Kurt Angle at WrestleMania


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Kurt Angle to wrestle main event at WrestleMania, entire IWC has egg on face

By Derek Burgan, PWTorch.com

PITTSBURGH (Reuters) - Kurt Angle, former gold medal Olympian and current WWE Superstar, informed the world today through his victory over Brock Lesnar at the WWE Smackdown tapings that he would indeed be wrestling the main event at WrestleMania. This single event caused the entire Internet Wrestling Community, consisting of an estimated 10 million fans, to look like complete idiots.

“To say this is an outrage would be an understatement” said Pierce Noll, a self professed “smark” based in Tampa who claims to have spent over 10 hours on Internet chat boards discussing the WWE’s alternatives to replacing Kurt at WrestleMania “I’ll never get that time back. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. Well, bigger than usual at least. My idea of Chris Benoit getting the title shot was better than this anyway.”

Noll was not alone in his anger. In fact it’s estimated that over 9 billion terabytes of bandwidth have been used in the past month of wrestling message boards such as a1wrestling.com and the Other Arena discussing the possibilities of a situation that never happened.

Dave Meltzer, author of the books Tributes and
The Dummies Guide to Loving Bob Sapp, sees the entire situation as some sort of reverse bait and switch. “We've got one of the most important issues of the year coming up Monday of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. With WrestleMania upcoming, this is our own March madness month, covering the history of the World Wrestling Federation championship for the next several weeks. Part one is this week, as we look at Kurt Angle, a man who we had all but counted out of the main event picture at WrestleMania and his decision Tuesday morning to still have his match despite a nagging injury that is second to only to Ric Flair’s actual breaking of the neck back in a 1975 plane crash in terms of severity. There is a lesson to be learned here as the wrestlers who have taken time off to get the surgery required have found the absence to be a blessing in disguise and have come back hotter than ever. In this week’s Observer we also take a look at other neck injuries in the recent history of the WWE, starting Steve Austin’s near paralysis at the hand of Owen Hart all the way up to Edge’s decision to go under the knife last week.”

“In fact, The Observer is the leading insider pro wrestling dirtsheet around the world, subscribed to by many of the leading decision makers and top wrestler fans around the world, especially those with a detached sense of superiority and like to think they are smarter than others by making absurd picks for wrestler of the year. Can you imagine anyone else in America having Keiji Mutoh, Genichiro Tenryu and Yuji Nagata in their top 5 wrestlers of the year?! Each weekly issue contains between 24,000 and 35,000 words of copy, so it's like reading one-third to half a book about the latest wrestling happenings…”

At this point the reporter just hung up the phone. Others in the IWC were just as outraged, and thankfully, more succinct.

“Damn it” exclaimed PWTorch assistant editor Jason Powell, “This means I have to go back and change my Smackdown Hitlist. Does the WWE have any idea of how much work writing in HTML is? How the hell am I going to find time to do that and wash Wade’s car today? This just sucks.” Dave Scherer, a writer for a website well known for it’s pop up ads, said, “I have heard from a number of people in the company who are praising Paul Heyman for chastising Kurt Angle into having his match at WrestleMania. It’s this type of leadership that is needed so desperately in the WWE and our recent polls show that Paul Heyman has a 99%-1% lead on Stephanie McMahon on the question of who should be the head of creative in the WWE. He is also a unanimous choice for person who’s picture we’d most like to masturbate over. You would have thought Torrie Wilson would have given Paul a better run for his money, but our fans know genius when they see it. What was your question again?” Former Indy Guru Chad Murphy was unavailable for comment at his luxurious beach house on the shores of Lake Erie.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at derek@gumgod.com and welcomes any and all comments and suggestions.

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.