Evangelical RAW Review 2/7/05

 

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Evangelical Review

For February 7th, In the Year of Our Lord, 2005

Raw going to Japan is yet another example of the way the Liberal Left has broken down the moral values of our nation. Since when are these slant-eyes worthy of World Wrestling Entertainment infusing their sin-soaked dollars into the local economy? Jesus, as a supporter of trickle down economics, would realize that this money is just going into the hands of the un-Christian Japanese heathen peoples. Eric Bischoff started off the show with his white hair, a clear mark of his sinful living in strip clubs. Hello! The man is a fornicator! How do you ignorant heathens allow this filth on your televisions? He had a "translator" at his side, interpreting for those who don't know God's language, English.

Chris Benoit versus Chris Jericho: The first match saw those two Canadians who try to pass themselves off as a Georgian and and New Yorker, Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho. No, that "Chris" doesn't stand for Christian, my friends. It is the manifest destiny for God's people, Americans, to someday conquer that dark land of Canada, as prophesied in the book of Habbakuk, and I have faith that our heavenly appointed leader George W. Bush will lead us to that promised land. For those who doubt that God has used his power to place this divine family in power, how else do you explain him winning an election where he didn't even get the most votes? Benoit and Jericho butted heads, clearly showing their allegiance to the pagan practice of sacrificing rams. You may also have heard Jericho's devil-worshiping band, Fozzy. I haven't actually listened to any of their music, but you can tell just by looking at those people that they aren't good God-loving Christians, with all their long hair and non-traditional clothing and a message that doesn't conform with the establishment, completely unlike our Lord and WASPy savior, Jesus Christ! WWE once again promoted animalistic pagan worship by allowing "the Rabid Wolverine" to win this match. Perhaps he's rabid and frothing from all the sin eating away his soul?

Triple H and Ric Flair plotted backstage, just like the demons of the dark below. What do you think those three H's stand for? Honor Holy Hell! He also has a manager who brags about making virgins bleed, obviously because he's sacrificing them to his dark master! We all know that the only time virgins are supposed to bleed is on their wedding nights in the context of marriage, or if you paid for them to allow you to do some of that kinky stuff. Ric Flair is obviously misinterpreting 1 Corinthians 7:38, which reads "So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better." They talked about having Batista challenge one of the few signs of righteousness in the sinful world of professional wrestling, John "Bradshaw" Layfield.

World Wrestling Entertainment is obviously trying to mock the righteous sons of this country by naming a wrestler "Christian" and continually making a mockery of him week, after week, after week. Showing the overpowering love that God bestows upon Christians and only Christians, Christian at least knows enough to combat the sinful forces of Randy Orton, Stacy Keibler and her filthy nether regions. She's dated David Flair, Shawn Stasiak, the Dudley Boys (Two men at a time!), Test, and now Randy Orton, and that's just on television! Who knows what filthy activities she resorts to with friends like Amy Weber when the cameras are off! (Note: Amy Weber is simply following in the footsteps of her sinful brethren, for as the prophet Ezekiel wrote, "They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed." Substitute "Japan" for "Egypt," and you have this sinner who tried her best to infiltrate the righteous JBL's Cabinet.) Christian sent his holy avenger Tyson Tomko to combat this blasphemer.

Batista versus Maven: WWE sent their monster Batista, who would be better termed a "demon," to defeat that unholy mixture of races, Maven. Instead of allowing a good, clean young man like that John Cena who doesn't want to start trouble to win the Royal Rumble, they have allowed this freak to seize power, a man with a picture of a demonic beast tattooed on his very body! After the match, the Big Show appeared on the big screen being interviewed by the perfect example of the way the Liberal Left has sissified America, Josh "Sodomy" Mathews. One can only hope that Batista and Big Show will mutually destroy one another, so that the demon and the man who would dare fight our holy champion "JBL" in a filthy barbed wire steel cage would no longer rape our eyes with their sin.

Demon Batista confronted Sinner Bischoff backstage about who was playing the videos of JBL and the Big Show challenging the demon. Bischoff claimed no knowledge, but those lips have not known the truth is so many years that I have no faith in his black words. If Batista ever leaves for that other show, I hope that the man who turns my engine shows righteousness, John Bradshaw Layfield, can smite him with his divine weapon, the Clothesline From Hell (which, by the name, you can tell that he stole from the demon he vanquished from his soul when he destroyed his dark "Acolyte" side).

