K-1 Seeks to Send Bob Sapp to Iraq
Wrestling phenomenon sure to end war says expert Meltzer
By DEREK BURGAN, Associated Press Writer/LOUNGE Sex Symbol
Tokoyo, Japan - Despite warnings from PRIDE and other UFC allies, K-1 President Kazuyoshi Ishii said Sunday his wrestling promotion was seeking to send shoot fighter Bob Sapp into northern Iraq to prevent instability at the Turkish-Iraqi border.
Ishii said in a televised address that he wanted to send Sapp into northern Iraq to quell any Kurdish rebellion and to prevent an influx of Iraqi refugees. He said K-1 and Washington had "reached agreement" on preventing a breakup of Iraq, but did not say whether that understanding included sending in more members of MMA including Mirko Cro Cop, Ernesto Hoost, and Takayuki Kohiruimaki.
In Washington, President Bush said Sunday he expected that Bob Sapp would not enter Iraq at first, but if efforts to locate Saddam Hussein continue to be unsuccessful then, “all bets are off.”
American military advisor and president of the Bob Sapp fan club, Dave Meltzer, felt this was an idea long in coming. “Throughout history there have been numerous examples in American military procedure which have proved to be unproductive. I've got the largest issue so far this year coming out this coming Monday of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. I've already gotten tons of feedback from around the world that it's the best issue of the year, even better than the one where I broke the exclusive news of Triple H holding down Booker T, it’s ramifications and it’s effect on the business 5, 10 and 15 years down the line. Because of so many late breaking stories, combined with one of our longest features in our history in the most extensive look you'll ever read about what the guys I watch Raw with think about the show’s quarter hours from 10:15-11:00 PM EST, this is the biggest issue since May of last year. We've got all the details on all the wars America has been in including the Civil War, World War 2 and the East Coast/West Coast rap war, the mistakes that were made in each and the lessons that can be learned from them.”
Meltzer continued, “This week's issue is 37,000 words of text, or roughly 1/3 the size of a book found through The Scholastic Book Service. To put it in an even better way, if you could take each page of the Observer separately, you would almost have enough of them to completely paper one of Bob Sapp’s incredible bicepts.”
Bush envoy Jim Ross is expected in Japan’s capital in the coming days to discuss Ishii’s gesture and Vince McMahon’s concerns, U.S. officials said.
“Vince McMahon is very worried that Bob Sapp ending the current mid East conflict will have dire effects on the buy rate of WrestleMania.” Said Ross, “McMahon feels, and rightfully so in my book, that he already bit a bullet once by buying the beleaguered WCW and it’s proximity to an earlier WrestleMania derailed the company creatively.”
When trying to contact Mr. McMahon for comments, this reporter found a man by the name of Triple H who identified himself as the personal liaison between the Real World and Vince McMahon. Triple H said that Ross was correct in saying the WCW purchase helped impede the WWE’s massive growth, but several other factors were involved including, “Shows like Tough Enough exposing the business, guys like the Hurricane and Rey Mysterio who don’t understand the Main Event Style and dirtsheets like the Pro Wrestling Torch.”
TNA and XPW also warned K-1 against sending Bob Sapp into Iraq, threatening to pull any indy wrestlers currently jobbing on the Japanese scene. TNA Travel Agent and Percy Pringle impersonator Bob Ryder said any Sapp incursion into Iraq could damage K-1’s bid to join the PPV market in the U.S.
“I have a lot of stroke in the PPV industry” said Ryder, in between eating Hostess Apple Pies, “My success with ECW speaks for itself. We almost made money on one of those you know. We’re also having turn away crowds weekly at the TNA Asylum. Yeah sure the tickets are all free, but that says something, right? Anyway, I have heard from many sources that Direct TV is very glad for the 700 buys that we generate weekly for them and no doubt these PPV executives would bow to a man who so eloquently penned the piece ‘Raw is Porn.’ And please, don’t bother me with comparing the WWE’s raunchy show to Lollipop Girl’s breasts coming out. Miss Kitty was an A-cup and Lollipop is at least a C. It’s only porn if the girl is a B-cup or lower.”
Bob Sapp couldn’t be reached in time for deadline as he was currently in Hollywood taking part in a remake of the movie, “Black Mama, White Mama”.
Derek Burgan is the not only widely regarded as the smartest man in the world, he is also generally accepted as the sexiest. He acknowledges that this update is a sad replacement for Mike Sempervive’s Bring The Pain, but beggars can’t be choosers. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.