

MCMAHON: This is an outrage! You’re out of line, Keller!

KELLER: WWE has 33 different people who are part of the booking process, each of them earning more than Paul London, Rico and Funaki combined. Now I have spent the last few months analyzing what all these guys do, and I still can’t figure it out.

(Keller chuckles, as does the audience.)

KELLER: One thing I do know is that our wrestling company lost 110 million possible match rating stars last year and I’ll bet that half of that came from all the Bob Holly pushes going on between these bookers.

KELLER: The new law in wrestling seems to be “survival of the un-fittest.” Well in my book you either do innovative high spots or you get eliminated.

(The WWE bookers are silent, with grim looks on their faces.)

KELLER: In the last 7 matches I’ve liked, there were 2.5 million smarks who have had a pre-clean finish enjoyment level of more than 12 billion rating stars.

(The audience applauds.)

KELLER: Thank you. I am not a destroyer of mid-card talents. I am a liberator of them!

KELLER: The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that workrate, for lack of better word, is good. Workrate is right. Workrate…works. Workrate clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the cruiserweight style. Workrate in all of its forms has marked the upwards surge of internet wrestling community happiness, and workrate…you mark my words…will not only save WWE, but that other malfunctioning company we call TNA. Thank you very much.

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.