Tajiri and William Regal versus La Resistance: There were so many foreigners in this match that I almost vomited in my lap. People complain that Batista defeating the tag team champions ruined the tag division, but I say that its downfall was the inclusion of these foreign devils. I kept waiting for Department of Homeland Security officers to swoop in and send all of them to Abu Ghraib, but it wasn't part of God's divine plan. The Englishman and the Jap beat those French pussies to win. At least one member of our holy international coalition (including Poland!) has a belt now, even if it is one of those la dee da Englishmen.

This year's Hall of Fame inductees were announced, and while I would publicly defecate on the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff, I do thank Heaven for the inclusion of Jimmy Hart. He represents the real America, Jesus' favorite part of the world, the South, instead of those liberal coasts and all of their men getting gay married to one another while the women lick each other's naughty bits and don't do a bit of housework.

Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels: The Virgin Sacrificer came out to face the one man in WWE who is man enough to publicly declare his faith week in and week out, Shawn Michaels. Yes, Shawn has his faith right where it should be, in George W. Bush. Oh yeah, he digs Jesus, too. HBK (Heaven's Biblical Krusader) defeated one of the false Four Horsemen, Ric Flair, surely thanking Bush (and Jesus) as he did so.

The only man who's raped someone more times than those Catholic priests came out next, Mr. Jerry Lawler. Of course, at least Mr. Lawler only rapes women, and they were probably asking for it anyway. He brought out Jezebel, Mary Magdalene, and one of Lot's daughters (better known as Maria, Victoria, and Christy). They were showing off their bodies and were close to showing off their stinking down-there's, when out came the savior of the segment, Simon Dean. He pointed out the gluttony of all the women in attendance, both those dark races as well as the strumpets in the ring. A sumo wrestler at ringside got angry, but his Shinto or Confucius or Chairman Mao was no match for America and its God. Christy couldn't keep her hands off the Heavenly sword of a real man like Simon Dean and hit a low blow to end this atrocious segment.

Ric Flair and Triple H, from that stable named after the liberal falsity and abomination called "Evolution," tried to convince demon Batista to go to Smackdown to fight our holy champion. Batista has to go think about it, because God hasn't gifted him with the brains of great men like JBL, Ronald Reagan, and Jerry Falwell, and has instead cursed him with a mind like that fornicating fool Bill Clinton (You think you're a big man because you do the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen, do you?) or that Jewish believer in that wacky science stuff, Albert Einstein.

Another of the few righteous men, Edge, complained about getting overlooked. We once again see Vincent Kennedy McMahon showing his utter disrespect to God's people by repeatedly being unfair to this "Christian" "brother" and portraying him as a whiner, forced to act gayer than SpongeBob SquarePants. Edge's complaints are justified by 2 Corinthians 11:2, which reads "I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy." Edge's jealousy is godly, while Triple H's jealousy of the Rock is not.

Randy Orton versus Tyson Tomko: Randy Orton. Sickening. He comes out, raising his hands in a position of worship, but instead of showing worship to the Heavenly Father, he's worshiping himself, just like all of those American liberals, especially those fat liberal filmmakers. You don't see Mel Gibson putting himself in the movie when he's trying to get across his message, do you? Randy Orton defeated the Christian Avenger, Tyson Tomko, but Orton won by sticking his arm in Tomko's "protected area" for a roll-up, showing the deep seated perversion. As the apostle Paul said in Romans 1:26, "the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another," and we saw this happen once again tonight between these Tyson Tomko and that hunk and a half Randy Orton. Christian came out at the end to put down this Nancy boy and deliver another concussion. One can only hope that brain damage will open him up to the Truth, as it has for myself and others.

Edge versus Triple H: World champion Hell's Horny Hunter finally got his big, manly hands all over the Christian brother Edge. Oh, how I would love to get my hands all over a Christian br-- Um, uh, a Christian brother's Bible so I can convert more sinners! The match finally ended when Batista came in and took away the steel chair from the holy Edge to help his hero, Hunter Hates Heaven. Some may claim that he was doing the right thing, but we all know what's in his perverted mind: Sex with men, abortion, and giving money to those dirty poor people.

Overall Thoughts: Sin after sin after sin. This show reminded me why I don't watch any movies other than my The Passion of the Christ DVD and Sting's Moment of Truth, and I don't listen to U2 or Switchfoot, but only worship music with lyrics like "God is good! God is great! God is good! God is great!" repeated over and over again for seven minutes. The only hope for this show is Jesus to smite all the evildoers and make sure that they're all voting for the right party.

Mike Roe is probably a sinner, too, and a liberal one at that. You can read his Smackdown reviews and Lounge columns at PWTorch.com (but only if you wish to be condemned to the sulfuric fires of Hell as well).

 

Copyright 2005 Derek Burgan. All rights reserved.