IWC Sends Writer to Front Lines


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IWC Sends Writer to the Front Lines
LOUNGE Dweller Pete Nyman to be first imbedded “mark”

By: Derek Burgan Staff Writer/Sex Symbol

BAGHDAD, Iraq - As’s Pete Nyman was doing his stand-up report from a Baghdad street last Friday, shooting began from the rooftop of the Information Ministry building behind him, causing the well known Internet writer to ask on-air if what was going on around him was a “work.”

Don’t know what a “work” is? Don’t feel alone. Pete Nyman hails from something that has been identified as the Internet Wrestling Community, who apparently revel in using bizarre slang instead of normal English. The Pro Wrestling Torch website became the first to have a reporter imbedded within the American troops in Iraq, but certainly not the last. In fact the PWTorch plans to send another writer itself.

“The response to Nyman’s presence in Baghdad has been phenomenal” said PWTorch Editor in Chief Wade Keller, “In fact, it’s been so overwhelmingly positive that I’ve already contacted Torch writer Derek Burgan to join Nyman in Iraq. Although truthfully that’s more based on the hope that Derek gets shot by whatever is left of the Republican Guard.”

Other websites are already jumping on the bandwagon, including competitor, “We’ve already got Bryan Alvarez ready to go” said WO editor Dave Meltzer, “But once he found out that he would appear on camera he said he would have to ‘diet down’, you know, to look good for the ladies. I told him that through the heavily pixilated video feed on the Internet it would be hard enough to tell that he was human, let alone if he had a six-pack, but Bryan is weird like that.”

The whole pro wrestling community is abuzz because this is the first time that IWC writers have been around a large group of people that wasn’t a Magic: The Gathering tournament or comic book convention.

And not all the reaction has been favorably. A certain percentage of Internet fans aren’t all that happy that their favorite writers have been taken away from their columns to write about the War. “It’s bulls-t” said reader Will Reynolds, “Pure bullsh-t. Here I am ready to read my weekly dose of The Writer’s Block (Nyman’s weekly column) and it’s gone? Only so I can get accounts of a War? Who cares about a stupid War when Bill Goldberg just debuted on Raw. Get some f---ing perspective people!”

And Reynold’s wasn’t alone. Pro Wrestling message boards such as A1Wrestling and tOA have hit new highs in hit-counts over the past week with anonymous writers voicing their displeasure. Pierce Noll of Tampa, Florida, who goes by the moniker “AzzClown72” thinks that IWC writers should get back to doing what they do best, repeating the ideas of other writers and printing reader mail.

“It’s a joke” said Noll, “I wrote Nyman for a full week expecting to see my email on the Torch and he’s not even there this week. That’s crap. Now no one is gong to be able to read my witty comment of Raw Is Bore. These writers, all of them, owe it to us Internet fans to provide us with weekly columns that deal with wrestling, not the real world, if I wanted that I’d watch the news or something.”

Other imbedded reporters in Iraq see the IWC writers as an unusual breed. “These kids are a little off to put it mildly” said CNN correspondent Jim Ursus, “We were watching a couple soldiers limping into the infirmary this morning and that Nyman kid asked if the cuts on them were received ‘hardway or the result of gigging.’ I looked over at him in disbelief.”

The military is also questioning the practice of allowing IWC members onto the front line. Donald Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense, is concerned that the Kayfabe of War is about to be broken by the dirtsheet-like writers. “We are at a very crucial point in history” said Rumsfeld, “And not only do we have reporters like Geraldo Rivera giving out troop locations, but now we have a group of imbedded reporters that are more concerned with wondering if the Iraqi's are 'selling' for the troops - whatever that means. Somebody tell these kids that this isn't a Monday night war, it's the real deal"

Derek Burgan also recaps Smackdown for the PWTorch in his overly verbose Express v2.0 each and every Thursday. He can be reached at

Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.