The *Real* Conversation Between Court Bauer and Teddy Hart
by Natty Nate Eckstrom
The story goes that Teddy Hart proposed to bring former Ring of Honor owner Rob Feinstein to a show for his new H2 wrestling promotion. Feinstein's recent problems stemming from a TV news station pedophilia "sting" have made him persona non grata in most circles
and, as such, H2 head Court Bauer decided to call off the whole thing.
However, GumGod has learned that the Feinstein suggestion was only a small part of a larger discussion
Bauer and Hart had. What follows below is an unedited transcript of the phone conversation that GumGod acquired from what we would term "reliable
Court Bauer: Hello?
Teddy Hart: Hey Court, it's Teddy Hart.
Bauer: Teddy, I've been trying to get in touch with you for days.
Hart: God bless you Court.
Bauer: Uh, yeah. So where have you been?
Hart: Fighting Martians on Jupiter man. Bunch of jealous bastards is all they are. None of 'em can hit a stardust press and their takedowns are worse than C.M. Punk's.
Hart: What's that Court?
Bauer: Nothing. Anyway Teddy, I wanted to ask about this mystery person you talked about bringing to the first H2 show.
Hart: Yeah, I've got a great idea. People won't believe it when I bring
this guy in.
Bauer: Well, who is it?
Hart: Saddam Hussein.
Bauer: Teddy, he was captured by American troops last year in Iraq.
Hart: Really? God bless the guy, it's hot as hell over there.
Bauer: (sighs) Yeah, it sure is hot.
Hart: Yup, but nowhere near the heat we'd have gotten from the crowd if we had him at the show.
Bauer: Seriously Teddy, who's the mystery guy?
Hart. Okay, I think we really need to make a big splash for this first
show. We need something that people will be talking about all over the place as a great reason to see an H2 event.
Bauer: Yes, that would be a great way to kick things off.
Bauer: . . .
Hart: . . .
Hart: . . . what? Oh, God bless you Court, I just passed out for a minute there and woke up in a pool of my own vomit.
Bauer: Jesus Christ.
Hart: No, he's not available for the show, but don't think I didn't try.
Bauer: You been doing any back flips lately Teddy?
Hart: I don't know what you mean, but the big thing I want to do for the show is bring in Jack Evans.
Bauer: He's already scheduled for the show Teddy and he's going to be your opponent.
Hart. Of course he is, that jealous little prick.
Bauer: I'm failing to see the "big thing" here Teddy.
Hart: Right. The big thing will be that I'm gonna jump him after the match and lay a vicious beating on him.
Bauer: Alright, but where will it go from there?
Hart: Well, naturally, Jack's best friend will be furious and try to get revenge. God bless best friends, they'll always have you back.
Bauer: Who is this best friend?
Hart: Ha ha, that's a good one Court. It's gonna be Teddy Hart of course.
Bauer: What the?
Hart: Think about it Court, it's genius. Hart will come out after I beat up Evans and demand that he gets a match to avenge his friend. I'll refuse. Then Hart will get really pissed off and cut a shoot promo that he'll never work for H2 again unless he gets the match he wants against me. Then I come back with some comments about how he comes from a cursed family and he'd be lucky to lace my boots, let alone wrestle someone from the legendary Hart clan.
Bauer: Well I'll be damned Teddy, you've found a way to work an angle with yourself.
Hart: Neat, huh? And the coolest part is that Teddy Hart won't ever see it coming.
Bauer: Truth be told Teddy, it's the dumbest f-cking thing I've ever heard.
Hart: How's that?
Bauer: Um, for starters, how could you work a match against yourself?
Hart: There won't ever be a match Court.
Bauer: Then what the hell is the point?
Hart: To make people think Teddy Hart's a no good piece of shit for what he did.
Bauer: Gee Teddy, I just don't think we can do that.
Hart: What about using the guys from Battle Dome?
Hart: Roman Polanski?
Bauer: You don't even know who that is.
Hart: No, but I heard he gets heat like a son of a gun whenever he's around.
Bauer: Teddy, I'm afraid I'm having serious doubts about this whole venture.
Hart: What if we got…
Hart: How about…
Hart: I have one last idea.
Bauer: (laughs out loud) Sure Teddy, I guess one more won't hurt.
Hart: I could get Rob Feinstein.
Bauer: Goodbye Teddy, don't ever call me again.
Hart: God bless you pal, try to keep that jealousy in check okay? It's not good for you. Nobody will think you're sincere and we need sincerity to get H2 off to a running start.
Hart: I guess he's not happy. Wait until Teddy Hart hears about this.
Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.