Maryland Sniper says 'Raw Sucks'

 

Home
Cheap Pops!
The Crew
Kayfabulator 5000
Bonus Features
Mind Altering Links

Sniper Message Says Children 'Are Not Safe' and 'RAW Sucks'

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

ROCKVILLE, Md. - Police revealed that a message apparently from the Maryland Sniper found on Saturday night included a chilling warning that threatens the safety of children along with a bizarre recap of a World Wrestling Entertainment television show.

Hours after the sniper appeared to have struck again in the shooting death of a bus driver Tuesday, Montgomery County police chief Charles Moose announced previous communication from the gunman included the warning: "Your children are not safe anywhere at any time.” Moose continued by adding, “Especially between the hours of 9 P.M. and 11:05 P.M. on Monday nights.”

The message was discovered by police Saturday night at the scene of a shooting outside a Virginia steakhouse. Police said it came in the form of "dirt sheet", which is apparently the wrestling equivalent of Time Magazine according to dirt sheet editor and action figure magnate Wade Keller.

Keller, who publishes the PWTorch (the most widely read publication in the world dealing in the area of half naked men pretending to hit each other), wanted to quickly distance the world of “dirt sheets” from the Virginia sniper by saying, “I have read the sniper’s letter at least a dozen times and didn’t notice one typo, run-on sentence or grammatically incorrect use of the English language, obviously this man has never written for a real dirt sheet before!”

Pierce Noll, an analyst for SEMEN (Social Engineered Male Entertainment Networks), speaking to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity said the note also demanded $10 million. It is speculated that the 10 million can come in the form of a lifetime subscription to the Torch along with 6.5 million shares of WWE stock, although with the stock price falling every day that number could easily reach 7 million shares by the end of the week.

Police said they received a new message Tuesday from the sniper stalking the Washington suburbs. Nick Moore, a self proclaimed legal expert told the press the police "will be responding soon" to it, and offered a little insight to what the new letter contained.

“Apparently the sniper was upset with what happened on RAW Monday night.” Said Moore, “He wrote a long diatribe about the whole Triple H and necrophilia thing, which I’m kinda into but I can see why it turned others off. As a matter of fact I would have to think having a sex with a dead body might be better than getting it on with Stephanie McMahon, since you wouldn’t have to hear that horrible screeching.” When reminded by the media that the press conference was about the sniper, Moore went back to the letter, “Oh yeah, this guy is also really upset that Big Show got traded to Smackdown.”

"The police are not providing the remaining content of the message," Moore said, adding it would be "detrimental to the investigation and will not be released."

On Monday, police asked the shooter to call them, saying investigators had received a message too muddled to be understood. Wade Keller even offered to restart the Torch 1-900 line if it would get the sniper to pick up a phone. Keller was quoted as saying, “We’ll even make Wednesday a Torch Roundtable on the current shootings.”

Tuesday's victim, 35-year-old Ahmed Johnson, was shot in the chest while standing on the top steps of a Ride-On commuter bus in the Aspen Hill area of Montgomery County, Md. Johnson had stopped on a layover to fill out some paperwork. Johnson, as he was prone to do in his former career as a professional wrestler, at first no sold the shot completely as several witnesses began shouting, “He’s hardcore! He’s hardcore!”

The shooting happened in Aspen Hill, the same community where the shootings began Oct. 2, and it came despite repeated public efforts by police to engage the sniper in a dialogue. The police are baffled at the lack of response from their postings on Internet chat boards and personal ads taken out in Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine, both favored hangouts of potential psychopaths.

More than 140,000 students in the Richmond area remained home Tuesday as schools were closed for a second day. School officials cited information from police in shutting down, prompting questions for Moore, who is leading the sprawling investigation despite having what at best could be described as a 5th grade education.

Moore said the shooting was "very similar" to those that have killed nine other people and wounded three in Washington, Maryland and Virginia. He said there was an unusual coincidence especially in the areas of “people being shot” and “a gun being used”. Moore said the police have narrowed their search down to, “Either a man or a woman, possibly of average height and could be between the ages of 18-34.”

Upon hearing the news that the sniper may possibly be a male between the ages of 18-34, Vince McMahon made a public plea to the sniper to keep watching his company’s flagship program WWE RAW. "While the subject matter is sensitive, on balance this was an attempt at dark humor capitalizing on the popularity of programs such as CSI, Six Feet Under, X-Files, and any one of the numerous shows which are now continually beating the crap out of us in the ratings and critical buzz. We strongly feel that future editions of WWE RAW will have great appeal to not only snipers, but serial killers, gangsta thugs and lynch mobs."


Copyright © 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.